Filed under: Writing | Tags: assistance, bovet, bovet primary school, broken, caitlin, dead, death, determination, do something, dr. bob, education, family, friends, God, gowanda high school, grieving, help, impulse, impulsive, kaffir boy, killed, love, mark mathabane, miriam's song, more, read, read in, reading, ready, south africa, spontaneous
I cannot stand it.
I am having an “I just can’t stand it anymore!” moment.
I can’t stand being here while the TV blares sports and my house is solid and warm and I am clean and educated while tiny children who are malnourished and diseased with no family or guidance are dying somewhere with no one to teach them or love them.
I can’t stand that I can’t tell anyone my Read In plan because I’m scared it’s a bad idea.
I can’t stand that after a week and a half of sunning myself in God’s love, I can feel it’s glow start to fade. It’s because I’m not doing anything.
I know, cerebrally, that duh, he’s still there, and still cares. Still loves me, and everyone else. But I can’t feel it, and I can’t stand that.
I also can’t stand that, in addition to malnourished kids, my love-starved cousin is living like a typical American teenager (aka wildly) because she’s under the mistaken impression that everyone understands. That she should live, and not care, because everyone’s chill with it.
I’m not chill with it.
I can’t stand that she does reckless things without a thought for anyone else. Selfishly, I can’t stand that she would put herself in situations where she could die and I’d never see her again. She could destroy her own future. Her own brothers already did a really excellent job of that for themselves. What the hell. What great examples. And her poor mother. And grandma. And Michelle, who looks up to her. Where would they be? Broken, grieving.
Personally, I know it would shatter me to know that if I got myself killed doing something stupid, my family and friends would be hurt because of it. I wouldn’t want to cause them pain, so I wouldn’t do anything dumb. I have trouble even thinking about doing impulsive things: that’s why I’m no fun. I don’t want to jeopardize my future or nudge my family’s expectations for me into a rampant tumble.
Then again, we’re very different people, my cousin and I. She actually lives. I sit at home or work at school and think or write about living. My mind clouds dreamily with that faraway prospect of one day having fun, one day doing something exciting and worthwhile.
That’s why I’m always scared. That’s why I don’t do anything spur-of-the-moment.
That may be why my actions on behalf of the Read In plan are so hesitant, because I’m not used to things– namely, my ideas– being so spontaneously ready to go. It feels like there should be more to it, but inwardly I know there’s not. It’s all there, and ready to be presented to someone (Dr. Bob, possibly/probably) who can give me the proper permission and authority to drive it to completion and fruition.
I just hope that this fear will burn off as determination blazes in. It is not right for me to sit here, with assistance easily a fingertip’s reach away, and not do anything.
I can’t stand that I’m so weak and pathetic. I can’t stand that I’m not taking action.
I can’t stand that I’m letting my own personal faults and fears keep me from giving something to this broken, bruised little world.
Filed under: Writing | Tags: Aaron, afterparty, applications, auditions, band, Bobby, Caitie, caitlin, Cayleigh, chelsea, college, Colyn, dance, Dave, delete, difference, dipstick, doubtful, emily, gowanda, Grubbs, Harley, homecoming, hopefully, house, jam, Jill, Jimmy, katie, last, nagging, party, peace, prepared, sam, Samuelson, sarah, satisfied, schedule, school, Tara, taylor, voila, yippie skippie
My jam was on during homecoming, and after. I can barely remember it all; the evening flew by in a hazy blur of neon and glowsticks and thumping heavy bass.
The afterparty at my house was fun, albeit extremely dirty, conversation-wise, and a little tense. Everyone was so hyped up.
For all it was an unusual crew, the chemistry really caught, though. There are instances in a social situation where the atmosphere sometimes lags or starts charging with unpleasantry or awkwardness. That didn’t happen. I halfway expected it to, but I guess the friends who came were just so mentally flexible and comfortable that it didn’t have to. Bobby, Colyn, Grubbs, and Dave don’t always hang out with me; Chelsea and Tara and Sam are used to Post, Trank, and Taylor and vice versa; Jimmy, Jill, Aaron, Sarah, Cayleigh and Samuelson are all underclassmen. Harley doesn’t even go to Gowanda. Still, I was prepared to ask everyone to play nice. But aside from eating the entirety of the ninety dollars worth of food and forgetting to put the toilet seat back down, it was a blast and ran really smoothly.
For a last homecoming, I was satisfied. And it really enlightened me, that I soooo need to relax. It was fun to have the time to hang out with friends. Being busy every waking second haunts me. I can’t do it. I think of Caitlin, who was confused when I told her about everything I’ve been up to– she sits at home all the time. She’s used to peace, and doing what she wants. Okay, I know I could never just do nothing, but she honestly didn’t understand when I referred to being so busy. That shocked me.
It’s also nagging at me that Emily has so much free time. I’m not jealous or cranky about her: I’m peeved that this seems so much like a “sign.” She gave up something, and now she doesn’t miss it. She can relax or do something equally productive; that time got filled up and well-used. Seeing her cute little laptop was very like a cosmic sign (if I believed in them), just like Caitlin’s confusion.
So. When Heather ordered me last week to delete something from my schedule, I elbowed past my original doubtful thoughts and made my choice. Damn it, signs.
And see ya around, creative writing. If I have to go talk to Dr. Bob in person to get this solidified, I will. I’m fully prepared to give him the same spiel I gave Mr. Shannon: I’m too effing busy. Something’s gotta give, and I’ll be damned if it’s the musical or my college auditions and applications. So sorry, Ms. Giancola. I’m out.
I know I can write. I enjoyed the classwork, the brain poking. It kept my mind running. But this year I’m truthfully so busy that it pokes at itself all the time on its own. Story ideas can come when I get some free time. And it’s true, I’d love to write a novel. But that doesn’t change the fact that writing is my backup plan and singing will be my career.
So there you have it: in all likelihood I will have freed up forty minutes every other day to do what I need or want. Voila, yippie skippie. Hopefully it will make a difference, but if it doesn’t… band is next on my list. XD
Filed under: Dreams, My Explanations, Random Thoughts, Ranting | Tags: "Why that's absurd!", 8:00, a lot, absurd, adoration, adore, at least, balance, boys, brendan, cait, caitlin, car, chance, cheap, chemistry, commitment, confused, considerate, contact, conversation, dead of the night, decent, dedication, devotion, don't know, drop, early, eight, enjoy, expect, expectations, eye strain, fall asleep, feel, find, flight, flighty, forceful, friend, fun, God, good night, good times, growl, guess, happy medium, hesistant, hesistating, hesistation, hope, how, i don't know what i'm talking about, inkling, Irresistible Revolution, issue, jack, kate winslet, keep, kiss, leo dicaprio, life, like, live, looking, love, moment, moments, moron, moving, names, no issue, no sinking, one life, people, perfect, perfect balance, person, pillow, please, pleasing, reason, respect, rose, screw, searching, serious, service, settle, settle down, Shane Claiborne, short, sink, six, six hours, sleep, slut, sluts, solemn, soul strain, sounds, stupid, take the chance, text, texting, texting while sleeping, them, think, thinking, thought, time, titanic, too hard, trapped, understand, up, use, vow, waking, what they think, whatever, with me
I don’t know if there’s a better reason for being up this early other than I can’t fall back to sleep, but I didn’t want to take the chance that there was. It sounds stupid, but I don’t want to miss a thing… I’m reading The Irresistible Revolution right now and Brendan was right, it does change you. Already I am searching hard at my life, looking for ways that God can use me. I have the inkling I’m looking a little too closely, but I’d rather try and look too hard than not at all. Although, isn’t God the one who will find service and drop it in my lap? See, I don’t know. So I’m confused and starting to get eye and soul strain, here.
Oh, and I think I was trying to text in my sleep again. Cait wasn’t here last night to check on me, but I woke up and my phone was next to me instead of shoved back way under my pillow, so I was moving around pretty forcefully, at least.
I love sleep. I don’t want to give up sleeping because I act like a moron and can’t stop from growling out names and trying to contact people in the dead of the night. How absurd.
The word “absurd” makes me think of “Titanic,” and Rose. “Why that’s absurd!”
I wish I had a Jack (preferably one that wouldn’t sink). I think he’d be a lot of fun, and he’d think I was fun too so there would be no issue. He wouldn’t be too hesistant or too much of a whore. He would want to talk to me or screw me in a car, depending on the moment. We’d have a lot of good times. He wouldn’t expect commitment or a solemn vow of dedication and devotion– he would adore me in the moment, just as I would him. He would understand that there was only one life to live and enjoy, and he’d want to spend a few short moments of his with me.
That, to me, is the perfect balance in a guy. Not too flighty, so I think I’m cheap, but not that willing to settle down, either. I don’t want to feel trapped. I don’t want to have to spend every waking moment thinking about one person and how they feel and what they think and how best to please them. I want, for once, for someone to want to please me but not want to commit to anything serious. I thought boys liked to be considerate sluts?
I’m not saying I want someone for a fuck-and-run. I don’t want to spend time with a guy I can’t respect or have a decent conversation with. But there should be some kind of happy medium, an easy chemistry that doesn’t require too much input from either of us. I want a friend who likes to kiss me, I guess. Haha.
Whatever, I don’t know what I’m talking about. I’m probably not posting this. At least not until eight o’ clock, anyway. I might go back to sleep. God will find me, I hope. Or else I’ll keep searching, just not when I’m on six hours of sleep on a Sunday morning. Good night.
Filed under: My Day, My Explanations, Random Thoughts, Ranting | Tags: achy, angry, bad manners, bed, bitching, bug bites, caitlin, cares, checking in, cheering, comment, comments, common courtest, constant, constantly, dickens, different, disgusting, doesn't matter, done, downtime, driven, energized, energy, everywhere, exaggerated, fall through, first, forgotten, frenzy, friend, get back to them, girl, goddammit, going to bed, great, hand, hanging, headache, hopefully, hyper, hyperactive, hyperactivity, i would, i'd tell them, irksome, issues, itching, laid-back, left, like, like the dickens, logging on, lose control, matter, needs, never, no control, no question, not crank y, not like, not necessarily, not used, oh no, page, peeved, per se, pissed, plans, ramble, said, saw, say, shift, sleep, smile, spam, stumble, suggest, think, thought, tired, too warm, translation, usually, views, whirlwind, won't work out, wonder, wordpress, write, yes
My first thought upon logging onto wordpress was, yes! I have spam!
It really doesn’t matter to me about receiving views and comments and whatever. I mean, this is for me to write and ramble on, and if someone happens to stumble across it and like it (or not like it) then great.
But I’d forgotten how cheering it is to know that someone actually saw the page. Someone’s checking in, someone cares. It makes me smile.
On a different hand, I’ve had a constant headache today. I don’t know if it’s the shift in energy– with Caitlin here everything seems more exaggerated, more energized, and I’m not used to that kind of hyperactivity. I’m usually a laid-back kind of girl, unless something needs to get done. Then I’m driven, but not (usually) to the point of frenzy. The house has been a whirlwind of frenzy lately.
So, I’m ready for some downtime. I’ll admit it. I’m just tired and achy and a little pissed. Why pissed? one might wonder.
Well, I guess I’m not really angry, per se. Just a little peeved. But when you suggest making plans with someone and then never get back to them, it’s irksome to the one you don’t get back to. Translation: goddammit, if I said I’d text you back about the plans we were going to have, I fricken would. No question. I don’t leave a friend hanging.
And I guess I was left hanging.
It doesn’t matter, and I’m not cranky because oh no, he might not “like” me. I’m cranky because it’s simple common courtesy to say if the plans won’t work out. And I’m not bitching about bad manners, necessarily, but I’d do it for my friends. I’d tell them when something was going to fall through.
Oh, yeah, and I have bug bites effing everywhere and I’m itching like the dickens. It’s too warm and I feel disgusting and did I mention I have a headache?
I’m going to bed. And hopefully just go right to sleep instead of brooding over issues I have no control over and will only constantly think on if I don’t.
Kick Drum Heart 