Filed under: My Day, Random Thoughts | Tags: acid addict, acid tripper, addict, after, albeit, america, army, assembly of god, axe murdering, back room, bank, bastard, belief, believe, break, brendan, bruised, bruises, buddy, church, cleanup, cocky, cocky bastard, coffee, commander in chief, community, cuts, day, dedicated, delicately, demonic, deserve, die, dirty, distracted, doesn't, downtown, drill sergeant, emotionally starving, everywhere, exhausted, floating, fridge, friends, God, good, great, hammer, hate, heart, heart like a kick drum, high school, hit, holy, home, hour, hsbc, hungry, impressed, interesting, introduces, james, judge, kick drum, kick drum heart, know, life, love, loyalty, lunch, maggots, man, military, mom, monday, moose, moron, mr. omniscient, my heart, obama, obviously, only, penchant, people, people-reading skills, politely, rambling, respect, see right through, skylar, sore, sorry, spirit, spiritually starving, start, starving, strange, stride, strong-arm, student's, sub-flooring, sun-tanned, sweaty, tan, the avett brothers, The Flood, think, thinking, thought, thought process, time, tired, today, trainees, training, training base, two gods, understand, united states, united states of america, upstanding, usa, volunteer, volunteer base, walk, well..., whatever, work, worked, yesterday
8:14 AM
8/19/09
My heart’s, my heart’s like a kick drum. Ba bum-bum-bum-bum-bump. I’m exhausted, sore. As the strange army guy we worked with on Monday would say, emotionally starving. Or was it spiritually? Whatever.
I hate it when people think they know you upon meeting you. This man comes up to Brendan, Skylar, James and I at Assembly of God and introduces himself, tells us he was/is a drill sergeant at some military training base. He’s going back to Iraq next month. Now, that’s all well and good and interesting until he asks us what we’re doing after high school. So we tell him, and then he begins rambling about the army and how after an hour talking to his students/trainees/maggots/whatever he can see right through them.
Yes, great. So what do you see in me, Mr. Omniscient? Who exactly do you think you are, you cocky bastard?
Brendan asks him the same thing, albeit much more politely.
“So what do you know about me?”
He doesn’t break stride in informing Brendan that he believes Brendan to be an upstanding guy and dedicated to his community.
Well, obviously, moron. He’s only tired-looking, dirty, and at the volunteer base, sun-tanned and sweaty. However, one might take him for a demonic acid addict with a penchant for axe murdering.
Let’s just say I wasn’t so impressed with Military’s people-reading skills. He started speaking to us– four kids– about God and the military next. About how war is necessary, and if God has a strong-arm, the United States is it.
I can understand and respect the guy’s loyalty, but God is the only one who can judge who deserves to die and who doesn’t. And as Brendan very delicately pointed out, it seems like believing that is like serving two gods.
The Commander in Chief isn’t holy, sorry, buddy.
…….
Now I’m on to another thought process. Just kind of floating along, here. I had to go make the coffee and put my mom’s lunch in the fridge in the back room and now I’m wondering when Brendan will get here, so I’m a little distracted.
I’m so sore. I don’t want to have to walk from the bank to the relocated base at the Moose. I’m all bruised up and scratched. It’s a satisfied battered, but I feel like the hammer I smashed repeatedly into my hand yesterday hit everywhere else, too. And now Brendan’s here. Time to start another day.
Filed under: My Day, Random Thoughts | Tags: alcohol, bad decision, bed, believe, boy, cattaraugus, change, changes, college, community, connected, controversy, crazy, different, disconnected, dizzy, don't know, drama camp, drinking, drugs, emma, feel, feeling like shit, flood, friend, go to bed, God, going on, gowanda, grandma, grief, hannah, helping, kiener, knows, last time, lobotomy, long and hard, maybe, mrs. ripley, much more, must be, new york, no wonder, nonexistant, nuts, pretend, queasy, reply, ripley, school, shit, sickness, singing, situation, smoking, someone, spinning, state of emergency, stress, talk, temptation, tempting, The Flood, thought, time, tired, trust, underage drinking, understand, walking, willpower, wish, wonder, worse, Writing
So tired.
The idea of writing right now was so lucrative, so tempting. My willpower is practically nonexistant. So here I am.
With everything going on, I can’t pretend to feel one way when I really believe an entirely different thing.
I wish I could talk to someone about it, thought. Someone I could fully trust.
Who’d understand. I might try God, except I’m not sure I’m up for the ways He might decide to reply.
He knows it all, anyway. He knows everything, right?
My thoughts here and in my mind just aren’t connected at all. (As one might be able to tell.)
There are so many things racing through my head.
The flood. School and the changes that will occur. Drama Camp. A friend. Singing. Helping out. A boy. Walking. Feeling like shit. Worse situations than mine. Smoking drugs drinking and how I thought long and hard about it and crossed them all off as bad decisions for me right now. Controversy. Grandma. Stress, sickness. The grief rushing as thick and fast through this community as the Cattaraugus did. My current dizzy queasiness.
And so much more. Like how I want to trust everyone but I can’t.
It’s no wonder my head is spinning.
It’s almost time for me to start walking to the school for the last day of Drama Camp with Mrs. Ripley. It’s maybe the last time I’ll see Emma, Hannah, and Kiener before they go to college.
I don’t know how I feel about that, either. I just want to go to bed. And I just caught myself thinking “maybe I need a lobotomy.”
Yep, I must be nuts.
Filed under: Events, My Day, Ranting | Tags: 100, admit, admitting, am, any, anyone, anyone else, anything, audition, auditions, awkward, balls, before, befuddled, believe, bogoroditze dievo radusia, bony, boy, break, breaking, broken, butt, can't, cannot, carefree, chair, chance, cheerful, cheery, chill, chilled, come on, confident, conversation, crush, crushed, crushes, crushing, decent, department, deserve, dickau, different, dirty, else, example, famine song, fat, fogrot, forget, forget it, forgot, friend, friendship, fun, go, grip, guy, happiness, happy, he, he'll make a way, heather, him, honest, honestly, hypothetical, hypothetically, imagine, just, kim, know, lack, lap, laugh, leg, legs, let's pretend, little, long, lots, make, me, mind, mr. fleischman, much, my, myself, naive, naturally, nice, no pressure, not, not confident, novice, obligation, obligations, oh, overthinking, pressure, pretend, rachmaninov, Ranting, raving, real, relationship, relationships, remark, remarks, right, sang, saw, scared, seat, secret, see, seeing, sing, singing, something, song, spoil, spoiled, success, sullied, talk, talking, them, there, thin, think, thinking, thinks, thought, too, too long, ugh, uncomfortable, unusual, voice, want, wanted, while, why?, wish, wished, with, without, worried, worries, worry, xylophone
Today was a success. Xylophone audition did not go as well as I wanted it to, but I got a 100 on my singing, and Heather and Mr. Fleischman were there, and it was nice seeing them.
Oh, uhg. Forget it, this is not what is honestly on my mind right now.
I want to know why I can’t be happy around a guy? I can spend time with him, and laugh, and that’s cheerful. But when it comes to doing something that’s not just talking, I get awkward, worried. I’m nervous. I’m not confident. I am scared.
And I think to myself, come on now, honestly. It’s not like you’ve never done anything before, and it’s not like you’re doing the dirty with him right now, you just chilled out with him for a while. No pressure.
But, take this as an example. Hypothetically, let’s pretend I go to sit on his lap. For lack of a chair, naturally. And let’s pretend that when I sat on his lap I worried about breaking his leg… is my butt too bony? Can he tell how much fat I have on my legs?
And then he (hypotheticall) remarks, “It seems like you’re uncomfortable, though…”
Get a grip, Kim. Or get a seat. A decent one.
I deserve a little happiness and carefree fun with a boy. I normally feel unusual admitting that I should get something, it is my right to have it.
But I do deserve to have a little fun. Without worrying about obligations or what he or anyone else thinks of me. I’ve had enough trouble in the guy department for too long to believe anything different. My only real relationship was spoiled and sullied. Any crushing I do is done in secret because I don’t want to ruin friendships or make conversation awkward.
But if I have a chance to make something of a friendship turned attraction, than shouldn’t I take it? I’m always ranting and raving about taking the initiative… where are my balls?
I don’t have any, but hypothetically let’s pretend I really should grow some and take that chance.
It might be completely worthless and I might be bullshitting myself into thinking that something could come of this. But free, unrestricted fun would be so welcome, so warranted. I’m busy and stressed and a strong and confident person. I’m not the sort most guys are attracted to. Come on, I might be blonde, but I’m not a stick and aside from being a good laugher, a good listener, and an okay joke-maker I have nothing appealing going for me. I have an ex-boyfriend that everyone knows about and disliked, and I made a fool (publicly) out of myself for him for the majority of last year. I’m not a slut but I can be kind of a smartass sometimes, which puts me at the bottom of any list of interesting prospects, naturally. I don’t do drugs or party (yet, I guess), so my reputation on that front is clean. To boys, I’d be boring. Maybe a little bit pretty, because my hair’s kind of cool, but generally uninteresting and unintriguing.
Therefore, if I have an opportunity to change that… shouldn’t I?
I don’t want him to take up a huge part of my life, because my life revolves around my family, friends, and school. And success. I’m ambitious. But I’m worried that if I take a step out onto this particular limb, I’ll fall straight off the tree, and fall hard. I don’t want to be falling for anyone. It’s a crush, an interest, and that’s all it is. Nothing serious, but it’s got possibility. What if I make it serious, though? It’s so habitual to just gravitate toward the intense, serious, straight-faced attitude.
Why? Have I been brainwashed into thinking that serious is good? I want a lighthearted relationship that feels nothing like a relationship! A friendship, with benefits.
But then again, do I really? Didn’t I like the bonding, the adoration?
Ehh. I could live without it right now. It’s too reminiscient of last year’s catastrophes. A carefree series of rendezvous would be just fine with me.
The end.
Filed under: Random Thoughts | Tags: antigone, apollo, belief, believe, bishop, castle, chess, choice, choices, creon, decide, decisions, delphi, destiny, diagonal, disgusting, drama, fate, game, greece, greek, human, incest, ismene, jocasta, king, late, mom, mother, oedipus, oedipus rex, oedipus the king, oracle, play, queen, random, rex, rook, rumor, sophocles, sphinx, thebes, thoughts, tired, tiresias, tragedy
I honestly believe that ignorance is bliss. Take a look at Oedipus in Sophocles’ Greek tragedy, Oedipus Rex. If he had just ignored the oracles and seers that tended to pop up all over the damn place he could have continued living happily. He could have cheeerily gone and gotten some hanky panky on with his wife, Jocasta, without feeling extremely disgusting because he’d just done the dirty with his momma. But no, he listened to rumor, he listened to the Oracle at Delphi, and he simply couldn’t even be bothered to try and quench the burning curiosity he felt when it came to the circumstances surrounding his birth. If he’d lived in ignorance, he wouldn’t have lived such a cursed life.
Because I do not believe that Fate lays out our destinies before us. Yes, there might be obstacles set up along the way by some higher power. Okay, cool. But we choose– we decide– what we do with those obstacles. You can’t tell me that the starving is the “fate” of the millions of emaciated children in third world countries. You cannot convince me that my fate is to end up where some fantastical god moves me.
I am not a pawn. I am not a queen, either. But on the chessboard of life, I consider myself a rook or a bishop (preferably a bishop, I like diagonals more than I like straight lines)– I have restrictions, like any human being. But I can do as much with the game as I want to, even if that means being taken out of the playing because of my own stupidity.
On the other end of the metaphorical spectrum, however, I could also end up checkmating the other guy, as a bishop.
Hmm. It must be late, for me to be making comparisons to chess about life. Time for me to get diagonally to bed.
Kick Drum Heart 