Gtown Showdown was today. It was okay. I was really excited in the morning but as the day wore on, my energy trickled away. By the time Taylor and I performed, I was mostly thinking, “I look like a skankasaurus rex” and “If those two end up talking during this I pretty much suck as a musician.” Because hey, Broadway isn’t the norm when you think of music, but I’m singing nonetheless and it’s important to me that the two people I’m intimidated by the most don’t have a low opinion of me.
Hah, and no, I have never admitted that before.
I know it’s really pathetic, don’t worry. But that was my frame of mind today, because I was exhausted and always, always afraid of saying something stupid. Stupider. Than normal, anyway.
And it’s probably a turn off to anyone reading this to think that I have such low self esteem. But really, I don’t want to end up as one of those people who is constantly talked about behind their backs: “She says the strangest shit… she didn’t use to be this way, I don’t know what happened.” I don’t want that “she” to be me. So I overthink: if I don’t want to be known for saying the wrong thing, I shouldn’t say much to begin with, and I guess that’s my strategy. But I really, really dislike it. I’m just too timid to do anything else.
And isn’t that ridiculous? Me, who’s always been confident and brave, and outspoken. Usually. And I’m afraid of two boys and what they think. Please.
I’m just tired, honestly. Tired and ready for a fun and relaxing spring break. And if we can just ignore that little part about me being intimidated by anyone or anything, I’ll be happy with today. Or as happy as I can be, given how I barely spoke unless it was to cheer or say, “More tape?”
God damn it! I hate being shy. My throat locks up and does weird things to my voice. I blush like a sunburned strawberry and am scared to speak my mind, in case it’s not what anyone wants to hear.
But, hey. Maybe I’ll improve. Get better with practice, or what have you. I’ll make unshying myself a new talent. Maybe I’ll show it off at the next Gtown. Hah.
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