Filed under: My Day, My Explanations, Random Thoughts | Tags: bizarre, boy, boys, coffee, father, fishing, full-time, guitar, hang out, job, legitimately, movies, strange, tim horton's, weird
It’s so strange.
Since my last post, I have started a full-time job, recognized the severity of second-degree sunburn, watched four straight hours of instructional video, gone on my first official movie date (ever), and essentially revisited kindergarten in a completely non-G-rated manner. (It’s more of a PG-13, fyi, you sickos.)
But, um, yeah. So it’s been a fun three days so far.
It’s literally insane: it’s only been three days. And I’ve already played the marimba for what may be the last time, held hands with a blonde, and made two ice capps. Also discovered that it may not be physically possible to hang out with a guy my age that’s any more like my father. (Legitimately, the only thing he’s missing is a guitar obsession.) It’s really bizarre as hell but also, I won’t lie, really exciting and very, very different. I’m used to having to work at trying to get people to think of me in that way, at all. So.
That’s my story, and we’ll see if and when it changes. But I’ve been researching, as is myobsession, and I’m a little concerned. More later, though, because my retarded dog won’t shut up and needs food.
Filed under: Events, My Day, My Explanations, Ranting | Tags: alive, anyone, august rush, big girl, brendan, bus, caffeine, car, change, chaperones, city, coddle, coffee, conversation, crap, cyber-sport, cybersport, damn, date, Dave, dick, don't, downstairs, driving, explain, family, father, feel, flirt, God, gowanda high school, grow, have to, important, kenny, lasertron, last night, like, love, marya, mcdonald's, michelle, monopoly, mute, nice boy, night, on my own, peaceful, people, pissy, regardless, remember, says, scrapbook, senior ball, sister, snuck, Strictly As Friends, stupid, talking, the end, this morning, today, understand
Well, it’s done. Red lipstick and all, it’s all over.
And I had so much fun.
It might be said that I was a “bad date.” Well, to be honest, there was a legitimate reason I capitalized “Strictly As Friends” when I agreed to go with him. Because I only want to be friends.
The ‘tude he had going all of last night wasn’t going to ruin my evening, no sir. If he’s going to mope around, should I coddle him or have a blast on my own? That was the question.
The answer is: um, a blast, duh. And he can join in– As My Friend– if or when he wants to.
He didn’t really, and I almost feel bad if he didn’t have a great time. But what the heck, just because he can’t be himself for one night, I should be a funsucker of myself to baby him? No, thanks.
I danced the entire damn night away, and then sucked at Cyber-Sport and Lasertron respectively (but competitively).
Then I snuck off the bus (they weren’t keeping track, anyway) and into Kenny’s car. He knew I was sneaking, though, so I got shotgun. Brendan, Marya, Kenny and I went to McDonald’s and had some great discussions; then we jammed our way to Dave’s where we pretended to play Monopoly and watched “August Rush.” I stole a few five hundred dollar bills from the bank when Kenny wasn’t looking, missed my turn a few times, and wasn’t altogether super-impressed by the movie. Dave was still being porky.
What did he expect? A magical night of romance and adoration? Excuse me, no. That’s why I specified “Strictly As Friends.”
Urgh. So aside from the mild frustration and acute craving for caffeine, it was a great time.
And I learned something, when I was sitting silent in the bus seat on the way to Lasertron. My date was mute and the night was backlit by city glow. I was bored, and my mind was quiet, so I started talking to God. About how peaceful everything was right then, and how thankful I was to be lucky enough to have a night with my friends, regardless of, whatever. That’s what made me decide to go with Kenny, Brendan, and Mar, although if and/or when my mother finds out I did that she won’t approve. She’ll probably be pissed. But I’m a big girl, and I trust Kenny driving more than I trust my own father. I had more fun with my friends than I had with my supposed “date,” who wanted more than I was able to give him.
My sister says “Why not?!” in an outraged tone of voice when I explain that I don’t want to date Dave or anything.
She doesn’t understand. I really value his friendship, when he’s normal. But hell no, I don’t like him romantically. I don’t like anyone like that. The closest one, maybe to that, is Kenny because I liked him so much last year and we can still flirt. But that comes nowhere near like liking.
Just because I like a guy’s family, and attitude, and upbringing, does not mean I have to like him. Just because my family is worried for me that I haven’t dated anyone, specifically a “nice boy” since Craig, doesn’t mean I have to like the first one that comes along.
I don’t have to date anyone, or like anybody. I don’t want to.
So now that I’ve made myself irritable, I’m going to go get some coffee and go downstairs. I’ll finish cleaning my room and begin a plan for the scrapbook I plan to make. I’ll be productive until, like, seven tonight and then go to bed. But I’ll remember the thoughts I shared with God and hopefully be able to share more. He knows how I feel about this stupid boy-family crap. He’ll be able to help me find a way around almost feeling like a dick and definitely feeling super pissy about it.
He also helped me understand that it’s important to feel vital, and alive, just as it’s important to grow and change and strike out on my own a little. Re: going with Kenny instead of riding the bus. Like, who cares? Not our chaperones. They all drove out separately, anyway. No one gave a damn.
So I will. I’ll be alive and love people and feel what I feel. The end for today.
Filed under: Dreams, music, My Day, Random Thoughts, Writing | Tags: "the greatest sum", bold, coffee, color, excited, frenzy, girl, God, gowanda, happy, life, skanky, skinny, spring, the avett brothers, the gleam, thrilled, time, vivid, winter, words, write, Writing
Sometimes I think in pictures. Sometimes it’s words, sometimes in half-jumbled sentences with excited images tumbling one over another through my mind.
It’s been the words, the past few days. I’ve just been in a writing mood lately. The colors are there, too: vivid, bold, and frenzied. Happy.
That’s weird. By all rights, I should be stressed and angsty.
But I’m happy. I’m happy that I don’t have to worry about school: even though I still have to catch up on my piles of English and economics. Plus there’s that yearbook thing. I’m happy that I don’t have to fret over boys: the only one I’d seriously considered for a while has found a skinny skanky girl.
That should irritate me. And it doesn’t.
I think spring is coming. That’s the only possible solution. It really just doesn’t make sense for me to be so thrilled with life, and want to write all the time.
And this is without coffee.
So I’m confused, but I’m overjoyed about it. Go figure. It’s crazy, and I love it. Thanks, God.
Filed under: Events, music, My Day, Random Thoughts | Tags: a lot, assignment, because, benefit, cat, cleaning, coffee, college, day, decent, dirty, dishes, do, dogs, english, essay, finish, get started, gowanda high school, groceries, here nor there, horse, hosseini, house, laundry, michelle, mom, musical, My Day, neither, nice, one of those days, outside, picking up, productive, school, shit, sometimes, stress, stuff, the kite runner, the new yorker, the wiz, things, thought, to-do, work
Productivity will come to me sometimes in waves, gallons, buckets. It’ll just swamp me and overwhelm me and all I can do is ride it out and leave a trail of finished things in my wake.
Today I am having One of Those Days, and it’s great. I was just outside with the dogs, and did horse/cat chores; one benefit of my dad being away is that I have the roam of the land. I can do my mother a favor and do chores, which I like to do when it’s nice outside.
It’s great to do what I like in my own house. My mom is less stressed because dad isn’t here dirtying up the house, and I can be relied upon to keep our living space decent-looking. With dad here, it’s like, it’s going to get shitted up anyway, so what’s the point of picking up?
But that’s neither here nor there, because I am having a Productive Day.
I’ve got the card table set up in front of the couch and am going to put some of The Wiz on so I can hear my thoughts without singing them. I’m going to memorize some more as I finish my English assignment with the New Yorker and then chop away at my Kite Runner essay. Then it’s lines, for the rest of the day, and once Michelle and mom get home I’ll put away groceries.
I’m going to get my coffee and get started. I’ve got a lot to do– laundry and dishes on top of school and college essays, too– but I’m ready for it.
It’s just another One of Those Days.
Filed under: My Day | Tags: alone, bitter, black, bob marley, camry, cd, changing, clutter, coffee, competent, cozy, day, daydreaming, driver's license, dunkirk, empty, fair, family, friday, friends, happiness, happy, home, honest, house, license, mark and karen, melodies, moments, nerves, nervous, niches, overwhelming, passions, points, proper, red, respective, road test, steaming liquid, sweatpants, sweet, ten, the avett brothers, thirty, three, thrill, time, tired, today, truthful, warm, weary, worn-in
Finally home: and I guess I didn’t realize it before, but this has to be one of the best feelings in the world. Coming into a house that’s empty of people but filled with coziness and clutter; changing into my most worn-in pair of sweatpants and a thermal; putting up my hair and my feet and blasting the music with a warm cup of black coffee before me. The steaming liquid might be bitter to the taste, but to my weary self it’s oh so sweet.
I’ve checked in with all of my immediate family members: they’re all in their respective, proper niches for this time of day. I’m all alone here, just soaking in the melodies flowing past my ears.
I’m so tired.
I passed my road test today: I officially have my driver’s license. For all of my daydreaming, playing my celebratory Avetts’ CD on the way home and driving around didn’t feel as joyful as I’d expected. The instructor I rode with was extremely competent and not altogether unpleasant. He was a middle-aged, moustached man who was polite and understanding of my overwhelming nerves. I only got ten points on my test: thirty points will fail you. The happiness has only struck at me for a few moments so far. I don’t care if it trickles in slowly or swamps me in a tsunami. I just want to stop being down.
There’s homework, and practicing, and illness. Obligations to my passions, family, friends, and school. I’m exhausted. As Mr. Bett so intriguingly phrased it, I’m running around “like a chicken with it’s head and butt cut off.”
I love to be busy, and when the pressure’s on I normally excel. Failing my road test yesterday was a bitch for me. I’m going to be completely honest: I struggled with humility and hopefulness all day on Thursday and all of that focus on my “feelings” came back to bite me in the ass: I concentrated more on what the instructor thought of me than I did on my driving. Thus, failure.
Luckily I was able to reschedule, and miraculously in Dunkirk there was an opening for today at three. Rush hour Friday traffic ended up being the last concern on my list as I parallel parked, three point turned, and manipulated Mark and Karen’s little red Camry with intensity. I was so damn nervous. The man in the car with me even asked me, as he had me pull over to begin my three point, “I know something’s got to be making you nervous– your heart nearly stopped when I had you pull out back there instead of parking [for my parallel park].”
He was observant, and honest, and kind. He wasn’t a dick. I told him quite truthfully that I had flunked yesterday, and then hurriedly protested that he please shouldn’t count that against me. He told me that he only judged driving based on what he saw, and that I could pass the test today and fail it tomorrow, and that didn’t mean I was a bad driver. He told me that I was doing fine so far, and that although it wasn’t over yet, I was doing just right.
I told him with all sincerity that he was my favorite.
I did pass today, thank God. I am waiting for the thrill to completely set in, but for now I am entirely satisfied listening to Bob Marley serenade me with reggae and sipping my now-lukewarm coffee.
Filed under: My Day, Random Thoughts | Tags: acid addict, acid tripper, addict, after, albeit, america, army, assembly of god, axe murdering, back room, bank, bastard, belief, believe, break, brendan, bruised, bruises, buddy, church, cleanup, cocky, cocky bastard, coffee, commander in chief, community, cuts, day, dedicated, delicately, demonic, deserve, die, dirty, distracted, doesn't, downtown, drill sergeant, emotionally starving, everywhere, exhausted, floating, fridge, friends, God, good, great, hammer, hate, heart, heart like a kick drum, high school, hit, holy, home, hour, hsbc, hungry, impressed, interesting, introduces, james, judge, kick drum, kick drum heart, know, life, love, loyalty, lunch, maggots, man, military, mom, monday, moose, moron, mr. omniscient, my heart, obama, obviously, only, penchant, people, people-reading skills, politely, rambling, respect, see right through, skylar, sore, sorry, spirit, spiritually starving, start, starving, strange, stride, strong-arm, student's, sub-flooring, sun-tanned, sweaty, tan, the avett brothers, The Flood, think, thinking, thought, thought process, time, tired, today, trainees, training, training base, two gods, understand, united states, united states of america, upstanding, usa, volunteer, volunteer base, walk, well..., whatever, work, worked, yesterday
8:14 AM
8/19/09
My heart’s, my heart’s like a kick drum. Ba bum-bum-bum-bum-bump. I’m exhausted, sore. As the strange army guy we worked with on Monday would say, emotionally starving. Or was it spiritually? Whatever.
I hate it when people think they know you upon meeting you. This man comes up to Brendan, Skylar, James and I at Assembly of God and introduces himself, tells us he was/is a drill sergeant at some military training base. He’s going back to Iraq next month. Now, that’s all well and good and interesting until he asks us what we’re doing after high school. So we tell him, and then he begins rambling about the army and how after an hour talking to his students/trainees/maggots/whatever he can see right through them.
Yes, great. So what do you see in me, Mr. Omniscient? Who exactly do you think you are, you cocky bastard?
Brendan asks him the same thing, albeit much more politely.
“So what do you know about me?”
He doesn’t break stride in informing Brendan that he believes Brendan to be an upstanding guy and dedicated to his community.
Well, obviously, moron. He’s only tired-looking, dirty, and at the volunteer base, sun-tanned and sweaty. However, one might take him for a demonic acid addict with a penchant for axe murdering.
Let’s just say I wasn’t so impressed with Military’s people-reading skills. He started speaking to us– four kids– about God and the military next. About how war is necessary, and if God has a strong-arm, the United States is it.
I can understand and respect the guy’s loyalty, but God is the only one who can judge who deserves to die and who doesn’t. And as Brendan very delicately pointed out, it seems like believing that is like serving two gods.
The Commander in Chief isn’t holy, sorry, buddy.
…….
Now I’m on to another thought process. Just kind of floating along, here. I had to go make the coffee and put my mom’s lunch in the fridge in the back room and now I’m wondering when Brendan will get here, so I’m a little distracted.
I’m so sore. I don’t want to have to walk from the bank to the relocated base at the Moose. I’m all bruised up and scratched. It’s a satisfied battered, but I feel like the hammer I smashed repeatedly into my hand yesterday hit everywhere else, too. And now Brendan’s here. Time to start another day.
Filed under: Events, My Day | Tags: ball, behead, beheading, belief, Christmas, cocoa, coffee, coincidence, coincidental, cold, dance, death, december, earmuffs, electric fence, emily, fence, heat, hot, katie, path, paths, predestination, sled, sledding, snow, thrill, toboggan, trailer, tree, unusual, warmth, winter, winter ball, woodstove
Whoo, boy. Tonight was a blast. I had a few people over and we made three separate journeys into the freezing air to sled down my front hill and into the pasture. It’ll be a wonder if we don’t all have pneumonia tomorrow morning from all the abrupt temperature changes: we’d go from frost-bitten to overheated as soon as we stepped inside and were blasted with warmth from the woodstove.
All in all it was a good time. Even though it was so cold some of us bled.
Aaand maybe once or twice we narrowly avoided dead by beheading via tree. Or trailer. Or fence.
Next time, we’ll hopefully go sledding at Emily’s with two toboggans, instead of trying to cram eight people onto one. Then we can race :) And drink hot cocoa and coffee, and make fun of a certain inability to open earmuffs.
I know it sounds unusual, and no, I don’t believe in predestination, but I feel like maybe the cancellation of the dance was a good thing. Maybe it happened for a reason. I don’t believe in the least that this entire get-together was planned out by some higher power (it was actually all planned by me), but maybe it was pre-arranged that everyone who came had the night free. Maybe the snowfall Friday was timed exactly. Who could know? But it seems mighty convenient that we had so much fun “coincidentally.”
It’s something to think about.
Whatever it was, this evening was better than any dance I’ve been to. :)
Filed under: Dreams | Tags: alive, awake, broadway, coffee, college, control, crashing, Dreams, future, glad, job, life, me, microphone, morning, nine, opportunities, opportunity, out-of-the-blue, positive, questions, ridiculous, shoes, sleep, sparkle, tired, unlimited, wal-mart
I had a sad dream this morning. I can’t remember or understand what made it so sad, but it made me angry, too, because I don’t think I should have to wake up and drown in melancholy. I have no control over my dreams when I’m in such a deep sleep, and I’ve been so busy lately that that’s the only kind of sleep I get. I hate being out of my own control: having my emotions manipulated while I’m not in an aware state of consciousness drives me nuts.
The “in control” train of thought dragged me to the question, “What would I like to do with the rest of my life?”
Early mornings do that to me: push me in front of difficult, almost out-of-the-blue questions that steamroll over me and leave me desperate for another cup of strong coffee. (Nine seemed early, I was exhausted and dad had just woken me up to say he was leaving and that I should go back to sleep… yeah, sure.)
Well, I honestly don’t think I’d mind so much being a teacher. A high school English teacher, who directed the school musical. Ha, it’s realistic enough thinking, isn’t it?
Then I hear the crashing of my dreams as they fall to the ground, and the ominous clank of doors shutting all around me– opportunities wasted if I go into teaching instead of performing.
After Broadway, I tell myself. After I’m starring on Broadway, I can think about what to do with the rest of my life. How to make it a life I would treasure, how to make every minute sparkle with the joy of being alive.
That happens now, the sparkliness. After all that happened last year, I’ve figured out how to make everything glitter and gleam and glow with optimism (or if not optimism, at least a positive kind of enjoyment in my negativity– i.e., I’m glad I’m alive to be pessimistic, instead of dead and, well, dead). I’m pleased to say I’ve learned how to put a lighthearted twist on almost everything, instead of dwelling on an immense amount of ridiculous notions that I don’t have any control over.
But the rest of my life? My future? College and a job? I have control over that, I just have no idea as to how I should go about exercising that control. There are an infinite amount of colleges to choose from, and branching from there spiral limitless choices: what major, what minor, on- or off-campus? Good food or good professors? Instant fame in a tiny little school or be a small fish in a big pond?
How am I supposed to make these decisions?! They will affect me for the rest of my life!
Microphone and stage makeup or SmartBoard marker and Wal-Mart shoes!?
Kick Drum Heart 