Picking at daisy petals
27 December 2008, 7:12 pm
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xylophoneI’ve been itchy and restless all day. I want to be doing something. I cleaned my room, and some of the barn, and I went roller skating on slick wet blacktop and ended up doing a split to keep from falling on my ass.
I still don’t feel productive, though. I’ve been singing throughout the day, on and off; I played a little xylophone earlier but then I couldn’t stand it because my room was simply too messy and needed to be fixed.
I need to do something! I can’t sit home and impatiently wait for exciting things to find me! But I was surprised, in lieu of my new resolution, that I’ve found myself scared– just at the thought of making things happen on my own, instead of idly picking at them. It’s so… so… not normal for me to think about blatantly telling someone how I feel, or hinting at it, or suggesting something to do. I know I can be persistent and outgoing, but I don’t know if I can take that step to be a motivating force in a situation. I guess I’m just used to having others be that force, unless it’s something basic and no one else is stepping up to direct it (i.e. group projects or what have you). This is different, though. This is my life, or at least my life as it is right now. I keep debating with myself: do I want to take this first step? Because for me, the first step is finding out if the kid on my mind is worth spending my time thinking about. But to have public rejection as the failed outcome? Hmm. Is it worth it is it worth it, is it is it is it? It’s like a mantra on repeat winding through my brain.
I hope it’s worth it, because I don’t know that I can do anything else now but find out. Even if my persistence, force, and willpower are being held captive by fear, curiosity is strutting free and confident.
Stress, stress, stress
17 December 2008, 10:56 pm
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Ranting | Tags:
balance,
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zealotWant to see my to-do list? It’s longer than Santa’s right now. I’m working on completing National Honor Society forms as waell as trying to finish up presents, while balancing yearbook and singing and band and percussion ensemble and jazz and play and class officer stuff. (I am now officially the Unofficial Secretary of the Treasury, by the by.)
God, and that doesn’t even cover the God-related stuff I should be doing… such as practicing my basic piano for my Sunday Sschool Finale/sendoff on the twenty-eighth.
It makes my heart hurt to think of it. My last day of teaching Sunday school. I must really be tired, I think I might cry.
I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that the God aspect of it is important to me. God is important to me. So is faith. With the Christmas– not “holiday– with the Christmas season very, very near it seems important to be up front about that. No, I’m never going to force my religion on you .I am not, as Taylor is fond of accusing, a “zealot.” I’m honestly not even very sure about my own faith, except that I do believe in God– the God– and if I didn’t, I’d be a little less steady than I already am. Aything that gives me a foundation and a balance is a positive factor in my life.
The problem with Sunday School was, I didn’t have enough time to devote to teaching, the kids are all reaching the age where they dislike attending, and I don’t think I know enough, personally, to do a good enough job. I can’t do as good a job as they deserve.
And also, I don’t like to deal with the drama. Old ladies are a bore. I’m sick of it.
But I wonder if I should make one last-gasp attempt to get all of my kids back. Whenever I think “Sunday school” I think of either a metal chair being whipped across the single room, and shouting, or I think of the gilded days filled with sunshine where I’d walk into the church and within six minutes I would have ten kids there and ready to learn. Those were the best days, and I miss them. Maybe I wasn’t nearly as mature then, but they were there, and sometimes they stayed for church. When I had hope that some of my lessons were reaching them, it felt good… would you ever believe that at one point in past summers I daydreamed of entering the ministry?
But now, I can teach them more effectively about breathing techniques and drumming rhythms than I can about the Lord. So, there you have it. I give up.
And I feel like shit about it.
Kick Drum Heart 