Kick Drum Heart

What a week.
I’m glad it’s just about over. For me, weeks always start on Mondays. Sometimes Sunday feels like a new and fresh day, like it’s not connected, but Monday is the day when everything– routines, actions, classes– will begin anew.

But Friday is the last day of class, of routine, and the weekend might be busy, but it’s less rigidly structured, and a little more spontaneous.

So I’m glad the week’s finally over. The week of maintaining appearances, keeping cheerful… I realized this week that I laugh often, but rarely because something’s actually funny. I’m laughing because either everyone else is, or it’s habit, or it’s been something I made myself do on so many occasions that now I just automatically churn out a ha-ha-ha whenever something mildly humorous occurs. I felt a little ashamed of myself when I stumbled upon this… realization? Revelation? Whatever. But I felt sad that society, or myself, has/have ingrained such an unusual habit into my brain. Laughter should be unrestrained, spur-of-the-moment, beautiful in its unrefined release. It’s human, it’s cheerful, it’s positive. It’s supposed to be good for you, which is why, I suppose, I hadn’t realized I wasn’t finding much funny until this late in the year– I’d been feeling so good because of the positive hormones I’d been releasing when I’d choke out a chuckle. Or something like that.

It just makes me miserable, to think that maybe I haven’t been having such a good time as I’d supposed. Maybe I’m really NOT happy.

But now I really am feeling a little genuine mirth, because I know that THAT idea is just bullshit on my part. Of course I’m happy. I’m just in a negative mood… I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I could whine and list off a variety of unpleasant things that have happened to me this week, but I doubt it would make me feel any better. They’re petty, lame things that have consistently worn down at my good mood until I ended up scraping along the bottom of the pit of cheerfulness. I hope something’s going to come along to lift me up soon; being positive requires a lot of energy.

I’m going to think when I laugh from now on, though. I don’t want to be a debbie downer, I want all of my friends to feel good, too… I’ve noticed that when others laugh you feel more like laughing? Maybe I’ve been trying to be that first giggle, to make everyone else want to laugh as well. I don’t know.

I’m exhausted, and I’ve had some long days. Aside from having a lame morning, I’ve been less social than I should have been, as well. And I’ve gone along more with the crowd than with myself, and what I want to do. I’m going to try to fix that. I’ll pull a Jane Eyre and listen to myself rather than follow the restrictions of society or the opinions or feelings of those I love. I don’t like being so crazy-dependent on what other people think.

So there was my vent/rant for the evening… I feel a lot better after getting it all down. I’ve been stressing and not getting much done, and then feeling really shitty about myself because I was being such a slacker. And a conformist. Ew.

Well, on that lovely note, I am going to bed. I have to be at Chelsea’s by nine tomorrow for the Oedipus party.

Until later. Hopefully.