Filed under: college, Dreams, Essays/School, music, Random Thoughts | Tags: and then, but, crap, dan dix, daniel, daniel dix, figured, flirting, friends, gowanda high school, happy, jcc english, lacrosse, opportunity, poem, Poetry, rambling, remembered, stupid, stupid trivial crap, then, trivial
I wasn’t going to blog right now. I don’t know what I was going to do this period, exactly… maybe marimba it up, but there’s 5/6 Band. Maybe type some of my story, but Judd hasn’t given me back the proofed copy back yet.
Then I found out some bum news, and that made me sad. Just trivial crap, but it hurt my feelings regardless. I wondered when I had become so soft-shelled and soggy-minded. Seriously.
But then I remembered Daniel, and being personable and happy despite trivial stupid crap. I remembered how even yesterday, after thinking about him and everything else, how much more friendly I actually was toward people I barely talked to. I’d forgotten how much I like talking to strangers (that’s funny, huh?). I guess I’d become so comfortable in my own group of friends, I’d forgotten how much I enjoy broadening the sphere of my relationships with people. I remembered flirting with the lacrosse players, singing like a lunatic with Ashleigh, and Nick and I bumping purposefully into one another in playful harrassment. And I remembered talking with Emily today about the Pennysaver article that’s going to feature me, and my music. I remembered freaking amazing Eastman and the unexpected blessing it was to hear from them.
And then I felt better. I dealt with the stupid trivial crap in about two minutes; then made my way here. I posted my poem, and felt even (more) better, despite that sad grammar. At first I didn’t like the poem; I mean, doesn’t it make me look like the hugest music geek ever? and plus I have to present it creatively, and geeze what am I going to do?
Then I figured out that I don’t care, and I am a music geek. And to polish it off I’m going to sing it for my class. Hah.
I know I have a decision to make, college-wise. Syracuse is full of different opportunities that I may never get at Eastman. So I have to choose where I want my life to go.
But for now, I am happy. I am thinking and I am serious about things, but I am happy. And I love it. And that’s what counts.
Filed under: My Day | Tags: anberlin, angry, april 25, ass, bandana, be, crowell, dan dix, daniel dix, dix, drama, existence, facebook, fate, glum, God, grandma, grief, kick, life, live, love, lyrics, manufactured, moment, red bandana, sad, sit, thinking, unnecessary, whatever, wing, wonders
I had this written earlier today, when I sat melancholy in the red library cushiony chair while Landon read practically over my shoulder. I’ll post it already. Here are some thoughts…
There’s never been a time when I’ve been seriously, life-threateningly unhappy. Sad, yes. Disappointed, grieving, miserable, frustrated, angry, horrified, ashamed… Yep, I’ve experienced all of them. I’ve never felt the need to create drama in order to keep myself occupied. In the vivacity of my pleasant existenct, I’ve seen enough despair to find the manufactured version quite unnecessary.
So here I sit, glum and thinking, and wondering why I can’t just be pleased. But deep thoughts run tranquil for me, usually, and I can’t force a smile when I think about life and death. The philosopher in me won’t let me.
And my own uneven thoughts won’t either.
A red bandana is tied to my bag, a blood-bright reminder of how easily life can wing away. Just waiting for the twenty-fifth, when I’m sure I’ll wear it wrapped tight around my hair, just a touch more golden than Daniel’s blonde.
April’s the month, my grandma says. The month when the Dixes/Crowells are generally kicked in the ass by God or fate or life or whatever.
Every day’s the day, I say. The day when, to escape that kick in the ass, I feel like I should be living. And loving, and doing everything I can to live the life I’ve been given.
It’s easier to write and ramble about it than to do it. So here I go, and hard as it may be, I don’t want to wear that bandana and think of my own lost chances. I want to wear it and say it’s for my cousin. Who lived as I want to live. Who gave of himself to the people around him every day, no matter who they were. Who kept his goals in mind and wrung every moment for the wonders it carried.
Whose last facebook status proclaimed the very existence I want.
“Live for today, we’ll dream tomorrow. We’ve got big plans in sight.”
Kick Drum Heart 