Filed under: My Day | Tags: anberlin, angry, april 25, ass, bandana, be, crowell, dan dix, daniel dix, dix, drama, existence, facebook, fate, glum, God, grandma, grief, kick, life, live, love, lyrics, manufactured, moment, red bandana, sad, sit, thinking, unnecessary, whatever, wing, wonders
I had this written earlier today, when I sat melancholy in the red library cushiony chair while Landon read practically over my shoulder. I’ll post it already. Here are some thoughts…
There’s never been a time when I’ve been seriously, life-threateningly unhappy. Sad, yes. Disappointed, grieving, miserable, frustrated, angry, horrified, ashamed… Yep, I’ve experienced all of them. I’ve never felt the need to create drama in order to keep myself occupied. In the vivacity of my pleasant existenct, I’ve seen enough despair to find the manufactured version quite unnecessary.
So here I sit, glum and thinking, and wondering why I can’t just be pleased. But deep thoughts run tranquil for me, usually, and I can’t force a smile when I think about life and death. The philosopher in me won’t let me.
And my own uneven thoughts won’t either.
A red bandana is tied to my bag, a blood-bright reminder of how easily life can wing away. Just waiting for the twenty-fifth, when I’m sure I’ll wear it wrapped tight around my hair, just a touch more golden than Daniel’s blonde.
April’s the month, my grandma says. The month when the Dixes/Crowells are generally kicked in the ass by God or fate or life or whatever.
Every day’s the day, I say. The day when, to escape that kick in the ass, I feel like I should be living. And loving, and doing everything I can to live the life I’ve been given.
It’s easier to write and ramble about it than to do it. So here I go, and hard as it may be, I don’t want to wear that bandana and think of my own lost chances. I want to wear it and say it’s for my cousin. Who lived as I want to live. Who gave of himself to the people around him every day, no matter who they were. Who kept his goals in mind and wrung every moment for the wonders it carried.
Whose last facebook status proclaimed the very existence I want.
“Live for today, we’ll dream tomorrow. We’ve got big plans in sight.”
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Kick Drum Heart 
first sorry about reading over your shoulder. and second thats a great quote. live everyday to the fullest because you never know when its going to end. Don’t wear the bandanna as a reminder of your lost chances but of the chances you will have. so why dream about tomorrow when there are plenty of things to do today. have fun in mexico!!!
Comment by Landon 20 April 2010 @ 5:21 pm