Filed under: Dreams, My Day, Ranting | Tags: another, ash, because, both, buzz, cigarette, cigarettes, cigg, ciggs, clammy, cough, cranky, dad, day, dozens, dream, emotion, emotional, endearingly, equivalent, first, fool, foolish, fools, fully aware, grey, head, health, health problems, heart, hell, hurt, hurts, inhale, irritable, kid, know, last night, life, lighter, lit, little kid, lung, lungs, marlboro, meaningless, michelle, mom, morning, mother, myself, nerves, newport, no, nothing, one, only, parents, pleasant, pro, problems, promise, regardless, remember, scream, screaming, secondhand, secondhand smoke, shit, sister, sleep, smoke, smoked, stain, stained teeth, stay, stress, suckage, sweet, swept away, tag, taste, testimony, thanks, thanks but no thanks, thinking, today, try, undoubtably, unhealthy, via, warmth, welcome, why?, willpower
9:45 AM
You know when you wake up irritable and cranky, and aren’t fully aware why? That happened to me this morning. It took this long to remember why.
I dreamed last night I smoked my first cigarette.
The clammy inhalation of sweet, sweet smoke. The taste on my tongue. Of grey, of ash, tasting of warmth. My nerves welcomed it all as my head screamed NO.
I was only going to try one. In my dream, though, promises to myself and willpower meant nothing. Swept away by the breeze like so much smoke. I smoked the first cigarette, threw it away, then picked up another. Lit it like a pro.
My heart hurts today, thinking about it. Regardless of the fact that I’ve undoubtably inhaled the equivalent of dozens of cigarettes via secondhand, I’d vowed never to take one and smoke it myself. It was hell as a little kid, seeing both parents willingly inhale shit.
Now, my dad’s stained teeth and my mother’s loud, wracking cough are testimony to the suckage that accompanies what some fools endearingly term “ciggs.”
Well, thanks but no thanks. I’ve felt what these things can do to my own lungs. My sister was born premature and an asthmatic because of them. There’s emotional stress and health problems that tag right along with the pleasant buzz, or whatever the hell it is.
Smoking a cigg last night was just a dream. And it will stay that way, for me.
Filed under: My Day, Random Thoughts | Tags: acid addict, acid tripper, addict, after, albeit, america, army, assembly of god, axe murdering, back room, bank, bastard, belief, believe, break, brendan, bruised, bruises, buddy, church, cleanup, cocky, cocky bastard, coffee, commander in chief, community, cuts, day, dedicated, delicately, demonic, deserve, die, dirty, distracted, doesn't, downtown, drill sergeant, emotionally starving, everywhere, exhausted, floating, fridge, friends, God, good, great, hammer, hate, heart, heart like a kick drum, high school, hit, holy, home, hour, hsbc, hungry, impressed, interesting, introduces, james, judge, kick drum, kick drum heart, know, life, love, loyalty, lunch, maggots, man, military, mom, monday, moose, moron, mr. omniscient, my heart, obama, obviously, only, penchant, people, people-reading skills, politely, rambling, respect, see right through, skylar, sore, sorry, spirit, spiritually starving, start, starving, strange, stride, strong-arm, student's, sub-flooring, sun-tanned, sweaty, tan, the avett brothers, The Flood, think, thinking, thought, thought process, time, tired, today, trainees, training, training base, two gods, understand, united states, united states of america, upstanding, usa, volunteer, volunteer base, walk, well..., whatever, work, worked, yesterday
8:14 AM
8/19/09
My heart’s, my heart’s like a kick drum. Ba bum-bum-bum-bum-bump. I’m exhausted, sore. As the strange army guy we worked with on Monday would say, emotionally starving. Or was it spiritually? Whatever.
I hate it when people think they know you upon meeting you. This man comes up to Brendan, Skylar, James and I at Assembly of God and introduces himself, tells us he was/is a drill sergeant at some military training base. He’s going back to Iraq next month. Now, that’s all well and good and interesting until he asks us what we’re doing after high school. So we tell him, and then he begins rambling about the army and how after an hour talking to his students/trainees/maggots/whatever he can see right through them.
Yes, great. So what do you see in me, Mr. Omniscient? Who exactly do you think you are, you cocky bastard?
Brendan asks him the same thing, albeit much more politely.
“So what do you know about me?”
He doesn’t break stride in informing Brendan that he believes Brendan to be an upstanding guy and dedicated to his community.
Well, obviously, moron. He’s only tired-looking, dirty, and at the volunteer base, sun-tanned and sweaty. However, one might take him for a demonic acid addict with a penchant for axe murdering.
Let’s just say I wasn’t so impressed with Military’s people-reading skills. He started speaking to us– four kids– about God and the military next. About how war is necessary, and if God has a strong-arm, the United States is it.
I can understand and respect the guy’s loyalty, but God is the only one who can judge who deserves to die and who doesn’t. And as Brendan very delicately pointed out, it seems like believing that is like serving two gods.
The Commander in Chief isn’t holy, sorry, buddy.
…….
Now I’m on to another thought process. Just kind of floating along, here. I had to go make the coffee and put my mom’s lunch in the fridge in the back room and now I’m wondering when Brendan will get here, so I’m a little distracted.
I’m so sore. I don’t want to have to walk from the bank to the relocated base at the Moose. I’m all bruised up and scratched. It’s a satisfied battered, but I feel like the hammer I smashed repeatedly into my hand yesterday hit everywhere else, too. And now Brendan’s here. Time to start another day.
Kick Drum Heart 