Filed under: Dreams, My Day, My Explanations, Random Thoughts, Writing | Tags: 2:08, basketball, blog, bus, done, fantastic, go, ha, home, house, laze, leg, lines, mrs. propp, nothing, Olympia, play, purple, realize, rehearsal, salad, seat, shoelaces, shot, sit, tonight, twelve, two oh eight, yearbook, yellow
So, I got on the bus today. Right at two oh eight. And upon sitting down in a seat, I realized that there was absolutely nothing I could get done at home. I’d be lazing around the house for four hours, accomplishing nothing. And eating.
So, I stood back up and walked off the bus. And back into school.
So, here I am, seated at Mrs. Propp’s computer, blogging and yearbooking and thinking about food.
I really want an Olympia salad. That would be fantastic.
Anyway. There’s a basketball game tonight, at home. I really want to go, but I have play rehearsal.
Come on, it’s not like I do anything at play, anyway. Until I know all of my (twelve) lines, there’s not really much I can do but observe where I move. And how to jump when my leg gets shot. Ha.
I’d need blue clothes, anyway. Maybe my mother will come to the game and bring me some. And some of Olympia’s salad.
On another note, I got a hug today. I passed this kid that I think I like walking in the hallway during twelfth. He said, “Hey, you,” and I honestly almost turned around to see who he was talking to. But it was me, ha ha. So I gave him a hug and he mumbled at me politely and then we went our separate ways.
I think I make him nervous. I know I make him awkward.
Whatever, though. I’d like a guy I can talk to about anything, who argues with me, and who knows when and what I’m feeling. I’d like a guy who doesn’t expect me to be experienced in everything sexual. I’d like a guy who can text me and have more to talk to me about than sex.
But for now, well. I guess I’ll settle with the one I have in mind now. The one with silly shoelaces and flippy hair who I never see to talk to. The one everyone says is so sweet. The one that doesn’t make any sense for me to be crushing on.
Yep, I think I’ll stick with him, regardless of the senselessness. As Katie is fond of quoting, “It’s not the years in your life, but the life in your years.” And my years have been pathetically lacking in life lately.
Filed under: Events, My Day, Random Thoughts | Tags: 43 mph zone, 97 mph, alico, avett brothers, backing, beginning, birthday, blowing up, boys, braking, brendan, burger king, car, cart, cattaraugus, celebration, certificate, christ, class, clunk, clunks, concert, cones, confused, content, cool, country, countryside, county, crack, crash, curb, cute, daily, day, dmv, doubt, drive, driven, driver, driver ed, driver ed van, driver education, driver's ed, driving, drove, drunk driving, education, experience, expressway, expressway driving, first, first day, forehead, forest, forever, freak, funny, gas leak, girls, go-karts, gowanda, green, guard rail, hands, high, hijack, hills, hitting, hold on for dear life, humor, interesting, issue, jesse, joyride, karen, katie, keys, killed, last, make-up, mark, mark and karen's, mayday, memories, memory, minnekine, miss, mother, motor vehicle, mph, mud puddle, never, next, no good, parallel parking, parents, park, parking lot, people, pizza, plus, presentation, puddle, push, red garter, red garter in, redneck, reflex, reverse, road, road group, road test, roger, salamanca, sam, sauce, schedule, school, seat, second, secondhand, secondhand crack, senior, senior year, sierra, skateland, smoking, spectacular, star wars, straight, strange, surreal, suv, texting, thanks, three point turn, time, times, tire, tires, traffic, trooper, truck, turn, van, vehicle, victoria, what the hell?, window, wright, zone
After what seems like forever– and still, like no time at all– it’s my last day of driver’s ed in Cattaraugus. Sam will pick me up at quarter after nine, we’ll arrive around ten, take our final exam, then wait around until eleven-thirty for the last road group ever with Mrs. Alico, Jesse, and Victoria.
It’s almost surreal. It hasn’t sunk in yet that I won’t have to get up at five-thirty tomorrow to go to Mark and Karen’s early. It hasn’t been quite realized that next week, I won’t have to go to Cattaraugus and see the rolling green hills and patchy forests pass me by.
It has definitely been an experience I’ll keep with me forever. Despite the hassle and the long drive, I’ve learned a lot– not just about driving– and had some interesting times with people I might never have spoken to otherwise.
Some memories…
~ first day of road group, &the first day of class.
~ “Victoria, you’re going to hit the curb” and she clunks her forehead trying to look out the window.
~ “Sam, are you straight ?!”
~ Almost getting killed by a freak driver who cut in front of us after blazing through two lanes of traffic. Thanks Sam, and her reflexive braking.
~ The first or second day of road group: Victoria saying “I’m no good at turning.” The rest of us: “Oh Christ.”
~ The Red Garter Inn and it’s spectacular view. Plans being made for a birthday/senior year celebration there for Sam, KT and I.
~ Going to Gowanda in the Driver Ed van.
~ My mother almost smoking and blowing the school up. No one told her there was a freaking gas leak in the parking lot where she was waiting for us.
~ Victoria saying, “I’m no good at backing,” and almost crashing us into a guard rail.
~ “Mayday, mayday; Mrs. Alico is not present. Do you read me, Roger? …what say we hijack the keys and take a joyride?”
Jesse: “What crack have you been smoking?”
Me: “I went to the Avett Brothers concert last night. It might be secondhand crack. Mayday, here she comes, mayday!”
~ No one hitting the cones! Not even Victoria!
~ Drunk driving while texting… in go-karts.
~ “My friend thinks the boys here are cute.” “Thanks, Sam.”
~ Redneck washing his hands in a mud puddle! the girls in class knew exactly who we were talking about, too.
~ Gripping the seat for dear life every time Victoria turned, backed, or parallel parked.
~ Going to Burger King, talking about being high and Star Wars cups and what kind of sauce to dip in.
~ Being very confused about make-ups, “I don’t think she knows what she’s talking about.”
~ Having Victoria actually be good at expressway driving… what the hell?
~ Jesse’s wry sense of humor.
~ Planning a pizza escape.
~ Actually talking to the kids from Cattaraugus, haha.
~ The ride to and from Gowanda with Mr. Wright, Sierra and Brendan. Verrrry funny.
~ Presentation day (yesterday): discovering Mr. Wright got his only ticket because he was traveling 97 mph in a 43 mph zone… Having our presentation be funny when I started talking (extremely strange)… Our delicious drawing of a tire.
~ Driving all over the countryside.
~ Talking to a cool trooper.
~ Never crashing the car.
I’m not going to miss it, but I will miss parts of it. The daily driving was a huge plus that I really would like to be able to keep doing, but I doubt it will happen. My road test is scheduled and my driver’s ed certificate should come in around the beginning of school to take money off of the insurance if I ever get a vehicle. But for now I’ll just be content driving whenever I’m allowed to, I guess, although I will push the issue. I’m busy enough without my parents having to cart me everywhere.
But it’s time to start getting ready. Only an hour and fifteen minutes before my last day of driver’s ed.
Filed under: Events, My Day, Ranting | Tags: 100, admit, admitting, am, any, anyone, anyone else, anything, audition, auditions, awkward, balls, before, befuddled, believe, bogoroditze dievo radusia, bony, boy, break, breaking, broken, butt, can't, cannot, carefree, chair, chance, cheerful, cheery, chill, chilled, come on, confident, conversation, crush, crushed, crushes, crushing, decent, department, deserve, dickau, different, dirty, else, example, famine song, fat, fogrot, forget, forget it, forgot, friend, friendship, fun, go, grip, guy, happiness, happy, he, he'll make a way, heather, him, honest, honestly, hypothetical, hypothetically, imagine, just, kim, know, lack, lap, laugh, leg, legs, let's pretend, little, long, lots, make, me, mind, mr. fleischman, much, my, myself, naive, naturally, nice, no pressure, not, not confident, novice, obligation, obligations, oh, overthinking, pressure, pretend, rachmaninov, Ranting, raving, real, relationship, relationships, remark, remarks, right, sang, saw, scared, seat, secret, see, seeing, sing, singing, something, song, spoil, spoiled, success, sullied, talk, talking, them, there, thin, think, thinking, thinks, thought, too, too long, ugh, uncomfortable, unusual, voice, want, wanted, while, why?, wish, wished, with, without, worried, worries, worry, xylophone
Today was a success. Xylophone audition did not go as well as I wanted it to, but I got a 100 on my singing, and Heather and Mr. Fleischman were there, and it was nice seeing them.
Oh, uhg. Forget it, this is not what is honestly on my mind right now.
I want to know why I can’t be happy around a guy? I can spend time with him, and laugh, and that’s cheerful. But when it comes to doing something that’s not just talking, I get awkward, worried. I’m nervous. I’m not confident. I am scared.
And I think to myself, come on now, honestly. It’s not like you’ve never done anything before, and it’s not like you’re doing the dirty with him right now, you just chilled out with him for a while. No pressure.
But, take this as an example. Hypothetically, let’s pretend I go to sit on his lap. For lack of a chair, naturally. And let’s pretend that when I sat on his lap I worried about breaking his leg… is my butt too bony? Can he tell how much fat I have on my legs?
And then he (hypotheticall) remarks, “It seems like you’re uncomfortable, though…”
Get a grip, Kim. Or get a seat. A decent one.
I deserve a little happiness and carefree fun with a boy. I normally feel unusual admitting that I should get something, it is my right to have it.
But I do deserve to have a little fun. Without worrying about obligations or what he or anyone else thinks of me. I’ve had enough trouble in the guy department for too long to believe anything different. My only real relationship was spoiled and sullied. Any crushing I do is done in secret because I don’t want to ruin friendships or make conversation awkward.
But if I have a chance to make something of a friendship turned attraction, than shouldn’t I take it? I’m always ranting and raving about taking the initiative… where are my balls?
I don’t have any, but hypothetically let’s pretend I really should grow some and take that chance.
It might be completely worthless and I might be bullshitting myself into thinking that something could come of this. But free, unrestricted fun would be so welcome, so warranted. I’m busy and stressed and a strong and confident person. I’m not the sort most guys are attracted to. Come on, I might be blonde, but I’m not a stick and aside from being a good laugher, a good listener, and an okay joke-maker I have nothing appealing going for me. I have an ex-boyfriend that everyone knows about and disliked, and I made a fool (publicly) out of myself for him for the majority of last year. I’m not a slut but I can be kind of a smartass sometimes, which puts me at the bottom of any list of interesting prospects, naturally. I don’t do drugs or party (yet, I guess), so my reputation on that front is clean. To boys, I’d be boring. Maybe a little bit pretty, because my hair’s kind of cool, but generally uninteresting and unintriguing.
Therefore, if I have an opportunity to change that… shouldn’t I?
I don’t want him to take up a huge part of my life, because my life revolves around my family, friends, and school. And success. I’m ambitious. But I’m worried that if I take a step out onto this particular limb, I’ll fall straight off the tree, and fall hard. I don’t want to be falling for anyone. It’s a crush, an interest, and that’s all it is. Nothing serious, but it’s got possibility. What if I make it serious, though? It’s so habitual to just gravitate toward the intense, serious, straight-faced attitude.
Why? Have I been brainwashed into thinking that serious is good? I want a lighthearted relationship that feels nothing like a relationship! A friendship, with benefits.
But then again, do I really? Didn’t I like the bonding, the adoration?
Ehh. I could live without it right now. It’s too reminiscient of last year’s catastrophes. A carefree series of rendezvous would be just fine with me.
The end.
Kick Drum Heart 