Kick Drum Heart


Conference (of voices)

This weekend was a blast. I can’t believe it’s over; I can’t believe three days and two nights are just, done. In a heartbeat.

No. In a downbeat.

It’s made me sure of one thing, if anything.

I want to be a musician. I already am, really. But I want it to be my life. Not just a hobby, not just a thing to practice, to get better at.

No, the drive that’s gotten me this far is going to have to propel me into the future.

This weekend was a great teaser for college. Being in a grand scale setting with hundreds of people my own age, that I don’t really know, who all love to make music, was phenomenal.

Some people are dumb, obviously. But others are great. Others are so splendid and fabulous that you never want to leave. You want to stay and talk and hang out and sing or play or whatever, forever.

It was nice to be away from home, too, I decided. To have the freedom to do what I want was (hello) liberating. I could breathe. It was exhilarating.

I met a twelve-year-old boy who was there for a young artists’ convention. He was a pianist. He was a composer. He was a master of improv and I might even go so far to say that he was equal to (dare I hazard a “better than”?) Emma.

To be honest, this kid was insane. His name is Scott and he goes to piano school, takes lessons three times a week. He lives on Long Island (no surprise there, so do half the kids who were at Conference), but what really impressed me was the complete and total whole of himself, poured into his playing. He was very aware of the crowd of girls from our choir gathered around the grand, but just by looking at him you could tell that he was simply drowned in it. He looked up every so often as he played, and a few times he met my eyes: it was bizarre, it was intriguing. It was like he was hardly there, and it was all music, all his heart, just dripping like rain onto piano keys and into our ears.

Simply beautiful.

He inspired me, and so now I’m going to work harder. It wasn’t just him, either. It was the energy, the ambition, the talent that was jam-packed into the Radisson this weekend. It was the vivacity and passion of our conductor, Dr. Levine. (She was fab, as she would say, by the way.) It was the combination of independent, individual, brilliant, able, and strong women that made up my choir.

And it was the actual music-making: the long hours of rehearsing, the sweat, blood and tears drenching the memorization of “O Yo-yo” and the focus and energy throughout our program. It was the music that reminded me where I want to go, and where I want to be.

The truth is, I want to be at Eastman.

If I can’t, then I can’t. I’m square with that now. And Syracuse would be an alright alternative, sure.

But if Eastman likes my prescreening, then by God I am going to work my ass off and really soar with my audition rep.

I’m going to make some music for them.



A Story Excerpt
14 October 2008, 3:26 am
Filed under: Writing | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Don’t give away anything, he had been told.Don’t you dare even open your mouth. But he had to open his mouth, because his nose was broken, and every time he tried taking a breath he inhaled blood.
“Ready to talk yet, traitor?” a stout, burly guardsman demanded loudly.

“Yeah, kid, ready to name a few names?” Another , scrawnier guard successfully aimed a kick at his ribs. He grunted in pain, anger keeping him from making what he considered pathetic whimpering sounds. He couldn’t even retaliate. Damn ropes. Damn cowards.

Filius Griffinsword focused on keeping his breathing steady, focused on not panicking, even though he was pretty positive that last kick had cracked a few ribs. Maybe punctured a lung. He couldn’t tell for sure, not being a healer, but hell. It sure felt like something wasn’t right. Maybe it was his spleen. He’d heard somewhere that a ruptured spleen could kill you– where was his spleen, anyway? And when it came right down to ruptures, maybe his appendix had burst: he was positive that a burst appendix was deadly. What if–-

A third guard reached over and gripped his collar, then pulled Filius into a standing position. The ropes that bound his arms behind his back and his feet together were too tight, and lack of proper circulation had Filius swaying. The guard released him, sneered at him, then punched him in the nose again. Filius fell, vision spotting erratically, and landed hard flat on his back. Head reeling in agony, Filius mouthed a curse. He might have spoken it aloud, if he’d had air left in his lungs right then.

“Let’s have some names! Now!” A new voice roared, echoing through the large stone cell. Three guards’ heads turned to look toward the entryway. A giant of a man filled the door frame.

“Seargent Ti’dom,” one guard said reverently. “Thank you for coming to assist us.”

“My pleasure,” Ti’dom replied more quietly.

“No, it’s ours. Feel free to take over interrogations. Our guest doesn’t seem willing to assist us.”

Oh, sure. The guards were well-spoken and refined now that their leader was here. The three guardsmen stood a little straighter, and looked as though they were trying to ignore the blood staining their hands and clothes.

My blood, Filius thought bitterly, his mind blurred with pain. He could see it more clearly from his position on the floor, glistening darkly against their shirts, trousers, knuckles. But looking cost him too much strength, and his lifted head fell back onto brutally hard stone with a thud. He moaned softly as the cell around him spun some more.

He was dimly aware of loud, thudding footsteps booming in his direction. He was conscious enough to recognize the frenzy of fear and anxiety rising again as Ti’dom lifted him not-so-gently into a sitting position, then dragged him backward so he leaned against a thick, rock-solid wall.

Ti’dom crouched so he was face-to-face with the bruised and battered Filius. He spoke softly, but his voice held a threatening edge. “You know that if you do not give us names, you will never be released.” The information was a statement, not a question.

Filius made a small noise and attempted futilely to open his eyes. For some reason, they didn’t seem to be working correctly.

Ti’dom ignored him and continued, his deep, commanding bass capturing Filius’s full attention, not just his subconscious. Filius tried opening his eyes again and received a blurry image of inky skin, pale hair, and large, dark, ice-hard eyes.

“If you give me names of everyone involved, I will let you go. You will leave the country, never to come back. But you will be alive. Your life must be somewhat important to you.”

Filius forced his lips to work, made himself speak, even though the pressure on his lungs and the ache bearing down on his chest was nearly unbearable.

“Is your life more important than your country?” he whispered hoarsely

“Of course not,” Ti’dom snapped impatiently. “But you are not giving yours up for your country, instead you would die for traitors! Hell-raisers, anarchists! The very harbingers of disorder and destruction.” Ti’dom’s frustrated, passionate response made Filius’s lips curve in a tiny, weak smile.

“I would die to give the people of this nation the freedom they deserve. Not the horrors the new government sets upon them.” He breathed shallowly, air rattling through his battered lungs. He opened bruised and bloody eyes to stare into Ti’dom’s accusatory glare. “Kill me. I won’t tell you anything.”