Filed under: college, Essays/School, My Day, Random Thoughts | Tags: air, because, blogging, blue, book, book club, books, brendan, bye, college, course, drizzle, english, eyes, fat, frankenstein, garden, gardening, gorgeous, gowanda high school, headache, home, hooome, house, jcc english, lab, mary shelley, melancholy, nickolas, outside, potter, propp, rain, reading, thoughts, throb, walk, weather, yellow
I want to go outside and take a walk. Despite the cooler air and rainy disposition of the weather, it’s still gorgeous and I feel like gardening. The chapter we had to read for Brendan’s book club talked about gardening. And Jarrett Stevens’ yellow Lab.
I miss my yellow Lab. Sweet fat Potter.
Oh well and the drizzle makes me melancholy.
I just finished my Frankennotes and they are sixteen pages long. Well, it’s a college course. She asked for my thoughts, and I gave them to her.
I have a headache. And yes, this is all pointless rambling but I really crave home right now and blogging is as close as I’m going to get until three. Assuming Nickolas can stay after. But my eyes are tired and my head is throbbing and like a little kid, I want to go hooome.
Maybe it’s because it’s sunk in that, next year, it will cease being my place. Granted I will always find a home there, but that blue house will become justahouse and my life will commence elsewhere. I want to absorb the family that we are now and the home we have together for the few short months it will remain as-is. Then I’ll be okay for the change. I hope.
I also hope that my best friend Nick isn’t staying. Then I can leave.
Well, it’s off to turn in Frankenstein. Bye.
Filed under: Dreams, Events, music, My Day, Random Thoughts | Tags: amazing, anyway, classy, crap, dance, dress, earrings, evening, fun, fun glasses, girl, glittery, gowanda high school, gown, grandma, grandma's house, happy, headache, heels, hollywood, important, katherine heigl, lips, look, marilyn monroe, marvelous, mind, minute, multi-colored, nails, red, rose, second, senior ball, senior dinner dance, shallow, shoes, simply, sparkle, sparkly, spectacles, superficial, today, tonight, wench
Here I sit, sipping cold hot chocolate and nibbling leftover homemade popcorn (no butter, no salt, but somehow, still amazing). I still need to finish up (or start) that stupid IDOC thing– yeah, ’cause I know how to do that. (I don’t.) But other than that, and a mild headache, today is marvelous. I’m at Grandma’s, all by my lonesome, and it’s amazing. It’s different to be away from home by myself, even if it is for a night and a day. I might even get to drive myself home from Forestville later today, after my hair appointment.
That brings me to the topic of Senior Ball. Senior dinner dance, senior catillion. Who cares what it’s called anyway. The dumb thing will be interesting, anyway. I’m looking at it through what one might call the “fun glasses”– spectacles that are restraining me from seeing all of the worries I’ve got. This is probably my last dance ever. I don’t know if I’ll get to dance with more than one person, and that upsets me. But no. No worries, not right now. I was in such a good mood twenty seconds ago, until I started dwelling on stupid crap that I didn’t exactly type out, but I dwelled all the same. I have to put those fun specs back on, those multi-colored, glittery faceted glasses. I’m going to have someone play with my hair for two hours, in three. That’s fun. I’m going to look freaking amazing tonight, I can feel it. That’s fun, too.
* To risk being too much of a girl, I’m actually really excited for what I’m going to look like tonight. It’s so extremely shallow, but I rarely feel like a bombshell, so I’m not too distraught. I’m not going to turn into some appearance-crazed wench. But I’ve got this red dress, floor length with no sleeves. A crystalline piece at the center of the bust and matching sparkly earrings and bracelets. My red five-inch heels are half a shade away from my dress’s low, shimmering rose, but no one’s going to look that closely so, to my mind, they match. Muted red nails and (possibly) red lips with simple old-timey Hollywood makeup will accent the Marilyn Monroe/Katherine Heigl waves that my hair will hopefully have. For a last official dance, this is most definitely the look I want to have. The look I will have.
And that’s all that’s important about dressing up, for now, anyway. But it’s going to be classy, and I’m happy for that. What’s most important is that no one can take this evening– this only-happens-once evening– away from me. That applies to every second, while I’m thinking about it. I forget that a lot. That if I don’t make the most of and live through every minute the best that I can, they’ll be gone, and then, so will I.
But I remember it now, and so, here I am. Determined to keep the happy here with me, every minute.
Filed under: My Explanations, Random Thoughts, Ranting, Writing | Tags: appearance, beautiful, body, boys, brunette, capable, cares, confine, creatures, depths, desperation, discovering, dripping, efficient, emotion, essentially, expressive, family, feet, flash, flawed, flawless, form, four, gilded, girl, head, headache, humanity, inner, intimidating, irony, jaded, lies, life, limits, living, look, love, me, mentally, more, nails, now, perfect, physically, secrets, shallow, stereotype, still, story, superficial, superficiality, tall, things, thinking, thought, thoughts, time, tits, unique, vampires, want, Writing, you tell me.
It seems to me that I want too many things.
I was just wishing I was four feet tall, brunette, with big tits and a tiny, compact body. Oh, and don’t forget the expensive, perfect clothing that all comes from brand name stores.
I thought about it some more and decided that it was a silly impulse, but it bears more weight than that. It leaves it’s consequence in my idle musings, because it is that sort of thought that makes me question who I am.
Would more boys like me, if I looked like that?
Would I still be me, in another’s form?
Would I still be as capable, as intimidating and efficient, as expressive?
Or would I be confined to the limits of that (I’m assuming) shallow and superficial girl?
I could be stereotyping, but a girl who cares more about getting her nails done than she does her future, or her family, or her own private and personal ambitions might be considered shallow.
It just produces thinking. Sure, my head hurts now, but it forces me to explore the depths of my own superficiality.
My story holds some of that flashy, appearance-driven appeal. I’ve been working and thinking about that quite a bit lately, so naturally my thoughts now are twining around it.
My story involves some beautiful, unique creatures. Their very existence is jaded and corrupt, though, even if their outward glamor is flawless.
Maybe that’s the irony of it, I’m discovering. Okay, so humanity is flawed physically, mentally, emotionally and essentially. And these creatures only have a type of eating disorder (yes, fine, they suck blood for a living, don’t judge me) and some deep moral decision-making to do. But perhaps that’s the intriguing part of it: with so much going for them, what’s to lose?
That’s right, their souls. They’re assumed to be already lost.
So what’s more valuable? A life of love and value, flawed and mortal and unattractive, but well-lived? Or one without finality, an endless stretch, where the appearance is gilded and gorgeous but the inner sanctums of which are dripping with secrets, lies, and desperation?
You tell me.
Filed under: Writing | Tags: 101, creative writing, headache, the avett brothers
The grass was cool and green and the air smelled like city. The sheer variety of people astounded me. An enormous black man waked up to Katie and I and shook our hands. We talked for a few minutes about how we were pleased to meet each other until he left to go shake someone else’s hand.
A ratty-looking man dripping with hemp necklaces wove through the gathering crowd as well. He passed a group of hippies spinning in circles and my attention was diverted by a massive woman wearing vivid red and orange; her four foot long brown dreadlocks swung out as she twirled.
People-watching became an entertainment for the two hours we waited, eager for the show to start.
It was my first time at Thursday in the Square. It was the Avett Brothers’ first time, too. I don’t think they expected to have such an enormous fan base– honestly, “Thursday in the Square” sounds like a farmer’s market.
There were the usual components of a concert present: spilled beer, empty cups thrown onto the ground. The faint scent of pot drifted over the audience.
After an endless wait, another band performed a long and dull set. KT and I moved up to stand with Marya, Damen and tia about eight feet back from the stage. The Avett Brothers finally, finally came onstage, though, and their music-making began. The crowd went wild.
The Avetts were crazy. Absolutely crazy. Bob and the Asian cello player whose name I don’t know were great, too. The lights glwamed pink and tangerine and the energy pumped off the stage in palpable waves. Watching Seth and Scott Avett play and sing– it was obvious they were pushing every last drop of energy into the crowd and into the music.
Some members of the crowd were blockheads, though. We were close to the stage, and of course there had to be idiots ahead of us. A couple directly before us was only hanging around for the party atmosphere. They didn’t care about the chords floating from the amps. There was a man planted directly in front of me and there was no elbow room to speak of. His girlfriend stood sipping her beverage with a self-righteous hip cocked, daring us to edge forward. They everntually left: Marya and I made friends with the little man behind us and we ever-so-politely mobbed the couple by cheering– loudly– very closely, until they ducked out.
Later two girls made their jello-esque presences known: they blobbed their way in front of Damen and Tia, “looking for their friend.” Yeah, right. That’s why they stayed there for twenty minutes. The five Gowanda fans (myself included) had been standing there waiting for hours to hear the Avetts and now these girls were taking up at least five square feet in front of us. Katie and I stood just to the right of Damen and Tia, so when Tia started dancing and jabbing at the girls with her elbows, we just watched and laughed and hoped it worked. It halfway did: one girl turned and began to yell at Tia; the older gentleman beside Damen called them “real classy” and proceeded to scold them. They waddled off shortly thereafter, but not before the pudgier girl gave Tia a quick shove. It was too crowded and too noisy to respond angrily, so we didn’t. I allowed myself a few seconds of fuming before returning my attention to the concert. The speakers quaked with the hum of Bob’s stand-up bass; sweet strains of the mellow cello tangled elegantly with riotous acoustic guitar and bluegrass-riddled banjo. Occasionally keyboard or drum set would switch in, changing the mood but steadily upping the intensity.
The intensity remained afterward as KT and I grabbed a late bite at Denny’s and enjoyed the energy the Avetts had left us with. It had been an evening of music, and wild vibrancy.
Filed under: My Day, My Explanations, Random Thoughts, Writing | Tags: already, anna netrebko, bag, beginning, beverage, big things, bob marley, brendan, cappuccino, clique, clique-y, cobble, cozy, critical, deep, deep thinking, devil's spawn, docile, don't care, don't know, downstairs, drama camp, eight, eight days, emma, end, excuses, first day, floodwater, friend, girl, God, grab, hard time, head, headache, hopefully, hot beverage, hurt, i don't know what i'm talking about, kids, kim, lay low, life, little sister, love, man, materialism, maybe, meeting, melodic line, michelle, more stress, mrs. ripley, music, my room, old story, opera, Opera Freak, organize, outfit, pound, practice, relaxing, ripley, room, scare, school, shit, sing, sister, sister's friend, story snippets, stress, talk, Tara, techniques, the avett brothers, The Flood, thinks, troposphere, vocal performance, vocal technique, voice, wal-mart, Writing, yeah
I don’t know what I want to write about. I don’t know what I want to do right now. I don’t know what I want to do with my life.
Well crap, talking to Brendan always makes me think about the big things. God and life, love, materialism and all of those… big things. Deep thinking. Like floodwater deep (and that’s pretty deep, kids).
Oh man, does my head hurt. It’s just beginning to start to pound. My sister has a friend over, so it’s not like I can go in my room and sing to music. Or even practice and try to talk myself out of the headache. Nope, I have to be a docile little girl and not scare the shit out of Tara with melodic lines warbling through the troposphere.
I think I might grab some cappuccino (we went to Wal-Mart today) and head downstairs anyway, turn on some Avett Brothers or Anna Netrebko or maybe Bob Marley. I don’t care about what my sister’s friend thinks about me, that’s not why I’m not going to practice. I do care that my vocal techniques might make Tara’s somewhat critical and clique-y attitude whip toward my sister. They already call me the Opera Freak… therefore I won’t make Michelle pull more excuses out of the air about me. I think she already has enough of a hard time, because so many people that know me end up meeting her. She came home from Drama Camp one day and told me I was the Devil’s spawn. Ripley called her Kim. Emma called her Kim. Everyone else called her Kim’s little sister, except for like, Colleen. I think it gets a little old after a while.
So I won’t put any more stress on her. I’ll lay low and put together my bag for school (eight days!). I might cobble together a “first day” outfit. Drink some caffeinated beverage, and organize some old story snippets.
Yeah, that’s what I’ll do. It’ll be a cozy, hopefully relaxing end to the day. Maybe.
Filed under: My Day, My Explanations, Random Thoughts, Ranting | Tags: achy, angry, bad manners, bed, bitching, bug bites, caitlin, cares, checking in, cheering, comment, comments, common courtest, constant, constantly, dickens, different, disgusting, doesn't matter, done, downtime, driven, energized, energy, everywhere, exaggerated, fall through, first, forgotten, frenzy, friend, get back to them, girl, goddammit, going to bed, great, hand, hanging, headache, hopefully, hyper, hyperactive, hyperactivity, i would, i'd tell them, irksome, issues, itching, laid-back, left, like, like the dickens, logging on, lose control, matter, needs, never, no control, no question, not crank y, not like, not necessarily, not used, oh no, page, peeved, per se, pissed, plans, ramble, said, saw, say, shift, sleep, smile, spam, stumble, suggest, think, thought, tired, too warm, translation, usually, views, whirlwind, won't work out, wonder, wordpress, write, yes
My first thought upon logging onto wordpress was, yes! I have spam!
It really doesn’t matter to me about receiving views and comments and whatever. I mean, this is for me to write and ramble on, and if someone happens to stumble across it and like it (or not like it) then great.
But I’d forgotten how cheering it is to know that someone actually saw the page. Someone’s checking in, someone cares. It makes me smile.
On a different hand, I’ve had a constant headache today. I don’t know if it’s the shift in energy– with Caitlin here everything seems more exaggerated, more energized, and I’m not used to that kind of hyperactivity. I’m usually a laid-back kind of girl, unless something needs to get done. Then I’m driven, but not (usually) to the point of frenzy. The house has been a whirlwind of frenzy lately.
So, I’m ready for some downtime. I’ll admit it. I’m just tired and achy and a little pissed. Why pissed? one might wonder.
Well, I guess I’m not really angry, per se. Just a little peeved. But when you suggest making plans with someone and then never get back to them, it’s irksome to the one you don’t get back to. Translation: goddammit, if I said I’d text you back about the plans we were going to have, I fricken would. No question. I don’t leave a friend hanging.
And I guess I was left hanging.
It doesn’t matter, and I’m not cranky because oh no, he might not “like” me. I’m cranky because it’s simple common courtesy to say if the plans won’t work out. And I’m not bitching about bad manners, necessarily, but I’d do it for my friends. I’d tell them when something was going to fall through.
Oh, yeah, and I have bug bites effing everywhere and I’m itching like the dickens. It’s too warm and I feel disgusting and did I mention I have a headache?
I’m going to bed. And hopefully just go right to sleep instead of brooding over issues I have no control over and will only constantly think on if I don’t.
Kick Drum Heart 