Filed under: Dreams, Events, music, My Day, Random Thoughts | Tags: amazing, anyway, classy, crap, dance, dress, earrings, evening, fun, fun glasses, girl, glittery, gowanda high school, gown, grandma, grandma's house, happy, headache, heels, hollywood, important, katherine heigl, lips, look, marilyn monroe, marvelous, mind, minute, multi-colored, nails, red, rose, second, senior ball, senior dinner dance, shallow, shoes, simply, sparkle, sparkly, spectacles, superficial, today, tonight, wench
Here I sit, sipping cold hot chocolate and nibbling leftover homemade popcorn (no butter, no salt, but somehow, still amazing). I still need to finish up (or start) that stupid IDOC thing– yeah, ’cause I know how to do that. (I don’t.) But other than that, and a mild headache, today is marvelous. I’m at Grandma’s, all by my lonesome, and it’s amazing. It’s different to be away from home by myself, even if it is for a night and a day. I might even get to drive myself home from Forestville later today, after my hair appointment.
That brings me to the topic of Senior Ball. Senior dinner dance, senior catillion. Who cares what it’s called anyway. The dumb thing will be interesting, anyway. I’m looking at it through what one might call the “fun glasses”– spectacles that are restraining me from seeing all of the worries I’ve got. This is probably my last dance ever. I don’t know if I’ll get to dance with more than one person, and that upsets me. But no. No worries, not right now. I was in such a good mood twenty seconds ago, until I started dwelling on stupid crap that I didn’t exactly type out, but I dwelled all the same. I have to put those fun specs back on, those multi-colored, glittery faceted glasses. I’m going to have someone play with my hair for two hours, in three. That’s fun. I’m going to look freaking amazing tonight, I can feel it. That’s fun, too.
* To risk being too much of a girl, I’m actually really excited for what I’m going to look like tonight. It’s so extremely shallow, but I rarely feel like a bombshell, so I’m not too distraught. I’m not going to turn into some appearance-crazed wench. But I’ve got this red dress, floor length with no sleeves. A crystalline piece at the center of the bust and matching sparkly earrings and bracelets. My red five-inch heels are half a shade away from my dress’s low, shimmering rose, but no one’s going to look that closely so, to my mind, they match. Muted red nails and (possibly) red lips with simple old-timey Hollywood makeup will accent the Marilyn Monroe/Katherine Heigl waves that my hair will hopefully have. For a last official dance, this is most definitely the look I want to have. The look I will have.
And that’s all that’s important about dressing up, for now, anyway. But it’s going to be classy, and I’m happy for that. What’s most important is that no one can take this evening– this only-happens-once evening– away from me. That applies to every second, while I’m thinking about it. I forget that a lot. That if I don’t make the most of and live through every minute the best that I can, they’ll be gone, and then, so will I.
But I remember it now, and so, here I am. Determined to keep the happy here with me, every minute.
Filed under: My Explanations, Random Thoughts, Ranting, Writing | Tags: appearance, beautiful, body, boys, brunette, capable, cares, confine, creatures, depths, desperation, discovering, dripping, efficient, emotion, essentially, expressive, family, feet, flash, flawed, flawless, form, four, gilded, girl, head, headache, humanity, inner, intimidating, irony, jaded, lies, life, limits, living, look, love, me, mentally, more, nails, now, perfect, physically, secrets, shallow, stereotype, still, story, superficial, superficiality, tall, things, thinking, thought, thoughts, time, tits, unique, vampires, want, Writing, you tell me.
It seems to me that I want too many things.
I was just wishing I was four feet tall, brunette, with big tits and a tiny, compact body. Oh, and don’t forget the expensive, perfect clothing that all comes from brand name stores.
I thought about it some more and decided that it was a silly impulse, but it bears more weight than that. It leaves it’s consequence in my idle musings, because it is that sort of thought that makes me question who I am.
Would more boys like me, if I looked like that?
Would I still be me, in another’s form?
Would I still be as capable, as intimidating and efficient, as expressive?
Or would I be confined to the limits of that (I’m assuming) shallow and superficial girl?
I could be stereotyping, but a girl who cares more about getting her nails done than she does her future, or her family, or her own private and personal ambitions might be considered shallow.
It just produces thinking. Sure, my head hurts now, but it forces me to explore the depths of my own superficiality.
My story holds some of that flashy, appearance-driven appeal. I’ve been working and thinking about that quite a bit lately, so naturally my thoughts now are twining around it.
My story involves some beautiful, unique creatures. Their very existence is jaded and corrupt, though, even if their outward glamor is flawless.
Maybe that’s the irony of it, I’m discovering. Okay, so humanity is flawed physically, mentally, emotionally and essentially. And these creatures only have a type of eating disorder (yes, fine, they suck blood for a living, don’t judge me) and some deep moral decision-making to do. But perhaps that’s the intriguing part of it: with so much going for them, what’s to lose?
That’s right, their souls. They’re assumed to be already lost.
So what’s more valuable? A life of love and value, flawed and mortal and unattractive, but well-lived? Or one without finality, an endless stretch, where the appearance is gilded and gorgeous but the inner sanctums of which are dripping with secrets, lies, and desperation?
You tell me.
Filed under: My Explanations, Random Thoughts, Ranting, Writing | Tags: a lot, about, addict, addiction, all, amusing, angry, apparently, back, because, being, bored, broke, broken, can, compare, comparing, cream, cute, does, done, endless, endlessly, engage, engaging, ever, feel, feeling, felt, frustrated, glad, honest, honestly, however, human, i, inadequacy, just, just a lot, know, life, little, look, looking, me, miserable, muse, normal, not, old, otherwise, pain, pains, pang, peaches, peaches and cream, rank, rankles, reassurance, reassure, reassuring, routine, sad, she, small, something, stab, stabbing, stabby, suck, them, think, time, trouble, until, very, whenever, word, worry
Being angry and frustrated and sad about my own inadequacy is all peaches and cream, until I get bored with the routine. I am honestly very glad that I can feel miserable about it, because otherwise I’d worry that I was broken or something. The little stabby pains that trouble me whenever I think about how much I suck at life are really reassuring sometimes.
However, it gets old.
Yes, I know, I’m not as small or cute or (apparently) amusing as she is. And that rankles, just a lot. But what does it do to muse endlessly on it?
Maybe “engaging” is the word I’m looking for. She’s engaging all of the time. I only am when I feel like it.
But I’m done comparing myself. If I ever need a reassurance I’m human, I can think about them and feel the pang and then go back to normal life… but it’s like an addiction, you feel it once and get a little hooked. “Oooh (shudder), aren’t I pathetic? I’m so pretty and confident and intriguing and no one likes meeee!” is not the slogan I aim to present to the world.
So, fine. A kid I like I’m interested in has another girl in mind who I’m not going to bother openly competing against. I don’t want to make a fool out of myself being all seductive and acting differently because… because he likes someone else? We were getting along pretty well before I knew about her, we’ll get along fine for the rest of the time. No worries, no stress, and only occasionally with a little pinch of remorse at the lost chances.
Filed under: Events, My Day, My Explanations, Random Thoughts | Tags: adjudication, adjudicator, all county, antiphon, audition, auditions, bogoroditze dievo radusia, breath, breaths, call, calling, chat, chatting, chill, cold, college, colleges, could, cross, deep, deep breaths, dickau, dogs, drive, driveway, famine song, fingers, fun, going, guess, ha, he'll make a way, hope, hours, i, if music be the food of love, literally, look, me, mom, money, mother, nerves, nyssma, nysssa, outside, paid, pay, practice, pretty, puke, rachmaninov, room, score, scores, sheets, sing, singing, solo, somewhere, stand, standing, stood, student, student's, them, thought, throw, throw up, tomorrow, vida, voice, vomit, warm, warm up, whatever, wish, wood, woods, xylophone, your
All county auditions are tomorrow. I guess, according to Robin, NYSSSA auditions are, too, because she thought I was doing one.. and I’m not. Ha ha. I wish I was. I wish I could.
But all county will be fun, and colleges won’t care if I don’t get into NYSSSA or whatever, they’re going to look and see my audition scores and NYSSMA adjudication sheets… at least, I hope so.
I am going to go practice the xylophone in my room as soon as I warm up. The dogs decided to chill (quite literally) in the woods somewhere for a few hours and mom and I were out calling for them. Then my student’s mother came and paid me, and we stood chatting in the driveway for a long while. It’s pretty cold outside.
Now I am going to practice, before nerves make me throw up. Hopefully auditions and the play tomorrow go well. Deep breaths, deep breaths, and cross your fingers.
Filed under: Random Thoughts | Tags: appearance, awesome, ball, black, comfort, comfort zone, dancing, dark, dress, excited, game plan, heels, homecoming, katie trank, kick-ass, kickass, look, match, me, nothing, ooh, opportunities, opportunity, pumped, pumps, red, sexy, shoes, stilettos, underwear, unknown, wait, waiting, winter, winter ball
I can’t wait.
I now have a kickass red and black dress to go with my kickass red shoes. I am pumped.
I am pumped for this dance (Winter Ball) and the opportunies for fun it’s providing. After homecoming, everyone (okay, Katie and I) werre like, “Ooh, we want another dance! I want to keep dancing !”
Now we can.
No reservations, is my game plan. It’s dark in there, so everyone’s comfort zones are more level, and I could, essentially, walk up to someone completely unknown and be like “dance with me.”
I might just do that.
Nothing stands in my way.
I am going to be wearing red.
My shoes, dress, underwear–
All are going to match.
And I am going to look kickass.
I can’t wait.
Kick Drum Heart 