Filed under: Dreams, My Day, My Explanations, Random Thoughts, Ranting | Tags: boy, dignity, don't, english, future, gowanda high school, important, mind, music, poem, pretty, right, school, self-respect, swoon, things, three, two, want, words
It feels late, and like I should be sleeping. It’s not even ten o’ clock.
Just as a forewarning, this is probably going to have typos; I’m writing from my phone, and I think too quickly to care whether or not the buttons I push are the right ones. So, forgive the misprints thsat I will probably fix later anyway.
So.
There are two things, or, okay, three, that are on my mind right now. And normally I hate to start off like that, it seems too cliche and “my essay is about…”
But oh well.
I miss my dog. Not only mine, my mother’s, too. That loving and loved yellow fat Potter.
God, even months and months later I still hurt like it was the day she died.
Secondly, I don’t want a boy. Let me just make this clear for my own sake. Especially one that would be too easy to crush on if he said the right things.
And to again make this clear for myself and anyone who cares, based on my experiences with the opposite gender, I now find that I have entirely too much dignity and self-respect to fall at the feet of anyone who says pretty things. Although it might surprise you, but I have a soft spot for pretty words and music and if anyone even made a half-assed attempt to charm me at present, it’s humiliating to think how easily I would swoon.
So as a reminder to me, I’m a bitch. Remember?
And lastly, I do and I don’t want to write this thirty-line poem for English. About my future that I barely have outlined, illustrating the comparison to the me who I was/am in high school? It’s entirely too meaningful to me. So I don’t want to do a crappy job. So I don’t want to do it. Entirely and totally too important to me.
And that’s all tonight; I’m for bed. Those are my thoughts for the evening.
Filed under: Events, My Day, My Explanations, Ranting | Tags: alive, anyone, august rush, big girl, brendan, bus, caffeine, car, change, chaperones, city, coddle, coffee, conversation, crap, cyber-sport, cybersport, damn, date, Dave, dick, don't, downstairs, driving, explain, family, father, feel, flirt, God, gowanda high school, grow, have to, important, kenny, lasertron, last night, like, love, marya, mcdonald's, michelle, monopoly, mute, nice boy, night, on my own, peaceful, people, pissy, regardless, remember, says, scrapbook, senior ball, sister, snuck, Strictly As Friends, stupid, talking, the end, this morning, today, understand
Well, it’s done. Red lipstick and all, it’s all over.
And I had so much fun.
It might be said that I was a “bad date.” Well, to be honest, there was a legitimate reason I capitalized “Strictly As Friends” when I agreed to go with him. Because I only want to be friends.
The ‘tude he had going all of last night wasn’t going to ruin my evening, no sir. If he’s going to mope around, should I coddle him or have a blast on my own? That was the question.
The answer is: um, a blast, duh. And he can join in– As My Friend– if or when he wants to.
He didn’t really, and I almost feel bad if he didn’t have a great time. But what the heck, just because he can’t be himself for one night, I should be a funsucker of myself to baby him? No, thanks.
I danced the entire damn night away, and then sucked at Cyber-Sport and Lasertron respectively (but competitively).
Then I snuck off the bus (they weren’t keeping track, anyway) and into Kenny’s car. He knew I was sneaking, though, so I got shotgun. Brendan, Marya, Kenny and I went to McDonald’s and had some great discussions; then we jammed our way to Dave’s where we pretended to play Monopoly and watched “August Rush.” I stole a few five hundred dollar bills from the bank when Kenny wasn’t looking, missed my turn a few times, and wasn’t altogether super-impressed by the movie. Dave was still being porky.
What did he expect? A magical night of romance and adoration? Excuse me, no. That’s why I specified “Strictly As Friends.”
Urgh. So aside from the mild frustration and acute craving for caffeine, it was a great time.
And I learned something, when I was sitting silent in the bus seat on the way to Lasertron. My date was mute and the night was backlit by city glow. I was bored, and my mind was quiet, so I started talking to God. About how peaceful everything was right then, and how thankful I was to be lucky enough to have a night with my friends, regardless of, whatever. That’s what made me decide to go with Kenny, Brendan, and Mar, although if and/or when my mother finds out I did that she won’t approve. She’ll probably be pissed. But I’m a big girl, and I trust Kenny driving more than I trust my own father. I had more fun with my friends than I had with my supposed “date,” who wanted more than I was able to give him.
My sister says “Why not?!” in an outraged tone of voice when I explain that I don’t want to date Dave or anything.
She doesn’t understand. I really value his friendship, when he’s normal. But hell no, I don’t like him romantically. I don’t like anyone like that. The closest one, maybe to that, is Kenny because I liked him so much last year and we can still flirt. But that comes nowhere near like liking.
Just because I like a guy’s family, and attitude, and upbringing, does not mean I have to like him. Just because my family is worried for me that I haven’t dated anyone, specifically a “nice boy” since Craig, doesn’t mean I have to like the first one that comes along.
I don’t have to date anyone, or like anybody. I don’t want to.
So now that I’ve made myself irritable, I’m going to go get some coffee and go downstairs. I’ll finish cleaning my room and begin a plan for the scrapbook I plan to make. I’ll be productive until, like, seven tonight and then go to bed. But I’ll remember the thoughts I shared with God and hopefully be able to share more. He knows how I feel about this stupid boy-family crap. He’ll be able to help me find a way around almost feeling like a dick and definitely feeling super pissy about it.
He also helped me understand that it’s important to feel vital, and alive, just as it’s important to grow and change and strike out on my own a little. Re: going with Kenny instead of riding the bus. Like, who cares? Not our chaperones. They all drove out separately, anyway. No one gave a damn.
So I will. I’ll be alive and love people and feel what I feel. The end for today.
Filed under: Dreams, Events, music, My Day, Random Thoughts | Tags: amazing, anyway, classy, crap, dance, dress, earrings, evening, fun, fun glasses, girl, glittery, gowanda high school, gown, grandma, grandma's house, happy, headache, heels, hollywood, important, katherine heigl, lips, look, marilyn monroe, marvelous, mind, minute, multi-colored, nails, red, rose, second, senior ball, senior dinner dance, shallow, shoes, simply, sparkle, sparkly, spectacles, superficial, today, tonight, wench
Here I sit, sipping cold hot chocolate and nibbling leftover homemade popcorn (no butter, no salt, but somehow, still amazing). I still need to finish up (or start) that stupid IDOC thing– yeah, ’cause I know how to do that. (I don’t.) But other than that, and a mild headache, today is marvelous. I’m at Grandma’s, all by my lonesome, and it’s amazing. It’s different to be away from home by myself, even if it is for a night and a day. I might even get to drive myself home from Forestville later today, after my hair appointment.
That brings me to the topic of Senior Ball. Senior dinner dance, senior catillion. Who cares what it’s called anyway. The dumb thing will be interesting, anyway. I’m looking at it through what one might call the “fun glasses”– spectacles that are restraining me from seeing all of the worries I’ve got. This is probably my last dance ever. I don’t know if I’ll get to dance with more than one person, and that upsets me. But no. No worries, not right now. I was in such a good mood twenty seconds ago, until I started dwelling on stupid crap that I didn’t exactly type out, but I dwelled all the same. I have to put those fun specs back on, those multi-colored, glittery faceted glasses. I’m going to have someone play with my hair for two hours, in three. That’s fun. I’m going to look freaking amazing tonight, I can feel it. That’s fun, too.
* To risk being too much of a girl, I’m actually really excited for what I’m going to look like tonight. It’s so extremely shallow, but I rarely feel like a bombshell, so I’m not too distraught. I’m not going to turn into some appearance-crazed wench. But I’ve got this red dress, floor length with no sleeves. A crystalline piece at the center of the bust and matching sparkly earrings and bracelets. My red five-inch heels are half a shade away from my dress’s low, shimmering rose, but no one’s going to look that closely so, to my mind, they match. Muted red nails and (possibly) red lips with simple old-timey Hollywood makeup will accent the Marilyn Monroe/Katherine Heigl waves that my hair will hopefully have. For a last official dance, this is most definitely the look I want to have. The look I will have.
And that’s all that’s important about dressing up, for now, anyway. But it’s going to be classy, and I’m happy for that. What’s most important is that no one can take this evening– this only-happens-once evening– away from me. That applies to every second, while I’m thinking about it. I forget that a lot. That if I don’t make the most of and live through every minute the best that I can, they’ll be gone, and then, so will I.
But I remember it now, and so, here I am. Determined to keep the happy here with me, every minute.
Filed under: Events, music, My Day, My Explanations, Random Thoughts, Ranting, Writing | Tags: acoustic, acoustic guitar, advanced art, all state, all state solos, along, always, Andy McKee, ap, ap test, ap us history, art, audition, auditioning, away, bambi, baseball, baseball game, boys, can't, chem, chemistry, class, compelled, could, damn it, date, do or die, drift, drifting, drowning, dumb, essay, everyone, exhausted, exnay, explain, fail, feel, float, fond, fricken awesome, grade, guitar, ha ha, happening, have to, hello dolly!, history test, hollywood happening, hollywood theatre, home, importance, important, keep from drowning, keep going, kicker, legit, legitimately, let, level 6, level six, McKee, mention, move, muscles, music, musical, new, nice weather, nyssma, nyssma solo festival, nyssma solofest, out of it, percussion, percussive, pictures, puccini, pushing myself, relax, right now, rimsky-korsakov, shit, shit to do, song, stay home, strain, strains, stress, stressed, stressful, study, sweep, sweet, sweetness, tide, time passes, tired, treading water, try out, tryout, tryouts, twitterpate, twitterpated, unfortunate, until, up, varsity panthers baseball, vocal, voice, want, water, weather, wednesday, weekend, what's new?, why?, wish, wordpress, xylo, xylophone, yearbook
I wish I could do that right now. Just drift, float along the strains and percussive sweetness of Andy McKee’s fricken awesome song. But I can’t. Even though I feel stressed and out of it and tired, and like I’m just treading water until time passes, I can’t relax and let the tide sweep me away. I have to keep going, pushing myself and my muscles to move, to keep me from drowning.
I have sooo much shit to do. What’s new, right? But this time, it’s do or die. If I don’t bring my chem grade up, I am legitimately, for the first time in my life, going to fail a course. And I really want to get into Advanced Art. AND musical tryouts are coming up, and NYSSMA solofest is the weekend of the Hollywood Happening, and I am auditioning on level 6 All State solos for xylo and voice. And the kicker? I have an AP US History test this Wednesday, and hardly any time to study for it. Except right now. Ha ha. I have to go to a baseball game and take pictures shortly, also. Maybe I’ll beg off to stay home and study, but then mom would be confused and I’d have to explain the date and importance of that dumb AP test.
Oh, and did I mention boys? Always at the busiest times in my life I start to get exceptionally fond of them, and then I get even more strained. I think it’s the nice weather, everyone’s twitterpated. Ha, I love Bambi. :) But yeah. So, stress. Now I’m being compelled off of wordpress and toward my Advanced Art essay. Damn it, why can’t I just drift away?
Kick Drum Heart 