Filed under: Random Thoughts, Ranting | Tags: about me, annoying, blame, can't stand it, care, changed, close, could i, critical, criticism, defend, defend myself, do, don't care, fault, feel, give up, humble, my fault, once, opinionated, people, piss off, rant, Ranting, sight, sound, think, what if?
Sometimes, you know (or think you know) someone to the point where, no matter what they say, you will instantly think they hate your guts.
I experience this daily, and I strongly feel that
Sorry. False start. Revving up again, here.
I can’t stand it. When it feels like someone who has been so close to you once, is revolted at the sight or sound of you.
I’ll admit, I’m a pretty opinionated person. I don’t hide behind false little thoughts that keep me safe and protected from scathing criticism. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t care about being criticized (the whole point of this post is that I freaking do). But the focus of my life is certainly not on whether or not my views are regarded with pleasant feelings.
This isn’t about me, anyway. To take a risk of being annoyingly humble, I’ll repeat: this is so not about how I feel and what I do, or even how I am received.
This is about other people. And how is it that I can piss so many people off or have them think I’m ignorant or too worldly or stupid or outspoken or even too talented? How is that my fault? What am I supposed to do about it? Should I not care? Should I retaliate to show I have a backbone? Does it even matter in the grand scheme of things?
I don’t know. And I’m not going to give anything up because my life clashes with the workings of another. Or two or three. But it hurts to see how they hurt. What if I caused it, those many months ago? Or what if it was that, I wasn’t there for them, to support them when I should have? Could I have done anything, said anything, to fix it? Can I get back the relationship, the friendship, we once had?
I’m not sure. And I’m not sure if I want it the way it was. But as of right now, I do.
And maybe that’s why life is so fickle and fraught with confusion and doubt and pain. People change their minds.
I just hate the thought of minds being changed about me when I can’t defend myself.
Filed under: My Day, Random Thoughts, Ranting | Tags: accomplish, asylum, back to school, beginning, big nurse, birthday, blur, boobs, by, caitlin, catch, counterproductive, difference, direction, doing, don't, done, downside, downstairs, dream, dumb, excited, flew, fog, forty, friend, give up, giving up, gowanda high school, green, guess, happen, hospital, hours, in between, jennifer grogan, john grogan, last night, life, life flew by, lists, live, love, marley & me, marley and me, medical, mess, mistake, mistakes, morning, my room, need, next thing you know, not going to happen, notion, november, november 9, occurred, one flew over the cuckoo's nest, only, only one, papers, productive, reading cards, ready, school, september, sifting, smidgeon, start, talked, the dream, the end, time, today, twenty, two, two hours, unproductive, vanished, want, wanting, waste, what if?, what the hell?, what-ifs, woke up
I woke up this morning wanting to make lists, wanting to start school, and wanting to get things done. It then occurred to me that I will be completely counterproductive if I have all these grand plans to make things happen but no notion or direction toward how to actually accomplish them.
So today I guess I’ll be sifting through the papers downstairs. I am going to try and finish my reading cards– although I’m not sure how happy I’ll be re-submerging myself in the hazy medical green fog of lobotomies and Big-boobed Nurse. I might try making lists: what I need for school, what I have for school, what I need to do in order to be ready for school, what I should be doing so I don’t suck when I go back to school.
I’m a smidgeon excited.
Here’s the downside, the only one that I can see.
I had a dream last night that life flew by.
I woke up and discovered what the hell, that’s not a dream, really.
In my dream, I texted Caitlin in September, and the next thing I knew, it was her birthday in November. And I hadn’t talked to her in all the time in between. Dumb.
Not going to happen, either.
It reminded me of “Marley & Me.” The dream did: where at the beginning John and Jenny are twenty-ish and by the end they’re in their forties. All that time vanished in the span of two hours. Not even.
What if that happens to me? Life rocketing by so fast that all I catch of it is a blur? What if I waste it? What if I mess it up? What if I can’t fix my mistakes, or leave a friend when they need me, or end up giving up something I love without knowing it?
What if I don’t live life, and never even know the difference?
Kick Drum Heart 