Kick Drum Heart

Want to see my to-do list? It’s longer than Santa’s right now. I’m working on completing National Honor Society forms as waell as trying to finish up presents, while balancing yearbook and singing and band and percussion ensemble and jazz and play and class officer stuff. (I am now officially the Unofficial Secretary of the Treasury, by the by.)

God, and that doesn’t even cover the God-related stuff I should be doing… such as practicing my basic piano for my Sunday Sschool Finale/sendoff on the twenty-eighth.

It makes my heart hurt to think of it. My last day of teaching Sunday school. I must really be tired, I think I might cry.

I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that the God aspect of it is important to me. God is important to me. So is faith. With the Christmas– not “holiday– with the Christmas season very, very near it seems important to be up front about that. No, I’m never going to force my religion on you .I am not, as Taylor is fond of accusing, a “zealot.” I’m honestly not even very sure about my own faith, except that I do believe in God– the God– and if I didn’t, I’d be a little less steady than I already am. Aything that gives me a foundation and a balance is a positive factor in my life.

The problem with Sunday School was, I didn’t have enough time to devote to teaching, the kids are all reaching the age where they dislike attending, and I don’t think I know enough, personally, to do a good enough job. I can’t do as good a job as they deserve.

And also, I don’t like to deal with the drama. Old ladies are a bore. I’m sick of it.

But I wonder if I should make one last-gasp attempt to get all of my kids back. Whenever I think “Sunday school” I think of either a metal chair being whipped across the single room, and shouting, or I think of the gilded days filled with sunshine where I’d walk into the church and within six minutes I would have ten kids there and ready to learn. Those were the best days, and I miss them. Maybe I wasn’t nearly as mature then, but they were there, and sometimes they stayed for church. When I had hope that some of my lessons were reaching them, it felt good… would you ever believe that at one point in past summers I daydreamed of entering the ministry?

But now, I can teach them more effectively about breathing techniques and drumming rhythms than I can about the Lord. So, there  you have it. I give up.

And I feel like shit about it.