Filed under: Events, My Day, Ranting | Tags: 100, admit, admitting, am, any, anyone, anyone else, anything, audition, auditions, awkward, balls, before, befuddled, believe, bogoroditze dievo radusia, bony, boy, break, breaking, broken, butt, can't, cannot, carefree, chair, chance, cheerful, cheery, chill, chilled, come on, confident, conversation, crush, crushed, crushes, crushing, decent, department, deserve, dickau, different, dirty, else, example, famine song, fat, fogrot, forget, forget it, forgot, friend, friendship, fun, go, grip, guy, happiness, happy, he, he'll make a way, heather, him, honest, honestly, hypothetical, hypothetically, imagine, just, kim, know, lack, lap, laugh, leg, legs, let's pretend, little, long, lots, make, me, mind, mr. fleischman, much, my, myself, naive, naturally, nice, no pressure, not, not confident, novice, obligation, obligations, oh, overthinking, pressure, pretend, rachmaninov, Ranting, raving, real, relationship, relationships, remark, remarks, right, sang, saw, scared, seat, secret, see, seeing, sing, singing, something, song, spoil, spoiled, success, sullied, talk, talking, them, there, thin, think, thinking, thinks, thought, too, too long, ugh, uncomfortable, unusual, voice, want, wanted, while, why?, wish, wished, with, without, worried, worries, worry, xylophone
Today was a success. Xylophone audition did not go as well as I wanted it to, but I got a 100 on my singing, and Heather and Mr. Fleischman were there, and it was nice seeing them.
Oh, uhg. Forget it, this is not what is honestly on my mind right now.
I want to know why I can’t be happy around a guy? I can spend time with him, and laugh, and that’s cheerful. But when it comes to doing something that’s not just talking, I get awkward, worried. I’m nervous. I’m not confident. I am scared.
And I think to myself, come on now, honestly. It’s not like you’ve never done anything before, and it’s not like you’re doing the dirty with him right now, you just chilled out with him for a while. No pressure.
But, take this as an example. Hypothetically, let’s pretend I go to sit on his lap. For lack of a chair, naturally. And let’s pretend that when I sat on his lap I worried about breaking his leg… is my butt too bony? Can he tell how much fat I have on my legs?
And then he (hypotheticall) remarks, “It seems like you’re uncomfortable, though…”
Get a grip, Kim. Or get a seat. A decent one.
I deserve a little happiness and carefree fun with a boy. I normally feel unusual admitting that I should get something, it is my right to have it.
But I do deserve to have a little fun. Without worrying about obligations or what he or anyone else thinks of me. I’ve had enough trouble in the guy department for too long to believe anything different. My only real relationship was spoiled and sullied. Any crushing I do is done in secret because I don’t want to ruin friendships or make conversation awkward.
But if I have a chance to make something of a friendship turned attraction, than shouldn’t I take it? I’m always ranting and raving about taking the initiative… where are my balls?
I don’t have any, but hypothetically let’s pretend I really should grow some and take that chance.
It might be completely worthless and I might be bullshitting myself into thinking that something could come of this. But free, unrestricted fun would be so welcome, so warranted. I’m busy and stressed and a strong and confident person. I’m not the sort most guys are attracted to. Come on, I might be blonde, but I’m not a stick and aside from being a good laugher, a good listener, and an okay joke-maker I have nothing appealing going for me. I have an ex-boyfriend that everyone knows about and disliked, and I made a fool (publicly) out of myself for him for the majority of last year. I’m not a slut but I can be kind of a smartass sometimes, which puts me at the bottom of any list of interesting prospects, naturally. I don’t do drugs or party (yet, I guess), so my reputation on that front is clean. To boys, I’d be boring. Maybe a little bit pretty, because my hair’s kind of cool, but generally uninteresting and unintriguing.
Therefore, if I have an opportunity to change that… shouldn’t I?
I don’t want him to take up a huge part of my life, because my life revolves around my family, friends, and school. And success. I’m ambitious. But I’m worried that if I take a step out onto this particular limb, I’ll fall straight off the tree, and fall hard. I don’t want to be falling for anyone. It’s a crush, an interest, and that’s all it is. Nothing serious, but it’s got possibility. What if I make it serious, though? It’s so habitual to just gravitate toward the intense, serious, straight-faced attitude.
Why? Have I been brainwashed into thinking that serious is good? I want a lighthearted relationship that feels nothing like a relationship! A friendship, with benefits.
But then again, do I really? Didn’t I like the bonding, the adoration?
Ehh. I could live without it right now. It’s too reminiscient of last year’s catastrophes. A carefree series of rendezvous would be just fine with me.
The end.
Filed under: Random Thoughts, Ranting | Tags: analyzing, brave, clear-headed, crazy, friends, friendship, gossip, honestly, honesty, i, insecure, me, myself, opinion, opinions, overthinking, person, perspective, really, security, thinking, unsatisfied, view, worried, worries, worry, Writing
I’m making myself write. I wrote last night (maybe it was Monday), and I felt sooo much better. I wrote today in chem– a note to Emily– and I felt more clear-headed afterward. I think I’ve been ignoring a part of my personality that only comes out when I’m writing, and that’s why I’ve been so inept when dealing with various situations. I’m not as in tune with myself when I don’t write, and I can’t respond to certain issues when I’m not all there.
God, my friends always worry me. It might be absurd, it might be insecurity, but lately (and before, in early October) I’ve been concerned that some of my friends dislike me. Ridiculous, yes, but I’ve never been the type of person who likes to bring things up and discuss them, so I don’t really know. What would I say, anyway? “What’s wrong with you?” What if nothing is actually wrong? What if they really haven’t changed their opinions about me, and I’m the one with the revolving perspective? I think I overanalyze.
I used to overthink everything… this was last year. Then, I realized how much stress thinking that often and that intensely added to everyday life. The beginning of this school year was lovely, because I didn’t really give a shit what anyone thought of me.
I really want to return to that viewpoint. Really really. But then again, I honestly don’t want others to shun me because I hold disdain for their opinions. I suppose there has to be a happy medium somewhere: disregard for society’s pressures and influences, while still being kind and respectful and sociable. And without gossip being necessary to hold friends together. I don’t want to have to talk about someone to keep in others’ good graces, as included and well-thought-of as it sometimes makes me feel. That’s honesty there for you: it makes me feel good about myself, and included, when I gossip. But it leaves a guilty weight in my stomach and an unpleasant taste in my mouth. So no more gossip for me, thanks. No more random laughter when it’s not necessary, no more forced happiness. But none of that “keep my head down to stay unnoticed” nonsense, either, none of the shy facade. I’m not shy, and I like to be noticed. I just don’t want to be noticed for the wrong things.
Maintaining a social life is tough. I wish I could quit thinking about it. Maybe I’ll try.
Well, until tomorrow, when I’ll make myself write again.
Kick Drum Heart 