Filed under: Dreams, Events, My Day, My Explanations, Random Thoughts | Tags: 2010, age, betraying, can't, child, childhood, clear, crystal, earth, eight, everything, fleeting, glass, glistening, God, i can't, important, karen, keep, kid, knowing, life, limited, little, live, love, mother, myself, nine, nineteen, old, others, past, precious, real, recollect, record, remember, second, someone, sun, sunlight, sunshine, touch, treat, twenty-nine, value, wonderful, year
I’m feeling so downright melancholy, I am now pretty positive that I suffer from seasonal depression. I just want the sun, is that too much to ask?
I’m looking back on 2009, and all of these memories float clearly into my mind. All the little details from last year. Just crystal clear.
Fragile, precious as glass. Glittering in reminiscence, like the snow.
My heart squeezes, just a little, because I’ll miss those memories. They won’t stay forever. I’d be crazy if I thought I could record them all somehow.
That’s one thing I’m so scared of. Losing touch with my past. I find it hard some days to recollect childhood, to feel as I did as a little kid. I remember telling myself at eight or nine years old, when I am grown up, I will keep with me what it feels like to be my age. I want to treat kids like I’d like to be treated as a kid.
I remember thinking that, it’s so clear. Glistening crystal.
And then I try to feel like that child again and I can’t. I can’t, and I get the feeling I’m betraying some part of myself.
So I can’t lose them. Those breakable drops of glass that hold bits and pieces of who I am. Even now, this moment right here, I have to hold close and tight, warm and safe, because I’ll never get it back.
It’s interesting, my mother and Karen were talking this morning about how they weren’t the same women at twenty-nine as they were at nineteen. My mother commented, “At nineteen, you’re just, not adult enough.” Karen added, “You just don’t know what it’s about.”
I think I do. Or at least part of it. If knowing what “it” is about, what life is about, is having this weight in your heart that reminds you, every second, that life is precious and limited and fleeting, then I know.
If it’s realizing that loving with everything that you have, every day, is what’s important, then I know.
If it’s the awareness that God is real and God loves me and wants me to do everything in my power to love Him and love others, then I know.
I look back on myself, last year. Crushing something fierce on a boy I’d liked for five years, desperate for his attention. Longing to do something worthwhile but possessing no idea what that was. Completely, ignorantly but blissfully idling away my time.
Last year was by far one of the most wonderful years of my life, in many ways. But knowing what I know now, I know that I have to fight off this pressure in my heart, and value every second I have on this earth.
Seasonal depression or no, I have to be my own sunshine.
Kick Drum Heart 