Kick Drum Heart


What if what-ifs get too overwhelming, too early?

I woke up this morning wanting to make lists, wanting to start school, and wanting to get things done. It then occurred to me that I will be completely counterproductive if I have all these grand plans to make things happen but no notion or direction toward how to actually accomplish them.

So today I guess I’ll be sifting through the papers downstairs. I am going to try and finish my reading cards– although I’m not sure how happy I’ll be re-submerging myself in the hazy medical green fog of lobotomies and Big-boobed Nurse. I might try making lists: what I need for school, what I have for school, what I need to do in order to be ready for school, what I should be doing so I don’t suck when I go back to school.

I’m a smidgeon excited.

Here’s the downside, the only one that I can see.

I had a dream last night that life flew by.
I woke up and discovered what the hell, that’s not a dream, really.
In my dream, I texted Caitlin in September, and the next thing I knew, it was her birthday in November. And I hadn’t talked to her in all the time in between. Dumb.
Not going to happen, either.

It reminded me of “Marley & Me.” The dream did: where at the beginning John and Jenny are twenty-ish and by the end they’re in their forties. All that time vanished in the span of two hours. Not even.

What if that happens to me? Life rocketing by so fast that all I catch of it is a blur? What if I waste it? What if I mess it up? What if I can’t fix my mistakes, or leave a friend when they need me, or end up giving up something I love without knowing it?

What if I don’t live life, and never even know the difference?



Forgive yourself, if you think you can

8:14 AM
8/19/09

My heart’s, my heart’s like a kick drum. Ba bum-bum-bum-bum-bump. I’m exhausted, sore. As the strange army guy we worked with on Monday would say, emotionally starving. Or was it spiritually? Whatever.

I hate it when people think they know you upon meeting you. This man comes up to Brendan, Skylar, James and I at Assembly of God and introduces himself, tells us he was/is a drill sergeant at some military training base. He’s going back to Iraq next month. Now, that’s all well and good and interesting until he asks us what we’re doing after high school. So we tell him, and then he begins rambling about the army and how after an hour talking to his students/trainees/maggots/whatever he can see right through them.

Yes, great. So what do you see in me, Mr. Omniscient? Who exactly do you think you are, you cocky bastard?

Brendan asks him the same thing, albeit much more politely.

“So what do you know about me?”

He doesn’t break stride in informing Brendan that he believes Brendan to be an upstanding guy and dedicated to his community.

Well, obviously, moron. He’s only tired-looking, dirty, and at the volunteer base, sun-tanned and sweaty. However, one might take him for a demonic acid addict with a penchant for axe murdering.

Let’s just say I wasn’t so impressed with Military’s people-reading skills. He started speaking to us– four kids– about God and the military next. About how war is necessary, and if God has a strong-arm, the United States is it.

I can understand and respect the guy’s loyalty, but God is the only one who can judge who deserves to die and who doesn’t. And as Brendan very delicately pointed out, it seems like believing that is like serving two gods.

The Commander in Chief isn’t holy, sorry, buddy.

…….

Now I’m on to another thought process. Just kind of floating along, here. I had to go make the coffee and put my mom’s lunch in the fridge in the back room and now I’m wondering when Brendan will get here, so I’m a little distracted.

I’m so sore. I don’t want to have to walk from the bank to the relocated base at the Moose. I’m all bruised up and scratched. It’s a satisfied battered, but I feel like the hammer I smashed repeatedly into my hand yesterday hit everywhere else, too. And now Brendan’s here. Time to start another day.



“This is so trippy”

…that’s what Katie’s saying about Sonic the Hedgehog right now, anyhow.

What a day it’s been. My head is still working, grinding out new thoughts and ideas that I can’t really keep straight. Katie’s done a lot to help me with them, though. If you ever need someone to talk to (not that I’m advertising her to creep-asses) she’s your girl.

She’s going to start blogging again, too. I showed her how I revamped mine (I was so proud, haha) and now she’s excited. I am, too. Her brilliance should be make public for sure.

It’s magnificence can be located here. Anyone who’s reading this is highly advised to check it out :)

After Trank leaves today, I’m going to go have some fun. A form of stress relief, if you will. Today’s been filled with many pressing issues and I’m just sick to death of having my mind whirring away at me. So, I’m going out (but eventually into a house) and I’m going to enjoy an evening without reservations and without regrets. Therapeutic pizza-baking can only take one so far, you know.

At least, that’s how I hope the evening is going to play out. I’m just so bogged down with new and controversial ideas. I need to shake it off. It’s not that I mind thinking: I certainly don’t. But when it’s constant and unrelenting and heavy, that’s when I start to think I need a distraction.

Here’s to getting my mind off of things. Cheers.