Filed under: Dreams, My Day, Ranting | Tags: another, ash, because, both, buzz, cigarette, cigarettes, cigg, ciggs, clammy, cough, cranky, dad, day, dozens, dream, emotion, emotional, endearingly, equivalent, first, fool, foolish, fools, fully aware, grey, head, health, health problems, heart, hell, hurt, hurts, inhale, irritable, kid, know, last night, life, lighter, lit, little kid, lung, lungs, marlboro, meaningless, michelle, mom, morning, mother, myself, nerves, newport, no, nothing, one, only, parents, pleasant, pro, problems, promise, regardless, remember, scream, screaming, secondhand, secondhand smoke, shit, sister, sleep, smoke, smoked, stain, stained teeth, stay, stress, suckage, sweet, swept away, tag, taste, testimony, thanks, thanks but no thanks, thinking, today, try, undoubtably, unhealthy, via, warmth, welcome, why?, willpower
9:45 AM
You know when you wake up irritable and cranky, and aren’t fully aware why? That happened to me this morning. It took this long to remember why.
I dreamed last night I smoked my first cigarette.
The clammy inhalation of sweet, sweet smoke. The taste on my tongue. Of grey, of ash, tasting of warmth. My nerves welcomed it all as my head screamed NO.
I was only going to try one. In my dream, though, promises to myself and willpower meant nothing. Swept away by the breeze like so much smoke. I smoked the first cigarette, threw it away, then picked up another. Lit it like a pro.
My heart hurts today, thinking about it. Regardless of the fact that I’ve undoubtably inhaled the equivalent of dozens of cigarettes via secondhand, I’d vowed never to take one and smoke it myself. It was hell as a little kid, seeing both parents willingly inhale shit.
Now, my dad’s stained teeth and my mother’s loud, wracking cough are testimony to the suckage that accompanies what some fools endearingly term “ciggs.”
Well, thanks but no thanks. I’ve felt what these things can do to my own lungs. My sister was born premature and an asthmatic because of them. There’s emotional stress and health problems that tag right along with the pleasant buzz, or whatever the hell it is.
Smoking a cigg last night was just a dream. And it will stay that way, for me.
Kick Drum Heart 