Kick Drum Heart

Sometimes, you know (or think you know) someone to the point where, no matter what they say, you will instantly think they hate your guts.

I experience this daily, and I strongly feel that

Sorry. False start. Revving up again, here.

I can’t stand it. When it feels like someone who has been so close to you once, is revolted at the sight or sound of you.

I’ll admit, I’m a pretty opinionated person. I don’t hide behind false little thoughts that keep me safe and protected from scathing criticism. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t care about being criticized (the whole point of this post is that I freaking do). But the focus of my life is certainly not on whether or not my views are regarded with pleasant feelings.

This isn’t about me, anyway. To take a risk of being annoyingly humble, I’ll repeat: this is so not about how I feel and what I do, or even how I am received.

This is about other people. And how is it that I can piss so many people off or have them think I’m ignorant or too worldly or stupid or outspoken or even too talented? How is that my fault? What am I supposed to do about it? Should I not care? Should I retaliate to show I have a backbone? Does it even matter in the grand scheme of things?

I don’t know. And I’m not going to give anything up because my life clashes with the workings of another. Or two or three. But it hurts to see how they hurt. What if I caused it, those many months ago? Or what if it was that, I wasn’t there for them, to support them when I should have? Could I have done anything, said anything, to fix it? Can I get back the relationship, the friendship, we once had?

I’m not sure. And I’m not sure if I want it the way it was.  But as of right now, I do.

And maybe that’s why life is so fickle and fraught with confusion and doubt and pain. People change their minds.

I just hate the thought of minds being changed about me when I can’t defend myself.