Filed under: My Day | Tags: alone, bitter, black, bob marley, camry, cd, changing, clutter, coffee, competent, cozy, day, daydreaming, driver's license, dunkirk, empty, fair, family, friday, friends, happiness, happy, home, honest, house, license, mark and karen, melodies, moments, nerves, nervous, niches, overwhelming, passions, points, proper, red, respective, road test, steaming liquid, sweatpants, sweet, ten, the avett brothers, thirty, three, thrill, time, tired, today, truthful, warm, weary, worn-in
Finally home: and I guess I didn’t realize it before, but this has to be one of the best feelings in the world. Coming into a house that’s empty of people but filled with coziness and clutter; changing into my most worn-in pair of sweatpants and a thermal; putting up my hair and my feet and blasting the music with a warm cup of black coffee before me. The steaming liquid might be bitter to the taste, but to my weary self it’s oh so sweet.
I’ve checked in with all of my immediate family members: they’re all in their respective, proper niches for this time of day. I’m all alone here, just soaking in the melodies flowing past my ears.
I’m so tired.
I passed my road test today: I officially have my driver’s license. For all of my daydreaming, playing my celebratory Avetts’ CD on the way home and driving around didn’t feel as joyful as I’d expected. The instructor I rode with was extremely competent and not altogether unpleasant. He was a middle-aged, moustached man who was polite and understanding of my overwhelming nerves. I only got ten points on my test: thirty points will fail you. The happiness has only struck at me for a few moments so far. I don’t care if it trickles in slowly or swamps me in a tsunami. I just want to stop being down.
There’s homework, and practicing, and illness. Obligations to my passions, family, friends, and school. I’m exhausted. As Mr. Bett so intriguingly phrased it, I’m running around “like a chicken with it’s head and butt cut off.”
I love to be busy, and when the pressure’s on I normally excel. Failing my road test yesterday was a bitch for me. I’m going to be completely honest: I struggled with humility and hopefulness all day on Thursday and all of that focus on my “feelings” came back to bite me in the ass: I concentrated more on what the instructor thought of me than I did on my driving. Thus, failure.
Luckily I was able to reschedule, and miraculously in Dunkirk there was an opening for today at three. Rush hour Friday traffic ended up being the last concern on my list as I parallel parked, three point turned, and manipulated Mark and Karen’s little red Camry with intensity. I was so damn nervous. The man in the car with me even asked me, as he had me pull over to begin my three point, “I know something’s got to be making you nervous– your heart nearly stopped when I had you pull out back there instead of parking [for my parallel park].”
He was observant, and honest, and kind. He wasn’t a dick. I told him quite truthfully that I had flunked yesterday, and then hurriedly protested that he please shouldn’t count that against me. He told me that he only judged driving based on what he saw, and that I could pass the test today and fail it tomorrow, and that didn’t mean I was a bad driver. He told me that I was doing fine so far, and that although it wasn’t over yet, I was doing just right.
I told him with all sincerity that he was my favorite.
I did pass today, thank God. I am waiting for the thrill to completely set in, but for now I am entirely satisfied listening to Bob Marley serenade me with reggae and sipping my now-lukewarm coffee.
Filed under: Dreams, My Explanations, Random Thoughts, Ranting | Tags: "Why that's absurd!", 8:00, a lot, absurd, adoration, adore, at least, balance, boys, brendan, cait, caitlin, car, chance, cheap, chemistry, commitment, confused, considerate, contact, conversation, dead of the night, decent, dedication, devotion, don't know, drop, early, eight, enjoy, expect, expectations, eye strain, fall asleep, feel, find, flight, flighty, forceful, friend, fun, God, good night, good times, growl, guess, happy medium, hesistant, hesistating, hesistation, hope, how, i don't know what i'm talking about, inkling, Irresistible Revolution, issue, jack, kate winslet, keep, kiss, leo dicaprio, life, like, live, looking, love, moment, moments, moron, moving, names, no issue, no sinking, one life, people, perfect, perfect balance, person, pillow, please, pleasing, reason, respect, rose, screw, searching, serious, service, settle, settle down, Shane Claiborne, short, sink, six, six hours, sleep, slut, sluts, solemn, soul strain, sounds, stupid, take the chance, text, texting, texting while sleeping, them, think, thinking, thought, time, titanic, too hard, trapped, understand, up, use, vow, waking, what they think, whatever, with me
I don’t know if there’s a better reason for being up this early other than I can’t fall back to sleep, but I didn’t want to take the chance that there was. It sounds stupid, but I don’t want to miss a thing… I’m reading The Irresistible Revolution right now and Brendan was right, it does change you. Already I am searching hard at my life, looking for ways that God can use me. I have the inkling I’m looking a little too closely, but I’d rather try and look too hard than not at all. Although, isn’t God the one who will find service and drop it in my lap? See, I don’t know. So I’m confused and starting to get eye and soul strain, here.
Oh, and I think I was trying to text in my sleep again. Cait wasn’t here last night to check on me, but I woke up and my phone was next to me instead of shoved back way under my pillow, so I was moving around pretty forcefully, at least.
I love sleep. I don’t want to give up sleeping because I act like a moron and can’t stop from growling out names and trying to contact people in the dead of the night. How absurd.
The word “absurd” makes me think of “Titanic,” and Rose. “Why that’s absurd!”
I wish I had a Jack (preferably one that wouldn’t sink). I think he’d be a lot of fun, and he’d think I was fun too so there would be no issue. He wouldn’t be too hesistant or too much of a whore. He would want to talk to me or screw me in a car, depending on the moment. We’d have a lot of good times. He wouldn’t expect commitment or a solemn vow of dedication and devotion– he would adore me in the moment, just as I would him. He would understand that there was only one life to live and enjoy, and he’d want to spend a few short moments of his with me.
That, to me, is the perfect balance in a guy. Not too flighty, so I think I’m cheap, but not that willing to settle down, either. I don’t want to feel trapped. I don’t want to have to spend every waking moment thinking about one person and how they feel and what they think and how best to please them. I want, for once, for someone to want to please me but not want to commit to anything serious. I thought boys liked to be considerate sluts?
I’m not saying I want someone for a fuck-and-run. I don’t want to spend time with a guy I can’t respect or have a decent conversation with. But there should be some kind of happy medium, an easy chemistry that doesn’t require too much input from either of us. I want a friend who likes to kiss me, I guess. Haha.
Whatever, I don’t know what I’m talking about. I’m probably not posting this. At least not until eight o’ clock, anyway. I might go back to sleep. God will find me, I hope. Or else I’ll keep searching, just not when I’m on six hours of sleep on a Sunday morning. Good night.
Filed under: Events, My Day, Random Thoughts | Tags: 10something, accident, admiration, alone, always, backwards, beat, beautiful, beauty, bus, busdriver, by myself, check, checking, christ, christ jesus, creation, creativity, creep, dangerous, death, deathtrap, deepfreeze, doom, douse, doused, drank, drink, drive, driver, driveway, enormous, experience, experienced, fear, fervent, few, fine, freeze, freezing, frigid, glazed, go, God, guard, guard rail, guardrail, heart, heartbeat, ice, icy, immersed, imminent, incision, january, jesus, jesus christ, land, lonely, love, mary, mind, moment, moments, myself, natural, nerve-wracking, nerves, nervous, nothing, peace, physically, plunge, plunged, protect, protective, pulse, racing, racing pulse, rail, sank, scary, scene, sharp, short, sit, skid, skin, slow, snow, snow-glazed, something, still, stillness, stood, ten, ten-something, terrified, terror, think, thinking, thought, thoughts, thump, thumping, tranquil, tranquility, um, vehicle, virgin mary, way, what, wind, winter, within, wonder, wonderland
10something AM 1/28/09 The Bus
I hate winter. I really do. I would gladly substitute snow for five months of sweltering heat.
But today, as I walked down my icy driveway to meet the bus, I was awed by God’s creativity, at his creations.
Beauty surrounded me. I don’t think I have the ability to select the choicest words to describe it.
Snow piled up soundlessly around (and on) me. The locust and spruce trees sat stoically on the front lawn and allowed themselves to be frosted by a delicate sheet of white.
The tranquility and silence after a morning of waiting and loud, beat-laden melodies was a welcome, gently settled blanket of peace.
It isn’t often I am alone. I can feel lonely, or sit by myself, but there is always someone with me physically, or checking up on me, or on my mind.
Christ Jesus and Mary. The bus almost slid into a ravine. There was no guard rail. We’re fine though. The busdriver and I. We’re fine.
Back to the snow-glazed wonderland I just stood within– it was nothing like what I just experienced. No thumping heart, racing pulse, or sharp incision of fear. No fervent thoughts like, “let’s just not go this way” or “um, there is no protective rail there.” No nerve-wracking skid or slow creep backwards in an enormous deathtrap of a vehicle.
For a few short moments this morning, I stood immersed in stillness. I wasn’t doused in frigid wind or plunged into icy deepfreeze. The natural scene placed before me sank into my skin and immersed me in love and admiration for the beauty of it all.
I walked down a driveway, and drank in the peace.
Kick Drum Heart 