One of these days:
8 December 2009, 10:36 pm
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act,
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writeOne of these days,
I’ll act on impulse.
One of these days,
I’ll say what I think
The most honest version possible
They wouldn’t know it was possible
And either no one will care
Or, they’ll hate me.
One of these days,
I’ll glide along on impulse.
One of these days,
I’ll walk up and kiss him
He wouldn’t be expecting it
No one would be expecting it
And he’d like it
Or, he’ll hate me.
One of these days,
I’ll walk alone with impulse.
One of these days,
I’ll cry, it doesn’t matter
The full room of people, staring
Guess if I was them I’d be staring
And I’d be better
Or I’d hate me.
One of these days,
I’ll write away with impulse.
One of these days,
I’ll test out some poetry
And if it’s pointless then, it’s pointless
I’m not surprised if it is pointless
But if not, then
Here’s to impulse.
Also known as: “I guess I guess I guess”
25 August 2009, 9:55 pm
Filed under:
Dreams,
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"heartbreaker",
"pretty woman",
...,
aerosmith,
after,
anxious,
attempt,
bed,
beginning,
belting,
black,
blasting,
breaktheglass,
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upstairs,
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will power,
willpower,
WritingHere I am again; crap.
I didn’t do anything I’d planned on doing. Instead I went down to find dad in the garage, and we “jammed” while Michelle and Tara were swimming. He’s so difficult to collaborate with sometimes, without John keeping him on track. “Can we take it from the beginning?” and he keeps playing. “Can we play a song I know?” and he keeps playing.
Whatever, though. I came back upstairs after the second attempt at “Pretty Woman” and jealously played Guitar Hero Aerosmith for a while.
And here I am now, fingers skittering anxiously across the black keys, hoping for some kind of relief or peace from the thoughts and energy and nerves that keep nagging me.
Tomorrow, I’m not going to care. I guess Mitt can make all the excuses she likes about me. I need some singing, some real singing. It’s not that “Helter Skelter” and “Heartbreaker” aren’t real, but opera is so much healthier. And, oddly enough, feels more powerful at times than the blasting-belting-breaktheglass I tend to do.
So, I guess I’m done here. I’m just restless, I guess. Itchy for something to happen. I want to be busy again. Practicing on my own and writing on my own and doing projects on my own are altogether separate from doing things because of a deadline. Because I need to. Quite obviously I still need to get them done, I just don’t have a present and looming driving force right now. (My willpower hardly counts as present, or looming.)
I suppose I’ll trundle off to bed here shortly.
It’s goodnight for now.
Unless I sleepwalk myself up here in the middle of the night. And you never know about those things, either. My subconcious makes me text and talk in my sleep, maybe sleep-blogging will be next.
See you tomorrow.
…Maybe.
What if what-ifs get too overwhelming, too early?
24 August 2009, 8:45 am
Filed under:
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accomplish,
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what-ifs,
woke upI woke up this morning wanting to make lists, wanting to start school, and wanting to get things done. It then occurred to me that I will be completely counterproductive if I have all these grand plans to make things happen but no notion or direction toward how to actually accomplish them.
So today I guess I’ll be sifting through the papers downstairs. I am going to try and finish my reading cards– although I’m not sure how happy I’ll be re-submerging myself in the hazy medical green fog of lobotomies and Big-boobed Nurse. I might try making lists: what I need for school, what I have for school, what I need to do in order to be ready for school, what I should be doing so I don’t suck when I go back to school.
I’m a smidgeon excited.
Here’s the downside, the only one that I can see.
I had a dream last night that life flew by.
I woke up and discovered what the hell, that’s not a dream, really.
In my dream, I texted Caitlin in September, and the next thing I knew, it was her birthday in November. And I hadn’t talked to her in all the time in between. Dumb.
Not going to happen, either.
It reminded me of “Marley & Me.” The dream did: where at the beginning John and Jenny are twenty-ish and by the end they’re in their forties. All that time vanished in the span of two hours. Not even.
What if that happens to me? Life rocketing by so fast that all I catch of it is a blur? What if I waste it? What if I mess it up? What if I can’t fix my mistakes, or leave a friend when they need me, or end up giving up something I love without knowing it?
What if I don’t live life, and never even know the difference?
Why, that’s absurd (Blogging at 5:00 AM on a Sunday from a shitty, borrowed laptop)
10 August 2009, 1:27 pm
Filed under:
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"Why that's absurd!",
8:00,
a lot,
absurd,
adoration,
adore,
at least,
balance,
boys,
brendan,
cait,
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whatever,
with meI don’t know if there’s a better reason for being up this early other than I can’t fall back to sleep, but I didn’t want to take the chance that there was. It sounds stupid, but I don’t want to miss a thing… I’m reading The Irresistible Revolution right now and Brendan was right, it does change you. Already I am searching hard at my life, looking for ways that God can use me. I have the inkling I’m looking a little too closely, but I’d rather try and look too hard than not at all. Although, isn’t God the one who will find service and drop it in my lap? See, I don’t know. So I’m confused and starting to get eye and soul strain, here.
Oh, and I think I was trying to text in my sleep again. Cait wasn’t here last night to check on me, but I woke up and my phone was next to me instead of shoved back way under my pillow, so I was moving around pretty forcefully, at least.
I love sleep. I don’t want to give up sleeping because I act like a moron and can’t stop from growling out names and trying to contact people in the dead of the night. How absurd.
The word “absurd” makes me think of “Titanic,” and Rose. “Why that’s absurd!”
I wish I had a Jack (preferably one that wouldn’t sink). I think he’d be a lot of fun, and he’d think I was fun too so there would be no issue. He wouldn’t be too hesistant or too much of a whore. He would want to talk to me or screw me in a car, depending on the moment. We’d have a lot of good times. He wouldn’t expect commitment or a solemn vow of dedication and devotion– he would adore me in the moment, just as I would him. He would understand that there was only one life to live and enjoy, and he’d want to spend a few short moments of his with me.
That, to me, is the perfect balance in a guy. Not too flighty, so I think I’m cheap, but not that willing to settle down, either. I don’t want to feel trapped. I don’t want to have to spend every waking moment thinking about one person and how they feel and what they think and how best to please them. I want, for once, for someone to want to please me but not want to commit to anything serious. I thought boys liked to be considerate sluts?
I’m not saying I want someone for a fuck-and-run. I don’t want to spend time with a guy I can’t respect or have a decent conversation with. But there should be some kind of happy medium, an easy chemistry that doesn’t require too much input from either of us. I want a friend who likes to kiss me, I guess. Haha.
Whatever, I don’t know what I’m talking about. I’m probably not posting this. At least not until eight o’ clock, anyway. I might go back to sleep. God will find me, I hope. Or else I’ll keep searching, just not when I’m on six hours of sleep on a Sunday morning. Good night.
Food (or lack thereof)
26 January 2009, 10:27 pm
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wonderfully,
youngHere’s to wishing I could redo everything today from post-basement romp to now. I wish I wouldn’t have eaten anything; I wish I would have brought a hairbrush.
I just started feeling awful. I don’t have an eating disorder. That’s ridiculous, especially for me. (Come on, look at me. Seriously>) But I’ve just been so busy, eating often and healthily has had to take second fiddle to the many priorities already swirling around me.
So after eating only two granola bars, a bottle of Special K protein water, and two cups of coffee, a Tim Horton’s BLT, bagel, and cappuccino didn’t really sit so wonderfully in my stomach. I felt like puking and I had some awful cramps. After getting home and showering I felt better. The warm water washed away most of the uncomfortable, painful sensations. My mother said the same thing happened to her, when she was “young, and seriously stupid.” She ended up having to rush to the emergency room when she was in college because she only ate a little bit throughout the day and then a large meal later on. Her body wasn’t accustomed to it. Her diagnosis: an “irritated colon.”
It’s irritated, all right. My body is irritated with me. Sure, I’ve lost a few pounds over the past few weeks. But it hasn’t helped me in the health department, and I need to start eating better. I’ve gotten thinner, but I’ve gotten weaker. Without nutrition, I can’t function properly. It’s yet another added workload of thinking and planning, but I guess healthy food is going to have to be added to my priority list. I really felt like shit today, and I don’t want it to happen again. I’m too busy, too dedicated to so many things, to have to worry about a sudden bout of dizziness or the inability to carry something heavy without my legs shaking.
If music be the food of love, sing on
23 January 2009, 8:14 pm
Filed under:
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adjudication,
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yourAll county auditions are tomorrow. I guess, according to Robin, NYSSSA auditions are, too, because she thought I was doing one.. and I’m not. Ha ha. I wish I was. I wish I could.
But all county will be fun, and colleges won’t care if I don’t get into NYSSSA or whatever, they’re going to look and see my audition scores and NYSSMA adjudication sheets… at least, I hope so.
I am going to go practice the xylophone in my room as soon as I warm up. The dogs decided to chill (quite literally) in the woods somewhere for a few hours and mom and I were out calling for them. Then my student’s mother came and paid me, and we stood chatting in the driveway for a long while. It’s pretty cold outside.
Now I am going to practice, before nerves make me throw up. Hopefully auditions and the play tomorrow go well. Deep breaths, deep breaths, and cross your fingers.
Kick Drum Heart 