Filed under: Events, My Day, My Explanations, Random Thoughts, Writing | Tags: 12:07 pm, 2010, 29 june 2010, bandana, blog, blogging, change, class of 2010, college, end, experience, experiences, final, finale, finally, finish, finite, free, free time, gowanda, gowanda high school, graduating, graduation, june 29 2010, kick drum heart, laptop, last, last post, little, me, meaningful, new, post, red bandana, same, stay, summer, the avett brothers, things, time, tuesday, xylophone, yellow
Well, I’m graduated. I still keep thinking about little silly details, though, in a weird sense. When I graduate, I’m straightening my hair. I’m wearing the gold shoes, I’m having people over after.
It’s really bizarre to think that such a supposed-to-be momentous occasion is over already.
Then again, there’s still the grad party, so I’ll have more closure then, I hope. More closure for this part of my life. High school was jam-packed with years that molded me into who I am. And it’s done with. Hardly any pomp and circumstance (except when the band played it), and now those years are flung behind me.
Ahead of me lies an array of choices. So, so many things to do, to try, to try for. I can’t envision much of it, but the possibilities are endless and I’ll leave them up to my imagination. I’ve got plans to achieve everything I can and everything I crave.
Right now I’m listening to the Avetts’ “Kick Drum Heart” (heavy irony here) and thinking that you can hear it said hundreds of times, but it’s still meaningful when it hits you. The realization that so many things change, but just as many others stay the same.
In five years I might still love The Avett Brothers and sit at my computer blogging. In five years my little sister will have graduated from Gowanda. In five years I will have graduated for a second time, but from Eastman School of Music (I hope). But I’ll be so different. I will have learned and experienced so, so much more.
I’ve learned and experienced so much in just the past two years. And I’ve changed, for the better (again, I hope). So has this little blog. From Amneris Blue to &a yellow xylophone, to a red bandana tribute. And finally to Kick Drum Heart.
I hate to mirror graduating and just fling the past away, but despite the fact that I adore this little blog, I’ve outgrown it a little. I’m starting a new blog from which I will share the memories I make this summer and (free time pending) throughout college.
You can find my new blogging home at this new site, although it won’t be up and running officially until Grandma and I rendezvous and pick out my laptop (so, a week and a half from now, ish).
And since this is the last post on this blog of over two years, I’ll close with an Avett Brothers’ quote that, I guess, is pretty fitting.
“There’s nothing like finding gold
Within the rocks hard and cold
I’m so surprised to find more
Always surprised to find more
I won’t look back anymore
I left the people that do
It’s not the chase that I love
It’s me following you.”
Filed under: My Explanations, Random Thoughts, Ranting, Writing | Tags: appearance, beautiful, body, boys, brunette, capable, cares, confine, creatures, depths, desperation, discovering, dripping, efficient, emotion, essentially, expressive, family, feet, flash, flawed, flawless, form, four, gilded, girl, head, headache, humanity, inner, intimidating, irony, jaded, lies, life, limits, living, look, love, me, mentally, more, nails, now, perfect, physically, secrets, shallow, stereotype, still, story, superficial, superficiality, tall, things, thinking, thought, thoughts, time, tits, unique, vampires, want, Writing, you tell me.
It seems to me that I want too many things.
I was just wishing I was four feet tall, brunette, with big tits and a tiny, compact body. Oh, and don’t forget the expensive, perfect clothing that all comes from brand name stores.
I thought about it some more and decided that it was a silly impulse, but it bears more weight than that. It leaves it’s consequence in my idle musings, because it is that sort of thought that makes me question who I am.
Would more boys like me, if I looked like that?
Would I still be me, in another’s form?
Would I still be as capable, as intimidating and efficient, as expressive?
Or would I be confined to the limits of that (I’m assuming) shallow and superficial girl?
I could be stereotyping, but a girl who cares more about getting her nails done than she does her future, or her family, or her own private and personal ambitions might be considered shallow.
It just produces thinking. Sure, my head hurts now, but it forces me to explore the depths of my own superficiality.
My story holds some of that flashy, appearance-driven appeal. I’ve been working and thinking about that quite a bit lately, so naturally my thoughts now are twining around it.
My story involves some beautiful, unique creatures. Their very existence is jaded and corrupt, though, even if their outward glamor is flawless.
Maybe that’s the irony of it, I’m discovering. Okay, so humanity is flawed physically, mentally, emotionally and essentially. And these creatures only have a type of eating disorder (yes, fine, they suck blood for a living, don’t judge me) and some deep moral decision-making to do. But perhaps that’s the intriguing part of it: with so much going for them, what’s to lose?
That’s right, their souls. They’re assumed to be already lost.
So what’s more valuable? A life of love and value, flawed and mortal and unattractive, but well-lived? Or one without finality, an endless stretch, where the appearance is gilded and gorgeous but the inner sanctums of which are dripping with secrets, lies, and desperation?
You tell me.
Filed under: Events, music, My Day, My Explanations, Random Thoughts, Ranting | Tags: action, avalanche, boy, boys, boys! god damn., cloud, crystallize, daydream, dumb, focus, hate, him, his, i don't know, like, me, mind, myself, one, one particular boy, phone, priority, romantic, shit, silly, swoon, tasks, think, thinking, thoughts, tried, who knows?, work, working
I’m so dumb.
Okay, and yes, I bring it upon myself.
I hate it when I start to like people. I hate to admit it, too, but I’m a smidgeon of a hopeless romantic. And my imagination is way too out of proportion.
Therefore, if I tend to feel the least bit like swooning over someone, it avalanches until I’m sitting here in a cloud of daydreams.
Do you understand how much time this wastes?!
So, to crystallize my mind once more and focus it on the numerous tasks at hand, I feel like I have to take action in order for me to stop thinking sillly thoughts.
And, I tried to. But it’s not working yet and I don’t know if phone-checking just wasn’t his priority today, or what. Who knows? I don’t know!
Another note on the way I seem to function: I may or may not freak out if I go out on a limb and there’s no response. Just a flatline there? Well, there I go, freaking out.
Not that I’m freaking out. Because I’m not.
It’s just, this is a weird situation. Like, really weird. And I never, never imagined it would be my scenario.
All the things I told KT last year (warning her against younger boys, be careful when you talk to them, they might get ideas) are coming back to haunt me. The advice I tried to provide, cautioning against getting involved with a boy two years younger? Ha.
I want this one to get the idea, and I don’t know if he has or not. And I’m trying to take my own advice and ignore the fact that I never freak out about boys unless I like them. And with my current schedule and relentless desire to daydream, it is not the best idea to get involved with anyone. Let alone to like them! How dumb of me!
So I keep telling myself, “Don’t do it.”
But I’m not listening. And I think I’ve already gone ahead anyway.
It’s like Irony’s slithered right back around and given me a bite in the ass.
So. This is just freakin’ awesome.
And in case you couldn’t tell that that was loaded with sarcasm, I’ll be honest here and say, I like lying to myself.
Filed under: Poetry, Random Thoughts | Tags: act, better, care, cry, days, expecting, glide, guess, hate, honest, impulse, kiss, like, me, no one, one, people, Poetry, possible, room, say, staring, test, they, think, walk, write
One of these days,
I’ll act on impulse.
One of these days,
I’ll say what I think
The most honest version possible
They wouldn’t know it was possible
And either no one will care
Or, they’ll hate me.
One of these days,
I’ll glide along on impulse.
One of these days,
I’ll walk up and kiss him
He wouldn’t be expecting it
No one would be expecting it
And he’d like it
Or, he’ll hate me.
One of these days,
I’ll walk alone with impulse.
One of these days,
I’ll cry, it doesn’t matter
The full room of people, staring
Guess if I was them I’d be staring
And I’d be better
Or I’d hate me.
One of these days,
I’ll write away with impulse.
One of these days,
I’ll test out some poetry
And if it’s pointless then, it’s pointless
I’m not surprised if it is pointless
But if not, then
Here’s to impulse.
Filed under: Random Thoughts, Writing | Tags: anything, away, basis, blog, breath, change, college, consciousness, daily, damned, desperately, don't, eager, enter, everything, evolve, evolved, experience, fail, family, few, final, friends, future, gowanda, guitar, guitar riffs, happen, high school, hit me, individual, jam, jamming, last, lately, leave, left, life, living, made, make, make the most of it, making, mark, me, mind, miss, mold, moment, my mark, my own, new, not, nothing, offer, old, one, own, person, possibilities, preparing, queen, riffs, same, school, seeing, senior, sense, short, so they say, stream of consciousness, succeed, terrified, terror, think, thinking, time, transition, want, wasted, weeks, what if?, will be, write, Writing, year, young, youth
As I sit here jamming to the piercing guitar riffs of Queen, I think on the possibilities the future has to offer. What’s new, right? I do that on a daily basis. Lately, though, it’s started to hit me… in a few short weeks I will be considered a senior, or at least in the transition to one. I will be preparing to enter my final year of high school.
I don’t want to! But in the same breath I do; I desperately, desperately do. I want to go out to experience what life has to offer, I want to leave my mark on the world. I want to be my own person, my own individual.
But I’ll miss not living with my family and seeing my friends daily when I’m away in college. I know I will make new friends, but what of the old ones? What will happen?
Anything can happen in that last year of school. Everything or nothing can change me, mold me into the person I will be when I leave for college.
I’m eager, and yet I’m terrified. What if I fail? Or, what if I succeed?
I know I’m not making much sense at the moment, but I didn’t start this blog with a set sense of what I wanted to write about in mind. It just kind of evolved with my stream of consciousness.
In any case, I want to make the most of what time I have left in Gowanda. “Youth is wasted on the young,” they say. Well, I’ll be damned if it’s wasted on me.
Filed under: My Day, My Explanations, Random Thoughts, Writing | Tags: anna, appealing, around, book, brian, bullshit, campbell, churn, class, decent, deep, demean, demeaning, english, especially, essay, essays, fake, feeling, feelings, find, finish, finished, hate, i, idea, ideas, inspire, inspired, instead, isobel, issue, issues, jesse, jodi picoult, julia, kate, keep, lit, literature, me, moral, mush, my sister's keeper, myself, no, novel, paper, personal, picoult, private, rather, read, reading, recent, recently, sara, savor, school, seven, spreading, subject, thought, thoughts, want, wanted, wanting, we, write, Writing, written, wrote, year
I hate English essays. Generally the books we have read in English this year have inspired deep thoughts about moral issues and personal feelings. When it comes to the book we have recently finished, especially, I find myself wanting to keep my private thoughts to myself, instead of spreading them around on paper or demeaning the book by having to bullshit some fake ideas in order to churn out a decent essay. I want to savor the thoughts and feelings the literature inspires, rather than mush the subject around until it’s no longer appealing or thought-provoking.
Therefore, I hate English essays.
Filed under: My Explanations, Random Thoughts, Ranting, Writing | Tags: a lot, about, addict, addiction, all, amusing, angry, apparently, back, because, being, bored, broke, broken, can, compare, comparing, cream, cute, does, done, endless, endlessly, engage, engaging, ever, feel, feeling, felt, frustrated, glad, honest, honestly, however, human, i, inadequacy, just, just a lot, know, life, little, look, looking, me, miserable, muse, normal, not, old, otherwise, pain, pains, pang, peaches, peaches and cream, rank, rankles, reassurance, reassure, reassuring, routine, sad, she, small, something, stab, stabbing, stabby, suck, them, think, time, trouble, until, very, whenever, word, worry
Being angry and frustrated and sad about my own inadequacy is all peaches and cream, until I get bored with the routine. I am honestly very glad that I can feel miserable about it, because otherwise I’d worry that I was broken or something. The little stabby pains that trouble me whenever I think about how much I suck at life are really reassuring sometimes.
However, it gets old.
Yes, I know, I’m not as small or cute or (apparently) amusing as she is. And that rankles, just a lot. But what does it do to muse endlessly on it?
Maybe “engaging” is the word I’m looking for. She’s engaging all of the time. I only am when I feel like it.
But I’m done comparing myself. If I ever need a reassurance I’m human, I can think about them and feel the pang and then go back to normal life… but it’s like an addiction, you feel it once and get a little hooked. “Oooh (shudder), aren’t I pathetic? I’m so pretty and confident and intriguing and no one likes meeee!” is not the slogan I aim to present to the world.
So, fine. A kid I like I’m interested in has another girl in mind who I’m not going to bother openly competing against. I don’t want to make a fool out of myself being all seductive and acting differently because… because he likes someone else? We were getting along pretty well before I knew about her, we’ll get along fine for the rest of the time. No worries, no stress, and only occasionally with a little pinch of remorse at the lost chances.
Filed under: Events, My Day, Ranting | Tags: 100, admit, admitting, am, any, anyone, anyone else, anything, audition, auditions, awkward, balls, before, befuddled, believe, bogoroditze dievo radusia, bony, boy, break, breaking, broken, butt, can't, cannot, carefree, chair, chance, cheerful, cheery, chill, chilled, come on, confident, conversation, crush, crushed, crushes, crushing, decent, department, deserve, dickau, different, dirty, else, example, famine song, fat, fogrot, forget, forget it, forgot, friend, friendship, fun, go, grip, guy, happiness, happy, he, he'll make a way, heather, him, honest, honestly, hypothetical, hypothetically, imagine, just, kim, know, lack, lap, laugh, leg, legs, let's pretend, little, long, lots, make, me, mind, mr. fleischman, much, my, myself, naive, naturally, nice, no pressure, not, not confident, novice, obligation, obligations, oh, overthinking, pressure, pretend, rachmaninov, Ranting, raving, real, relationship, relationships, remark, remarks, right, sang, saw, scared, seat, secret, see, seeing, sing, singing, something, song, spoil, spoiled, success, sullied, talk, talking, them, there, thin, think, thinking, thinks, thought, too, too long, ugh, uncomfortable, unusual, voice, want, wanted, while, why?, wish, wished, with, without, worried, worries, worry, xylophone
Today was a success. Xylophone audition did not go as well as I wanted it to, but I got a 100 on my singing, and Heather and Mr. Fleischman were there, and it was nice seeing them.
Oh, uhg. Forget it, this is not what is honestly on my mind right now.
I want to know why I can’t be happy around a guy? I can spend time with him, and laugh, and that’s cheerful. But when it comes to doing something that’s not just talking, I get awkward, worried. I’m nervous. I’m not confident. I am scared.
And I think to myself, come on now, honestly. It’s not like you’ve never done anything before, and it’s not like you’re doing the dirty with him right now, you just chilled out with him for a while. No pressure.
But, take this as an example. Hypothetically, let’s pretend I go to sit on his lap. For lack of a chair, naturally. And let’s pretend that when I sat on his lap I worried about breaking his leg… is my butt too bony? Can he tell how much fat I have on my legs?
And then he (hypotheticall) remarks, “It seems like you’re uncomfortable, though…”
Get a grip, Kim. Or get a seat. A decent one.
I deserve a little happiness and carefree fun with a boy. I normally feel unusual admitting that I should get something, it is my right to have it.
But I do deserve to have a little fun. Without worrying about obligations or what he or anyone else thinks of me. I’ve had enough trouble in the guy department for too long to believe anything different. My only real relationship was spoiled and sullied. Any crushing I do is done in secret because I don’t want to ruin friendships or make conversation awkward.
But if I have a chance to make something of a friendship turned attraction, than shouldn’t I take it? I’m always ranting and raving about taking the initiative… where are my balls?
I don’t have any, but hypothetically let’s pretend I really should grow some and take that chance.
It might be completely worthless and I might be bullshitting myself into thinking that something could come of this. But free, unrestricted fun would be so welcome, so warranted. I’m busy and stressed and a strong and confident person. I’m not the sort most guys are attracted to. Come on, I might be blonde, but I’m not a stick and aside from being a good laugher, a good listener, and an okay joke-maker I have nothing appealing going for me. I have an ex-boyfriend that everyone knows about and disliked, and I made a fool (publicly) out of myself for him for the majority of last year. I’m not a slut but I can be kind of a smartass sometimes, which puts me at the bottom of any list of interesting prospects, naturally. I don’t do drugs or party (yet, I guess), so my reputation on that front is clean. To boys, I’d be boring. Maybe a little bit pretty, because my hair’s kind of cool, but generally uninteresting and unintriguing.
Therefore, if I have an opportunity to change that… shouldn’t I?
I don’t want him to take up a huge part of my life, because my life revolves around my family, friends, and school. And success. I’m ambitious. But I’m worried that if I take a step out onto this particular limb, I’ll fall straight off the tree, and fall hard. I don’t want to be falling for anyone. It’s a crush, an interest, and that’s all it is. Nothing serious, but it’s got possibility. What if I make it serious, though? It’s so habitual to just gravitate toward the intense, serious, straight-faced attitude.
Why? Have I been brainwashed into thinking that serious is good? I want a lighthearted relationship that feels nothing like a relationship! A friendship, with benefits.
But then again, do I really? Didn’t I like the bonding, the adoration?
Ehh. I could live without it right now. It’s too reminiscient of last year’s catastrophes. A carefree series of rendezvous would be just fine with me.
The end.
Filed under: Events, My Day, My Explanations, Random Thoughts | Tags: adjudication, adjudicator, all county, antiphon, audition, auditions, bogoroditze dievo radusia, breath, breaths, call, calling, chat, chatting, chill, cold, college, colleges, could, cross, deep, deep breaths, dickau, dogs, drive, driveway, famine song, fingers, fun, going, guess, ha, he'll make a way, hope, hours, i, if music be the food of love, literally, look, me, mom, money, mother, nerves, nyssma, nysssa, outside, paid, pay, practice, pretty, puke, rachmaninov, room, score, scores, sheets, sing, singing, solo, somewhere, stand, standing, stood, student, student's, them, thought, throw, throw up, tomorrow, vida, voice, vomit, warm, warm up, whatever, wish, wood, woods, xylophone, your
All county auditions are tomorrow. I guess, according to Robin, NYSSSA auditions are, too, because she thought I was doing one.. and I’m not. Ha ha. I wish I was. I wish I could.
But all county will be fun, and colleges won’t care if I don’t get into NYSSSA or whatever, they’re going to look and see my audition scores and NYSSMA adjudication sheets… at least, I hope so.
I am going to go practice the xylophone in my room as soon as I warm up. The dogs decided to chill (quite literally) in the woods somewhere for a few hours and mom and I were out calling for them. Then my student’s mother came and paid me, and we stood chatting in the driveway for a long while. It’s pretty cold outside.
Now I am going to practice, before nerves make me throw up. Hopefully auditions and the play tomorrow go well. Deep breaths, deep breaths, and cross your fingers.
Filed under: Random Thoughts | Tags: adult, after, afterschool, anyway, bitch, care, carefree, crazy, day, down, ew, finality, free, gowanda high school, gross, grown up, high, high school, hold, idea, ideas, it, job, living, living it up, machine, me, morning, my own, myself, nothing, one, over, own, parties, party, person, responsibilities, responsible, restless, school, stuck, tim horton's, timmy ho's, unrestricted, up, vending, vending machine, walk, xylophone, zamboni
One day
it’ll all be over.
No more parties, no more xylophone, no more crazy ideas like “let’s steal the zamboni” or “how about we break into the vending machine?” I won’t be able to bitch about the early morning or walk to Timmy Ho’s when there’s nothing to do afterschool but I’m stuck there anyway. I’ll be a grown up. I’ll have responsibilities. I will have to hold down a job.
From time to time, I’ll look back on high school and think, those were the best years of my life. Carefree, unrestricted, restless and just learning how to be my own person.
I want to make the most of it.
Filed under: My Day, My Explanations, Random Thoughts | Tags: act, act ii, activities, activity, because, book, bother, busy, conditioning, damn, different, drop, ferocious, fierce, fifteen, gym, hall, ii, involved, key, keyboard, keyboarding, keys, me, minute, minutes, mrs., mrs. propp, murder, occupied, of, off, off book, out, out of shape, play, propp, really, resume, sh, shape, shit, study, study hall, suck, sucked, sucky, time, today, tonight, toodles, track, train, training, typing, when, work, working, Writing, yearbook, yep
I’m really busy.
As if I’ve never realized it before.
I’m working on my resume for keyboarding, and it’s reminding me that I really am involved in so many different activities– and I want to do track?! When am I going to find the time? I need to train something fierce; I ran fifteen minutes straight in gym today and I was winded. Maybe I should drop my study hall for conditioning, but then Mrs. Propp would murder me, because I use that time for yearbook.
Yep. I’m pretty damn busy. So busy that I’m not going to bother writing any more because Act II for play tomorrow is off book and tonight I had none of my lines memorized. That was sucky. So, toodles. I got shit to do.
Filed under: My Day, Random Thoughts | Tags: asphalt, blacktop, book, books, cares, chocolate lab, day, doc, doc boy, dog, dogs, driveway, exercise, garden, go, going, grandma, grizz, hmm, home, house, ipod, january, lab, labrador, labrador retriever, lack thereof, loud, loudly, male lab, marley, marley & me, marley and me, me, music, neglect, neglected, nice, read, reading, road, roller blades, roller skates, room, skate, skates, skating, snow, something, sun, sunshine, today, whatever, who, who cares?, winter, woods
I believe I’m going to go skating today.
It’s a gorgeous, clear day in January with no snow. Unusual, but pretty sweet altogether. So, if Doc Boy isn’t over at grandma’s, I might take my roller blades/skates/whatever you want to call them over there, blast my iPod and get in some exercise while making good use of a previously abandoned blacktop driveway.
Maybe I’ll take the Grizz with me. I’ve been meaning to do something with the dogs. Hmm.
As long as he doesn’t try to gallivant off into the road, the woods, the garden, or grandma’s front room, I think I will bring him along. This means I really won’t have my iPod on very loudly, but who cares? Quality time with the Beast; I haven’t had any of that since summertime, and I’ve neglected him. I feel awful… I’ll make it up to him.
So, skating. I’m going today.
Filed under: My Day, Random Thoughts | Tags: basic, blatant, confident, curiosity, curious, daisies, day, different, do, fear, fix, force, free, hmm, home, impatience, impatient, is it?, kid, life, me, messy, mind, mine, motivation, motivator, my, my life, need, new, normal, not normal, others, outgoing, persistent, petals, picking, power, practice, resolution, resolutions, restless, restlessness, sang, scared, singing, sit, something, strut, strutting, terror, thinking, thoughts, today, weak, willpower, xylophone
I’ve been itchy and restless all day. I want to be doing something. I cleaned my room, and some of the barn, and I went roller skating on slick wet blacktop and ended up doing a split to keep from falling on my ass.
I still don’t feel productive, though. I’ve been singing throughout the day, on and off; I played a little xylophone earlier but then I couldn’t stand it because my room was simply too messy and needed to be fixed.
I need to do something! I can’t sit home and impatiently wait for exciting things to find me! But I was surprised, in lieu of my new resolution, that I’ve found myself scared– just at the thought of making things happen on my own, instead of idly picking at them. It’s so… so… not normal for me to think about blatantly telling someone how I feel, or hinting at it, or suggesting something to do. I know I can be persistent and outgoing, but I don’t know if I can take that step to be a motivating force in a situation. I guess I’m just used to having others be that force, unless it’s something basic and no one else is stepping up to direct it (i.e. group projects or what have you). This is different, though. This is my life, or at least my life as it is right now. I keep debating with myself: do I want to take this first step? Because for me, the first step is finding out if the kid on my mind is worth spending my time thinking about. But to have public rejection as the failed outcome? Hmm. Is it worth it is it worth it, is it is it is it? It’s like a mantra on repeat winding through my brain.
I hope it’s worth it, because I don’t know that I can do anything else now but find out. Even if my persistence, force, and willpower are being held captive by fear, curiosity is strutting free and confident.
Filed under: Events, My Day, My Explanations | Tags: at least, boisterous, bones, book, carry, conclusions, cried, cry, december 26, dog, easy, everything, experience, experiences, fact, fail, family, fifty, giant, goal, goals, grizz, grogan, home, husband, initiative, innocent, jennifer grogan, john grogan, katie, knees, lab, labrador retriever, life, long-term, love, marley, marley & me, marley and me, mascara, me, michelle, molley, molley grace, mom, movie, music, mutt, new year's, personality, plan, plans, poignant, potter, resolution, scared, school, sexy, shaking, story, sweet, teach, teaching, tears, terrified, terror, theater, touching, try, unconditional, unsatisfied, vocalist, who knows?, who will?, willpower, years, yellow lab
I went with Katie, Michelle, and Mom to see “Marley and Me” in theatres today.
I cried.
It’s the story of a yellow lab whose eating habits and boisterous personality drive the Grogan family to insanity and to laughter in turns. I loved it. The dog is so sweet and innocent. And loves his family unconditionally, as good dogs do. It was a touching and poignant story and I was fully prepared to brutally knee the jerk that called it “cheesy” in the balls, but that would have meant charging over to him with the tears still wet on my face and mascara smeared down the side of my head. I looked a little torn up. We all did. The movie evoked almost every human emotion available and left me feeling like a used dishrag.
The entire time, I couldn’t stop thinking of our own yellow labrador, Potter, and how loyal and loving she’s been even though our family is one that’s constantly in motion and only home long enough (as a rule) to let the dogs out to use the bathroom. It made me want to race home and hug each of my dogs– all of whom I’ve seen grow from little puppies into mature dogs, even if Grizz still doesn’t know the difference between “speak” and “shut up, you crazy beast”– they both mean the same thing to him.
I also came face-to-face with the fact that life isn’t nearly long enough. As much as it terrifies me, I’ve come to the conclusion that I can’t just sit back and let things happen. I’ve got to take the initiative. If I don’t, who will? As I mentioned to Katie, I’ll end up fifty years old and sitting in my giant house with only echoes for company. I refuse to let that happen! I don’t know what my long-term plans in life are. I might just want a sexy European lover and a hectic life as a phenomenal vocalist. Or, I could pick an simple life with a country home, five kids, a loving husband, and a giant attack-mutt, educating the local schoolchildren in music theory.
Or, hey, I could end up with the giant dog, founding schools in third-world countries with a sexy European husband and four kids.
Who knows?
But see, now, short-term plans are less complicated. I can figure out what I want from life in the here and now, and get it. Or at least try.
Although, I’m ashamed to admit, the thought of failure has me terrified past my trembling knees and down into my very blood.
I’ve got to work past the fear. I don’t want to be that white-haired lady alone and unsatisfied. Even if I fail at everything I attempt to make happen, that will be my life, and I will have experiences to fill the timeline when I look back on it.
My resolve and willpower will carry me beyond my shaking bones and into a future filled with little goals accomplished and big ones tackled.
Filed under: Events, My Day | Tags: alarm, anything, awesome, bath and body, boots, boyfriend, buy, Christmas, christmas tree, clock, day, dial-up, dishes, ducks, early, eyeliner, family, flash drive, four, friends, germany, gift, great, home, hygiene, independent, ipod, lotion, lovelovelove, mary kay, me, michelle, mine, moi, mom, money, morning, musician, nano, new, pajamas, pens, people, phenomenal, pictures, presents, quirky, scan, scanning, shallow, shampoo, sheep, shirt, skirt, snow, snowflakes, square, stocking, tannenbaum, time, tree, whoo!, winter, woohoo!, yearbook, yellow
Whoo! Merry Christmas!
What a day! I’ve gotten the least amount of presents numerically, but the most in value. I have a new (YELLOW) iPod nano, and a flash drive. And adorable boots, and a new Sabres bag (!) and an iPod home/alarm clock/thing, and a new skirt, and a shirt that advises onlookers to ditch their boyfriends for a musician. This is not including various stocking stuffers (mostly daily hygienic products… shampoo, lotion, etc., although I did get some sick Mary Kay eyeliner, and six new pens! I can’t help it, I love new pens… and some of these are purple :] ).
It’s awesome. Just fricken awesome.
And, for the first time, I had my own money to spend on other people. It feels phenomenal. I bought mom new (square) dishes, and Michelle now has a rubber duck, some stuffed sheep, two new sets of pajamas, and socks. All from moi. I love having money, as shallow as that sounds. That means I can be somewhat independent, and buy whatever quirky item catches my eye for my friends and family, and I love it.
Today has been a great day so far. I need to download iTunes v. 8.0 or something, though, which means my dial-up connection to the internet should be humming for, ahh, four hours plus. Oh, well. It will give me time to scan pictures for yearbook and load them onto my new flash drive! :D
Filed under: Random Thoughts | Tags: appearance, awesome, ball, black, comfort, comfort zone, dancing, dark, dress, excited, game plan, heels, homecoming, katie trank, kick-ass, kickass, look, match, me, nothing, ooh, opportunities, opportunity, pumped, pumps, red, sexy, shoes, stilettos, underwear, unknown, wait, waiting, winter, winter ball
I can’t wait.
I now have a kickass red and black dress to go with my kickass red shoes. I am pumped.
I am pumped for this dance (Winter Ball) and the opportunies for fun it’s providing. After homecoming, everyone (okay, Katie and I) werre like, “Ooh, we want another dance! I want to keep dancing !”
Now we can.
No reservations, is my game plan. It’s dark in there, so everyone’s comfort zones are more level, and I could, essentially, walk up to someone completely unknown and be like “dance with me.”
I might just do that.
Nothing stands in my way.
I am going to be wearing red.
My shoes, dress, underwear–
All are going to match.
And I am going to look kickass.
I can’t wait.
Filed under: Random Thoughts, Ranting | Tags: analyzing, brave, clear-headed, crazy, friends, friendship, gossip, honestly, honesty, i, insecure, me, myself, opinion, opinions, overthinking, person, perspective, really, security, thinking, unsatisfied, view, worried, worries, worry, Writing
I’m making myself write. I wrote last night (maybe it was Monday), and I felt sooo much better. I wrote today in chem– a note to Emily– and I felt more clear-headed afterward. I think I’ve been ignoring a part of my personality that only comes out when I’m writing, and that’s why I’ve been so inept when dealing with various situations. I’m not as in tune with myself when I don’t write, and I can’t respond to certain issues when I’m not all there.
God, my friends always worry me. It might be absurd, it might be insecurity, but lately (and before, in early October) I’ve been concerned that some of my friends dislike me. Ridiculous, yes, but I’ve never been the type of person who likes to bring things up and discuss them, so I don’t really know. What would I say, anyway? “What’s wrong with you?” What if nothing is actually wrong? What if they really haven’t changed their opinions about me, and I’m the one with the revolving perspective? I think I overanalyze.
I used to overthink everything… this was last year. Then, I realized how much stress thinking that often and that intensely added to everyday life. The beginning of this school year was lovely, because I didn’t really give a shit what anyone thought of me.
I really want to return to that viewpoint. Really really. But then again, I honestly don’t want others to shun me because I hold disdain for their opinions. I suppose there has to be a happy medium somewhere: disregard for society’s pressures and influences, while still being kind and respectful and sociable. And without gossip being necessary to hold friends together. I don’t want to have to talk about someone to keep in others’ good graces, as included and well-thought-of as it sometimes makes me feel. That’s honesty there for you: it makes me feel good about myself, and included, when I gossip. But it leaves a guilty weight in my stomach and an unpleasant taste in my mouth. So no more gossip for me, thanks. No more random laughter when it’s not necessary, no more forced happiness. But none of that “keep my head down to stay unnoticed” nonsense, either, none of the shy facade. I’m not shy, and I like to be noticed. I just don’t want to be noticed for the wrong things.
Maintaining a social life is tough. I wish I could quit thinking about it. Maybe I’ll try.
Well, until tomorrow, when I’ll make myself write again.
Filed under: Dreams | Tags: alive, awake, broadway, coffee, college, control, crashing, Dreams, future, glad, job, life, me, microphone, morning, nine, opportunities, opportunity, out-of-the-blue, positive, questions, ridiculous, shoes, sleep, sparkle, tired, unlimited, wal-mart
I had a sad dream this morning. I can’t remember or understand what made it so sad, but it made me angry, too, because I don’t think I should have to wake up and drown in melancholy. I have no control over my dreams when I’m in such a deep sleep, and I’ve been so busy lately that that’s the only kind of sleep I get. I hate being out of my own control: having my emotions manipulated while I’m not in an aware state of consciousness drives me nuts.
The “in control” train of thought dragged me to the question, “What would I like to do with the rest of my life?”
Early mornings do that to me: push me in front of difficult, almost out-of-the-blue questions that steamroll over me and leave me desperate for another cup of strong coffee. (Nine seemed early, I was exhausted and dad had just woken me up to say he was leaving and that I should go back to sleep… yeah, sure.)
Well, I honestly don’t think I’d mind so much being a teacher. A high school English teacher, who directed the school musical. Ha, it’s realistic enough thinking, isn’t it?
Then I hear the crashing of my dreams as they fall to the ground, and the ominous clank of doors shutting all around me– opportunities wasted if I go into teaching instead of performing.
After Broadway, I tell myself. After I’m starring on Broadway, I can think about what to do with the rest of my life. How to make it a life I would treasure, how to make every minute sparkle with the joy of being alive.
That happens now, the sparkliness. After all that happened last year, I’ve figured out how to make everything glitter and gleam and glow with optimism (or if not optimism, at least a positive kind of enjoyment in my negativity– i.e., I’m glad I’m alive to be pessimistic, instead of dead and, well, dead). I’m pleased to say I’ve learned how to put a lighthearted twist on almost everything, instead of dwelling on an immense amount of ridiculous notions that I don’t have any control over.
But the rest of my life? My future? College and a job? I have control over that, I just have no idea as to how I should go about exercising that control. There are an infinite amount of colleges to choose from, and branching from there spiral limitless choices: what major, what minor, on- or off-campus? Good food or good professors? Instant fame in a tiny little school or be a small fish in a big pond?
How am I supposed to make these decisions?! They will affect me for the rest of my life!
Microphone and stage makeup or SmartBoard marker and Wal-Mart shoes!?
Kick Drum Heart 