Filed under: My Day, Random Thoughts | Tags: appreciate, caution, cousin, daniel, daniel dix, death, drive, fun, learning, life, living, moment, need, occasion, outrageous, premature, red bandana, safe, something, thankful, thanks, the avett brothers, time, try, wind
It’s something to think about, isn’t it, that almost a year later I’m still grateful to Daniel’s memory. Without it, I would never have grasped mortality, would never have developed such a drive, a need to live like I have.
I’m not saying I’ve lived outrageously (re: the Avetts’ “Talk on Indolence”) but I know the difference now. I can play it safe and try to have fun, and, when the occasion calls for it, go nuts. Toss caution to the wind and just appreciate the moment.
It’s when I’m thinking, or going back through old blogs of mine, or looking at the red bandana that goes with me everywhere, that I remember, and am thankful. Thankful that I am here, and living, and learning from what one boy’s premature death has taught me. Thankful that I have time, and have life.
It’s just something to think about.
Filed under: Writing | Tags: bandana, be, buddy, Christmas, colton, daniel dix, Dave, david iii, desk, drifting, dumb, God, heart, hysterical, impact, justifiable, life, live, mother, never, new, propp, red, red bandana, romantic, rubber chicken, silly, stupid, thank you, thanks, think
Thank God for my persistent mother who’s making me leave school now.
Thank God for my good friend David who stayed with me in Propp’s room.
Thank God for my hero K.T. who insists that boys should like me.
Thank God for my new buddy Colton who keeps cracking me up even though I feel so, so stupid.
Thank God for silly rubber chickens for being so hysterical when all I want to do is drop my head down on this desk.
Thanks for keeping my head from drifting off into romanticism. Thanks for the headache that says, get Christmas presents finished. Thanks for the weight in my heart that makes me reevaluate why I want a boy so badly.
It’s so dumb. But it’s so justifiable.
I want to live. I look at a photo with a red bandana, and I think live. I think, be. I think, hold close and tight everything that has value, and never stop searching for more.
So thank God.
Thank God for my cousin Daniel, because if he’d never impacted my life, I’d be living and it wouldn’t even count.
Filed under: Dreams, My Day, Ranting | Tags: another, ash, because, both, buzz, cigarette, cigarettes, cigg, ciggs, clammy, cough, cranky, dad, day, dozens, dream, emotion, emotional, endearingly, equivalent, first, fool, foolish, fools, fully aware, grey, head, health, health problems, heart, hell, hurt, hurts, inhale, irritable, kid, know, last night, life, lighter, lit, little kid, lung, lungs, marlboro, meaningless, michelle, mom, morning, mother, myself, nerves, newport, no, nothing, one, only, parents, pleasant, pro, problems, promise, regardless, remember, scream, screaming, secondhand, secondhand smoke, shit, sister, sleep, smoke, smoked, stain, stained teeth, stay, stress, suckage, sweet, swept away, tag, taste, testimony, thanks, thanks but no thanks, thinking, today, try, undoubtably, unhealthy, via, warmth, welcome, why?, willpower
9:45 AM
You know when you wake up irritable and cranky, and aren’t fully aware why? That happened to me this morning. It took this long to remember why.
I dreamed last night I smoked my first cigarette.
The clammy inhalation of sweet, sweet smoke. The taste on my tongue. Of grey, of ash, tasting of warmth. My nerves welcomed it all as my head screamed NO.
I was only going to try one. In my dream, though, promises to myself and willpower meant nothing. Swept away by the breeze like so much smoke. I smoked the first cigarette, threw it away, then picked up another. Lit it like a pro.
My heart hurts today, thinking about it. Regardless of the fact that I’ve undoubtably inhaled the equivalent of dozens of cigarettes via secondhand, I’d vowed never to take one and smoke it myself. It was hell as a little kid, seeing both parents willingly inhale shit.
Now, my dad’s stained teeth and my mother’s loud, wracking cough are testimony to the suckage that accompanies what some fools endearingly term “ciggs.”
Well, thanks but no thanks. I’ve felt what these things can do to my own lungs. My sister was born premature and an asthmatic because of them. There’s emotional stress and health problems that tag right along with the pleasant buzz, or whatever the hell it is.
Smoking a cigg last night was just a dream. And it will stay that way, for me.
Filed under: Events, My Day, Random Thoughts | Tags: 43 mph zone, 97 mph, alico, avett brothers, backing, beginning, birthday, blowing up, boys, braking, brendan, burger king, car, cart, cattaraugus, celebration, certificate, christ, class, clunk, clunks, concert, cones, confused, content, cool, country, countryside, county, crack, crash, curb, cute, daily, day, dmv, doubt, drive, driven, driver, driver ed, driver ed van, driver education, driver's ed, driving, drove, drunk driving, education, experience, expressway, expressway driving, first, first day, forehead, forest, forever, freak, funny, gas leak, girls, go-karts, gowanda, green, guard rail, hands, high, hijack, hills, hitting, hold on for dear life, humor, interesting, issue, jesse, joyride, karen, katie, keys, killed, last, make-up, mark, mark and karen's, mayday, memories, memory, minnekine, miss, mother, motor vehicle, mph, mud puddle, never, next, no good, parallel parking, parents, park, parking lot, people, pizza, plus, presentation, puddle, push, red garter, red garter in, redneck, reflex, reverse, road, road group, road test, roger, salamanca, sam, sauce, schedule, school, seat, second, secondhand, secondhand crack, senior, senior year, sierra, skateland, smoking, spectacular, star wars, straight, strange, surreal, suv, texting, thanks, three point turn, time, times, tire, tires, traffic, trooper, truck, turn, van, vehicle, victoria, what the hell?, window, wright, zone
After what seems like forever– and still, like no time at all– it’s my last day of driver’s ed in Cattaraugus. Sam will pick me up at quarter after nine, we’ll arrive around ten, take our final exam, then wait around until eleven-thirty for the last road group ever with Mrs. Alico, Jesse, and Victoria.
It’s almost surreal. It hasn’t sunk in yet that I won’t have to get up at five-thirty tomorrow to go to Mark and Karen’s early. It hasn’t been quite realized that next week, I won’t have to go to Cattaraugus and see the rolling green hills and patchy forests pass me by.
It has definitely been an experience I’ll keep with me forever. Despite the hassle and the long drive, I’ve learned a lot– not just about driving– and had some interesting times with people I might never have spoken to otherwise.
Some memories…
~ first day of road group, &the first day of class.
~ “Victoria, you’re going to hit the curb” and she clunks her forehead trying to look out the window.
~ “Sam, are you straight ?!”
~ Almost getting killed by a freak driver who cut in front of us after blazing through two lanes of traffic. Thanks Sam, and her reflexive braking.
~ The first or second day of road group: Victoria saying “I’m no good at turning.” The rest of us: “Oh Christ.”
~ The Red Garter Inn and it’s spectacular view. Plans being made for a birthday/senior year celebration there for Sam, KT and I.
~ Going to Gowanda in the Driver Ed van.
~ My mother almost smoking and blowing the school up. No one told her there was a freaking gas leak in the parking lot where she was waiting for us.
~ Victoria saying, “I’m no good at backing,” and almost crashing us into a guard rail.
~ “Mayday, mayday; Mrs. Alico is not present. Do you read me, Roger? …what say we hijack the keys and take a joyride?”
Jesse: “What crack have you been smoking?”
Me: “I went to the Avett Brothers concert last night. It might be secondhand crack. Mayday, here she comes, mayday!”
~ No one hitting the cones! Not even Victoria!
~ Drunk driving while texting… in go-karts.
~ “My friend thinks the boys here are cute.” “Thanks, Sam.”
~ Redneck washing his hands in a mud puddle! the girls in class knew exactly who we were talking about, too.
~ Gripping the seat for dear life every time Victoria turned, backed, or parallel parked.
~ Going to Burger King, talking about being high and Star Wars cups and what kind of sauce to dip in.
~ Being very confused about make-ups, “I don’t think she knows what she’s talking about.”
~ Having Victoria actually be good at expressway driving… what the hell?
~ Jesse’s wry sense of humor.
~ Planning a pizza escape.
~ Actually talking to the kids from Cattaraugus, haha.
~ The ride to and from Gowanda with Mr. Wright, Sierra and Brendan. Verrrry funny.
~ Presentation day (yesterday): discovering Mr. Wright got his only ticket because he was traveling 97 mph in a 43 mph zone… Having our presentation be funny when I started talking (extremely strange)… Our delicious drawing of a tire.
~ Driving all over the countryside.
~ Talking to a cool trooper.
~ Never crashing the car.
I’m not going to miss it, but I will miss parts of it. The daily driving was a huge plus that I really would like to be able to keep doing, but I doubt it will happen. My road test is scheduled and my driver’s ed certificate should come in around the beginning of school to take money off of the insurance if I ever get a vehicle. But for now I’ll just be content driving whenever I’m allowed to, I guess, although I will push the issue. I’m busy enough without my parents having to cart me everywhere.
But it’s time to start getting ready. Only an hour and fifteen minutes before my last day of driver’s ed.
Kick Drum Heart 