But then, I realized (that I’m on a ramble)
14 April 2010, 1:01 pm
Filed under:
college,
Dreams,
Essays/School,
music,
Random Thoughts | Tags:
and then,
but,
crap,
dan dix,
daniel,
daniel dix,
figured,
flirting,
friends,
gowanda high school,
happy,
jcc english,
lacrosse,
opportunity,
poem,
Poetry,
rambling,
remembered,
stupid,
stupid trivial crap,
then,
trivialI wasn’t going to blog right now. I don’t know what I was going to do this period, exactly… maybe marimba it up, but there’s 5/6 Band. Maybe type some of my story, but Judd hasn’t given me back the proofed copy back yet.
Then I found out some bum news, and that made me sad. Just trivial crap, but it hurt my feelings regardless. I wondered when I had become so soft-shelled and soggy-minded. Seriously.
But then I remembered Daniel, and being personable and happy despite trivial stupid crap. I remembered how even yesterday, after thinking about him and everything else, how much more friendly I actually was toward people I barely talked to. I’d forgotten how much I like talking to strangers (that’s funny, huh?). I guess I’d become so comfortable in my own group of friends, I’d forgotten how much I enjoy broadening the sphere of my relationships with people. I remembered flirting with the lacrosse players, singing like a lunatic with Ashleigh, and Nick and I bumping purposefully into one another in playful harrassment. And I remembered talking with Emily today about the Pennysaver article that’s going to feature me, and my music. I remembered freaking amazing Eastman and the unexpected blessing it was to hear from them.
And then I felt better. I dealt with the stupid trivial crap in about two minutes; then made my way here. I posted my poem, and felt even (more) better, despite that sad grammar. At first I didn’t like the poem; I mean, doesn’t it make me look like the hugest music geek ever? and plus I have to present it creatively, and geeze what am I going to do?
Then I figured out that I don’t care, and I am a music geek. And to polish it off I’m going to sing it for my class. Hah.
I know I have a decision to make, college-wise. Syracuse is full of different opportunities that I may never get at Eastman. So I have to choose where I want my life to go.
But for now, I am happy. I am thinking and I am serious about things, but I am happy. And I love it. And that’s what counts.
Storytime
20 February 2009, 8:01 pm
Filed under:
My Explanations,
Writing | Tags:
:],
a lot,
age,
always,
author,
authors,
biological,
biologist,
biology,
black,
blog,
blogging,
Blogs,
book,
books,
but,
carry,
cast,
cast of characters,
chance,
character,
characters,
children,
clock,
compose,
composition,
composition notebook,
contribute,
contribution,
crazy,
deal,
depend,
depending,
depends,
dream,
eager,
easier,
easy,
every,
excerpts,
fear,
feeling,
fill,
filling,
first,
footwear,
form,
gap,
gaps,
go,
go crazy,
going,
great,
great deal,
ha,
have,
hypothetical,
hypothetically,
it,
it is,
it's,
journal,
lack,
lacking,
lately,
left,
left and right,
like,
lit,
literary,
literature,
little,
long,
made up,
making up,
material,
maybe,
me,
mine,
more,
much,
my,
narrate,
narrated,
neglect,
neglected,
neglecting,
never,
not,
note,
notebook,
novel,
novels,
one,
order,
particular,
past,
perfect,
place,
publish,
published,
putting,
read,
reading,
reason,
remember,
revise,
revising,
right,
second,
setting,
share,
shoe,
shoes,
simple,
someone,
stories,
storm,
story,
storytime,
tell,
telling,
them,
there,
though,
tick,
tick-tock,
ticking,
time,
tried,
try,
trying,
type,
typing,
week,
weeks,
who,
work,
working,
world,
write,
Writing,
written,
wrote,
you,
young,
youngerSo, I have not been blogging lately, but never fear. I have been writing up a storm.
It’s always been my dream to write a book. For as long as I can remember I’ve been making up stories left and right.
Now is the time where I get to feeling like my hypothetical biological clock is ticking. NOT for children… for a book.
There are already published authors who are my age or younger. I have a great deal to contribute to the literary world and am so eager to share it!
So for the past few weeks I’ve been carrying around a simple-but-perfect black composition notebook. It’s a lot like a journal, because the story is going to be narrated by me, for the most part. It’s easier telling a story that way; reading one written by someone else always makes me feel like I am in that character’s shoes at that particular place in time. What I write is always in story form, though; I have a setting and a cast of characters and I’m trying to go crazy with it every chance I get. I think it’s working :] As soon as I fill up the notebook, I’m typing and revising the little excerpts I have, then putting them in order. And then filling in the gaps with more story. Maybe I’ll even fill a second notebook, depending on how much material I feel like I’m lacking.
Ha, but anyway. There you have it, the reason why I have neglected my blog.
Yea, tho’ I walk through the hallway of the crapload of Regents
27 January 2009, 2:54 pm
Filed under:
Dreams,
My Day,
Random Thoughts,
Ranting | Tags:
"day of smiles",
1/27/09,
2009,
7:10,
again,
all right,
alright,
although,
am,
back,
bar,
bed,
believe,
believed,
better,
black,
breakfast,
but,
car,
care,
coffee,
cup,
day,
dental,
dentist,
did,
do,
do not,
don't,
done,
dream,
dreamed,
dreampt,
Dreams,
dreamt,
exam,
exhausted,
exhaustion,
extent,
fail,
failed,
feeling,
free,
gay,
go,
granola,
granola bar,
great,
head,
heaven,
heavenly,
here,
home,
hot,
i,
january,
january 27,
kashi,
last,
math,
math b,
math b regents,
me,
mind,
mom,
more,
my,
myself,
nearly,
never,
night,
not,
nothing,
now,
oh,
once,
once more,
one,
only,
perfect,
regents,
remind,
reminded,
reminds,
right,
school,
sister,
sleep,
smile,
smiles,
smiley,
smiling,
stomach,
straaaange,
strange,
stupid,
take,
taken,
taking,
talk,
talked,
talking,
teeth,
test,
testing,
think,
thinking,
thought,
thought of,
thoughts,
time,
tired,
took,
uhg,
upset,
want,
wanted,
wanting,
wish,
wished,
wishing,
yesterday1/27/09 7:10 AM The Car
I am not feeling too hot right now. My stomach is still unsettled (although not NEARLY to the extent it was yesterday). I’m on my way to take the Math B Regents for the fourth time. I have never failed it– I just have yet to get the score I want on it, and it’s the one exam I don’t mind taking again.
I had a Kashi granola bar and a cup of coffee for breakfast. And now I really don’t feel so great. Oh, uhg. I thought it was better than eating nothing! which is what I wanted to do.
I just want to go home and head back to bed. I never don’t usually want this… but today it sounds perfect. Heavenly, in fact.
Alright, time to go. Here’s the school.
Oh; but my mom and sister are talking about the dentist, which reminds me– I had a dream last night that I was at school and there was a smiley poster for free dental care for one day only– the “Day of Smiles.” Strange!
And, I guess
26 January 2009, 11:13 pm
Filed under:
My Day,
Ranting | Tags:
after,
amuse,
amused,
amusement,
any,
anymore,
appeal,
appealing,
as,
attempt,
attempting,
attempts,
attention,
attentions,
attract,
attractive,
attractiveness,
be,
been,
behold,
believe,
believed,
big,
big deal,
blond,
blonde,
blue,
blue eyes,
boat,
build,
building,
built,
but,
can,
cheer,
cheerful,
cheerfulness,
cheery,
comment,
comments,
complete,
completely,
connect,
connection,
convenient,
could,
could have,
curvaceous,
curvacious,
curve,
curves,
curvy,
deal,
depress,
depressed,
depressing,
determine,
determined,
do not,
don't,
drama,
dramatic,
dwell,
easily,
easy,
else,
elsewhere,
english,
English Regents,
even,
ever,
ex,
ex-boyfriend,
eyelash,
eyelashes,
eyes,
fact,
fail,
failure,
fantastical,
fantasy,
feminine,
femininity,
fiery,
flirtation,
flirting,
float,
floated,
floating,
focus,
focused,
focusing,
frame,
fun,
gaiety,
girl,
goes,
going,
gone,
good,
guy,
guys,
h2o,
hair,
have,
heal,
healed,
healing,
heart,
hey,
hope,
hopeful,
i,
i am,
i have,
i'm,
i've,
idea,
ideas,
imagination,
imagine,
imagined,
inadequacies,
inadequacy,
inadequate,
inconvenient,
infested,
interest,
interested,
it,
it doesn't matter,
just,
just that,
know,
lashes,
laugh,
length,
less,
let,
life,
lifeboat,
light,
light-hearted,
lighthearted,
like,
long,
longer,
matter,
maybe,
mine,
my,
my own,
myself,
next,
nor,
not,
nothing,
notice,
nowhere,
noxious,
nurse,
obnoxious,
obscene,
obscenely,
off,
oh,
oh-hey,
okay,
once,
out,
outspoken,
own,
party,
pause,
practice,
practicing,
pull,
pulled,
random,
really,
rebound,
refrain,
refrained,
refuse,
regent,
regents,
repartee,
right,
romantic,
row,
row row row your boat,
sad,
said,
say,
saying,
search,
searching,
sharp,
she,
sit,
smart,
smile,
so what?,
so what?! loud,
soon,
sought,
sought after,
sound,
speak,
speaker,
speaking,
speculate,
speculation,
spirit,
spirited,
spoken,
stupid,
suck,
sucks,
suppose,
sure,
that,
thing,
think,
thinking,
this,
thought,
thoughts,
thrice,
time,
tomorrow,
too,
tuesday,
turn,
turn-off,
turns,
twice,
undesirable,
unsuccessful,
upset,
was,
was not,
wasn't,
water,
waters,
when,
where,
white,
who,
will,
will not,
with,
witty,
won't,
word,
words,
would,
would not,
wouldn’t,
wound,
write,
Writing,
written,
wrongI suppose it was just a speculation of mine. You know, a thought. A random inconvenient fantastical idea, that floated in from nowhere. I wouldn’t sound so dramatic, but I’m practicing my writing for the stupid English Regents tomorrow.
But simply put, that means: I guess I just got my hopes up.
It wasn’t a big deal, realizing that, oh-hey, there goes a possibiolity of a fun time. Of course, nothing is really a big deal when it comes to me and guys. I don’t have big deals, or drama. I don’t get upset. It’s “whatever” and “it doesn’t matter” and “who will I take an interest in next?”
Right. Okay, so, who will it be.
I don’t want to think about that right now. I don’t really want to dwell on my failure as a girl, my failure at attractiveness, at witty repartee. I don’t ever like to sit and nurse a wound that will heal easily and soon.
But I don’t want to fail to notice my own sad attempts at femininity. The long blonde hair really does nothing for me, nor do the blue eyes, obscenely long lashes, curvy frame or even smile. Maybe it’s the laugh that turns them off, maybe my cheerfulness is just too obnoxious to behold for any length of time. Maybe the flirting was just that.
Sure. I can deal with that. I won’t think any more on the fact that I’m completely undesirable, too outspoken for my own good, and when the time is right to comment, I refrain. I refuse to pause any longer over my inadequacies as a determined but unsuccessful interested party.
So what if my laugh is too loud, my comments too sharp? So what if I say the wrong thing once or twice, or I’m less appealing than she is?
If I’m too big, I’m too big.
If I’m too smart, I’m too smart.
If I’m only a focus of amusement and flirtation, then I’d do better to focus my own attentions elsewhere.
But this could have been my chance. I let myself believe that, hey, this could be the rebound I’ve been searching for. The connection that pulled me out of ex-infested waters and into a lifeboat built with lighthearted gaiety and a less depressing spirit.
But it’s no big deal. I’ll get over it.
If I’m too romantic and hopeful, I’ve just got to suck it up.
Kick Drum Heart 