Filed under: Random Thoughts, Ranting | Tags: about me, annoying, blame, can't stand it, care, changed, close, could i, critical, criticism, defend, defend myself, do, don't care, fault, feel, give up, humble, my fault, once, opinionated, people, piss off, rant, Ranting, sight, sound, think, what if?
Sometimes, you know (or think you know) someone to the point where, no matter what they say, you will instantly think they hate your guts.
I experience this daily, and I strongly feel that
Sorry. False start. Revving up again, here.
I can’t stand it. When it feels like someone who has been so close to you once, is revolted at the sight or sound of you.
I’ll admit, I’m a pretty opinionated person. I don’t hide behind false little thoughts that keep me safe and protected from scathing criticism. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t care about being criticized (the whole point of this post is that I freaking do). But the focus of my life is certainly not on whether or not my views are regarded with pleasant feelings.
This isn’t about me, anyway. To take a risk of being annoyingly humble, I’ll repeat: this is so not about how I feel and what I do, or even how I am received.
This is about other people. And how is it that I can piss so many people off or have them think I’m ignorant or too worldly or stupid or outspoken or even too talented? How is that my fault? What am I supposed to do about it? Should I not care? Should I retaliate to show I have a backbone? Does it even matter in the grand scheme of things?
I don’t know. And I’m not going to give anything up because my life clashes with the workings of another. Or two or three. But it hurts to see how they hurt. What if I caused it, those many months ago? Or what if it was that, I wasn’t there for them, to support them when I should have? Could I have done anything, said anything, to fix it? Can I get back the relationship, the friendship, we once had?
I’m not sure. And I’m not sure if I want it the way it was. But as of right now, I do.
And maybe that’s why life is so fickle and fraught with confusion and doubt and pain. People change their minds.
I just hate the thought of minds being changed about me when I can’t defend myself.
Filed under: My Explanations, Random Thoughts, Writing | Tags: away, black, black on white, blank, blog, call, can't, cement, change, changed, changing, come, defeat, defeated, empty, evening, fall, falling, feet, felt, fingers, flutter, fluttered, fluttering, graffitti, hand, hard, inspiration, inspired, intimidate, intimidating, intimidation, jump, jumping, lack, leave, light, little, loom, looming, metaphor, metaphorical, mind, miserable, mouse, music, nothing, ominous, pliable, pointless, presence, rambling, red, red "X", refuse, refused, refusing, right, run, screen, shadow, shadowy, somehow, sometimes, space, stand, stop, tag, the wall, time, tonight, turn, turn away, twisted, type, typing, unmarked, unwelcome, unwelcoming, upper, voice, wall, white, whiteness, word, words, Writing, x
Sometimes when I see this blog form and it’s so empty, so white and unmarked, I am inspired. I can’t stop myself from jumping in with both feet and just letting my mind and my typing fingers run on.
Other times, I can’t stand the intimidating whiteness, hard and unwelcoming. A cement wall, refusing words. I can’t even graffiti black on white, type on screen. Nothing will come to my mind and I’ll turn away from this little blog, defeated.
Tonight, I felt the ominous presence of blank space looming at me in the shadowy light of falling evening. My mouse fluttered near the little red “X” in the upper right hand of my screen.
Then, somehow, I changed my mind. I didn’t leave, miserable with my own lack of voice. I just turned up the music and twisted the cement into something more pliable. Words, inspiration, whatever you want to call it.
This might be a completely pointless, rambling, metaphorical exercise, but chipping away at that forbidding white cement barricade gives me some satisfaction tonight.
I wrote for over an hour earlier, on my story. That might be entirely a waste of time, but it’s good for my mind and it keeps me writing. I can put down some of my imagination in a format where maybe, someday, someone else will derive enjoyment from it. If I could do that for the rest of my life, I might. There’s just so much I could do, I think.
It’s a lot to handle when I have to start looking at colleges. If I wasn’t such a lazy bum enjoying her summer (despite driver’s ed daily), I would get right on that, haha. Then again, I have dial-up here, still, so college research is awfully slow.
Nonetheless, I’ll be chipping away at that wall shortly. Obstacle by obstacle, I’m going to figure it out. Just like this blog, tonight. I guess the best way to gain satisfaction from something is to remove the mouse from that little red “X”, and break out the sledgehammer. Start knocking down what stands in the way of inspiration.
Kick Drum Heart 