Kick-start
13 April 2010, 5:32 pm
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wondersI had this written earlier today, when I sat melancholy in the red library cushiony chair while Landon read practically over my shoulder. I’ll post it already. Here are some thoughts…
There’s never been a time when I’ve been seriously, life-threateningly unhappy. Sad, yes. Disappointed, grieving, miserable, frustrated, angry, horrified, ashamed… Yep, I’ve experienced all of them. I’ve never felt the need to create drama in order to keep myself occupied. In the vivacity of my pleasant existenct, I’ve seen enough despair to find the manufactured version quite unnecessary.
So here I sit, glum and thinking, and wondering why I can’t just be pleased. But deep thoughts run tranquil for me, usually, and I can’t force a smile when I think about life and death. The philosopher in me won’t let me.
And my own uneven thoughts won’t either.
A red bandana is tied to my bag, a blood-bright reminder of how easily life can wing away. Just waiting for the twenty-fifth, when I’m sure I’ll wear it wrapped tight around my hair, just a touch more golden than Daniel’s blonde.
April’s the month, my grandma says. The month when the Dixes/Crowells are generally kicked in the ass by God or fate or life or whatever.
Every day’s the day, I say. The day when, to escape that kick in the ass, I feel like I should be living. And loving, and doing everything I can to live the life I’ve been given.
It’s easier to write and ramble about it than to do it. So here I go, and hard as it may be, I don’t want to wear that bandana and think of my own lost chances. I want to wear it and say it’s for my cousin. Who lived as I want to live. Who gave of himself to the people around him every day, no matter who they were. Who kept his goals in mind and wrung every moment for the wonders it carried.
Whose last facebook status proclaimed the very existence I want.
“Live for today, we’ll dream tomorrow. We’ve got big plans in sight.”
I give up on trying to understand
18 June 2009, 12:30 pm
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yearIt’s my last day of tests this year. I’m done. Finito. I’m still going to be busy, obviously, but aside from going in next Thursday to roll on the snare for an hour and then practice the senior song with chamber choir, I’m done with school until September. It’s finally summer.
So I’m mostly sitting here harmonizing with the great Avett Brothers and wasting the day away. I figured as long as I was online and in a mellow, tranquil mood, I could try and write.
While I’m thinking of mellow and tranquil, I still am wearing my red bandana. I didn’t know Daniel, but the fact that he never got to do all he needed or wanted to do inspires me daily to get out there. To improve myself, to make some kind of effort to do what I want to before my time is done with. I look at the bandana and I think it. I look at the bandana and I can see his face: I know it from pictures, I know it from the wake. I look at the bandana and replacing the red is white skin and blonde hair, blue eyes and the peaceful face of the cousin I never knew. I don’t see him sleeping, as he appeared in his coffin. I see him smiling the truly excellent smile everyone says they will miss. I never knew it to miss it. I wish I had known him.
Well, I guess that’s what the mellow mood produced. Faint melancholy and a regurgitation of my thoughts from the past few months. Here’s another interesting thought: I went to Medusa’s the week after Daniel died, to get my hair done for prom. I’m going there next Thursday to get it cut. It’s interesting to think that everything revolves that way, or maybe it feels like it does. The world keeps spinning even when something so unthinkable happens it seems to stop. But life goes on, turning, turning. So interesting.
Kick Drum Heart 