Filed under: My Day, Random Thoughts | Tags: alcohol, bad decision, bed, believe, boy, cattaraugus, change, changes, college, community, connected, controversy, crazy, different, disconnected, dizzy, don't know, drama camp, drinking, drugs, emma, feel, feeling like shit, flood, friend, go to bed, God, going on, gowanda, grandma, grief, hannah, helping, kiener, knows, last time, lobotomy, long and hard, maybe, mrs. ripley, much more, must be, new york, no wonder, nonexistant, nuts, pretend, queasy, reply, ripley, school, shit, sickness, singing, situation, smoking, someone, spinning, state of emergency, stress, talk, temptation, tempting, The Flood, thought, time, tired, trust, underage drinking, understand, walking, willpower, wish, wonder, worse, Writing
So tired.
The idea of writing right now was so lucrative, so tempting. My willpower is practically nonexistant. So here I am.
With everything going on, I can’t pretend to feel one way when I really believe an entirely different thing.
I wish I could talk to someone about it, thought. Someone I could fully trust.
Who’d understand. I might try God, except I’m not sure I’m up for the ways He might decide to reply.
He knows it all, anyway. He knows everything, right?
My thoughts here and in my mind just aren’t connected at all. (As one might be able to tell.)
There are so many things racing through my head.
The flood. School and the changes that will occur. Drama Camp. A friend. Singing. Helping out. A boy. Walking. Feeling like shit. Worse situations than mine. Smoking drugs drinking and how I thought long and hard about it and crossed them all off as bad decisions for me right now. Controversy. Grandma. Stress, sickness. The grief rushing as thick and fast through this community as the Cattaraugus did. My current dizzy queasiness.
And so much more. Like how I want to trust everyone but I can’t.
It’s no wonder my head is spinning.
It’s almost time for me to start walking to the school for the last day of Drama Camp with Mrs. Ripley. It’s maybe the last time I’ll see Emma, Hannah, and Kiener before they go to college.
I don’t know how I feel about that, either. I just want to go to bed. And I just caught myself thinking “maybe I need a lobotomy.”
Yep, I must be nuts.
Kick Drum Heart 