Kick Drum Heart

I’m making myself write. I wrote last night (maybe it was Monday), and I felt sooo much better. I wrote today in chem– a note to Emily– and  I felt more clear-headed afterward. I think I’ve been ignoring a part of my personality that only comes out when I’m writing, and that’s why I’ve been so inept when dealing with various situations. I’m not as in tune with myself when I don’t write, and I can’t respond to certain issues when I’m not all there.

God, my friends always worry me. It might be absurd, it might be insecurity, but lately (and before, in early October) I’ve  been concerned that some of my friends dislike me. Ridiculous, yes,  but I’ve never been the type of person who likes to bring things up and discuss them, so I don’t really know. What would I say, anyway? “What’s wrong with you?” What if nothing is actually wrong? What if they really haven’t changed their opinions about me, and I’m the one with the revolving perspective? I think I overanalyze.

I used to overthink everything… this was last year. Then, I realized how much stress thinking that often and that intensely added to everyday life. The beginning of this school year was lovely, because I didn’t really give a shit what anyone thought of me.

I really want to return to that viewpoint. Really really. But then again, I honestly don’t want others to shun me because I hold disdain for their opinions. I suppose there has to be a happy medium somewhere: disregard for society’s pressures and influences, while still being kind and respectful and sociable. And without gossip being necessary to hold friends together. I don’t want to have to talk about someone to keep in others’ good graces, as included and well-thought-of as it sometimes makes me feel. That’s honesty there for you: it makes me feel good about myself, and included, when I gossip. But it leaves a guilty weight in my stomach and an unpleasant taste in my mouth. So no more gossip for me, thanks. No more random laughter when it’s not necessary, no more forced happiness. But none of that “keep my head down to stay unnoticed” nonsense, either, none of the shy facade. I’m not shy, and I like to be noticed. I just don’t want to be noticed for the wrong things.

Maintaining a social life is tough. I wish I could quit thinking about it. Maybe I’ll try. 

Well, until tomorrow, when I’ll make myself write again.