Filed under: My Day, Random Thoughts | Tags: at peace, bob marley, brendan, cafeteria, change, christianity, content, crazy, existence, existing, flaws, God, gowanda high school, happy, impulsive, jesus, life, love, lovelikecrazy.wordpress.com, lunch room, music, peace, performance, radical, school, serious, Shane Claiborne, teaching, the irresistible revolution, unconditional love, Writing
Today, one of my favorite people did something impulsive and radical. He spoke of grace and misery and redemption and love, all because of Jesus and Bob Marley. He stood on a chair and told others that no matter what they’d done, no matter how imperfect they are, there’s someone who will love them unconditionally. Someone they can turn to despite their insecurities and their flaws. Someone he turns to because he sees and experiences forms of addiction and abuse in his own life and in the world.
He spoke about Jesus. And he did it in our high school lunch room.
My favorite radical Christian (sorry Shane Claiborne)
This is the kind of radical love and expression that will change the world. If I can convey even a fraction of that through my writing, performances, or future teaching, I will consider myself satisfied with my life.
But for now, I am going to be happy existing. I am going to be happy being happy (for once this year). And if that happiness begins to radiate, I’m not complaining. It’s seriously the first time this school year I have felt seriously and totally content and at peace.
Filed under: My Day | Tags: alone, bitter, black, bob marley, camry, cd, changing, clutter, coffee, competent, cozy, day, daydreaming, driver's license, dunkirk, empty, fair, family, friday, friends, happiness, happy, home, honest, house, license, mark and karen, melodies, moments, nerves, nervous, niches, overwhelming, passions, points, proper, red, respective, road test, steaming liquid, sweatpants, sweet, ten, the avett brothers, thirty, three, thrill, time, tired, today, truthful, warm, weary, worn-in
Finally home: and I guess I didn’t realize it before, but this has to be one of the best feelings in the world. Coming into a house that’s empty of people but filled with coziness and clutter; changing into my most worn-in pair of sweatpants and a thermal; putting up my hair and my feet and blasting the music with a warm cup of black coffee before me. The steaming liquid might be bitter to the taste, but to my weary self it’s oh so sweet.
I’ve checked in with all of my immediate family members: they’re all in their respective, proper niches for this time of day. I’m all alone here, just soaking in the melodies flowing past my ears.
I’m so tired.
I passed my road test today: I officially have my driver’s license. For all of my daydreaming, playing my celebratory Avetts’ CD on the way home and driving around didn’t feel as joyful as I’d expected. The instructor I rode with was extremely competent and not altogether unpleasant. He was a middle-aged, moustached man who was polite and understanding of my overwhelming nerves. I only got ten points on my test: thirty points will fail you. The happiness has only struck at me for a few moments so far. I don’t care if it trickles in slowly or swamps me in a tsunami. I just want to stop being down.
There’s homework, and practicing, and illness. Obligations to my passions, family, friends, and school. I’m exhausted. As Mr. Bett so intriguingly phrased it, I’m running around “like a chicken with it’s head and butt cut off.”
I love to be busy, and when the pressure’s on I normally excel. Failing my road test yesterday was a bitch for me. I’m going to be completely honest: I struggled with humility and hopefulness all day on Thursday and all of that focus on my “feelings” came back to bite me in the ass: I concentrated more on what the instructor thought of me than I did on my driving. Thus, failure.
Luckily I was able to reschedule, and miraculously in Dunkirk there was an opening for today at three. Rush hour Friday traffic ended up being the last concern on my list as I parallel parked, three point turned, and manipulated Mark and Karen’s little red Camry with intensity. I was so damn nervous. The man in the car with me even asked me, as he had me pull over to begin my three point, “I know something’s got to be making you nervous– your heart nearly stopped when I had you pull out back there instead of parking [for my parallel park].”
He was observant, and honest, and kind. He wasn’t a dick. I told him quite truthfully that I had flunked yesterday, and then hurriedly protested that he please shouldn’t count that against me. He told me that he only judged driving based on what he saw, and that I could pass the test today and fail it tomorrow, and that didn’t mean I was a bad driver. He told me that I was doing fine so far, and that although it wasn’t over yet, I was doing just right.
I told him with all sincerity that he was my favorite.
I did pass today, thank God. I am waiting for the thrill to completely set in, but for now I am entirely satisfied listening to Bob Marley serenade me with reggae and sipping my now-lukewarm coffee.
Filed under: My Day, My Explanations, Random Thoughts, Writing | Tags: already, anna netrebko, bag, beginning, beverage, big things, bob marley, brendan, cappuccino, clique, clique-y, cobble, cozy, critical, deep, deep thinking, devil's spawn, docile, don't care, don't know, downstairs, drama camp, eight, eight days, emma, end, excuses, first day, floodwater, friend, girl, God, grab, hard time, head, headache, hopefully, hot beverage, hurt, i don't know what i'm talking about, kids, kim, lay low, life, little sister, love, man, materialism, maybe, meeting, melodic line, michelle, more stress, mrs. ripley, music, my room, old story, opera, Opera Freak, organize, outfit, pound, practice, relaxing, ripley, room, scare, school, shit, sing, sister, sister's friend, story snippets, stress, talk, Tara, techniques, the avett brothers, The Flood, thinks, troposphere, vocal performance, vocal technique, voice, wal-mart, Writing, yeah
I don’t know what I want to write about. I don’t know what I want to do right now. I don’t know what I want to do with my life.
Well crap, talking to Brendan always makes me think about the big things. God and life, love, materialism and all of those… big things. Deep thinking. Like floodwater deep (and that’s pretty deep, kids).
Oh man, does my head hurt. It’s just beginning to start to pound. My sister has a friend over, so it’s not like I can go in my room and sing to music. Or even practice and try to talk myself out of the headache. Nope, I have to be a docile little girl and not scare the shit out of Tara with melodic lines warbling through the troposphere.
I think I might grab some cappuccino (we went to Wal-Mart today) and head downstairs anyway, turn on some Avett Brothers or Anna Netrebko or maybe Bob Marley. I don’t care about what my sister’s friend thinks about me, that’s not why I’m not going to practice. I do care that my vocal techniques might make Tara’s somewhat critical and clique-y attitude whip toward my sister. They already call me the Opera Freak… therefore I won’t make Michelle pull more excuses out of the air about me. I think she already has enough of a hard time, because so many people that know me end up meeting her. She came home from Drama Camp one day and told me I was the Devil’s spawn. Ripley called her Kim. Emma called her Kim. Everyone else called her Kim’s little sister, except for like, Colleen. I think it gets a little old after a while.
So I won’t put any more stress on her. I’ll lay low and put together my bag for school (eight days!). I might cobble together a “first day” outfit. Drink some caffeinated beverage, and organize some old story snippets.
Yeah, that’s what I’ll do. It’ll be a cozy, hopefully relaxing end to the day. Maybe.
Kick Drum Heart 