Filed under: college, Events, My Day, My Explanations, Random Thoughts, Ranting, travel, Writing | Tags: beach, burrs, cancun, conversation, eastman, evening, family, friends, mexico, miserable, myself, nickolas, parents, roar, sand, sigh, slap, solid, syracuse
The Hammock on the Verandah Thing
I don’t know what time it is; past 8 or 9, PM
Gran Caribe Real Hotel
Cancun, Mexico
It’s too nice out to stay inside. Even without the sun, it’s comfortably warm and not so humid that it’s unpleasant. It’s quiet right now, although Michelle plans to try and get us all drunk later. She and my parents, and the Burrs (minus Nickolas) are up at the VIP Lounge. Despite the fact that the computers are all in Spanish, they’re going to try and figure out the score of the Sabres’ game.
I would write more about the pretty weather or the cranky Mexicans who hate their jobs, or the tan I’m actually beginning to obtain (with the help of El Sol and SPF 90). But honestly, I’m a terrible Travel Journal-Keeper and have more on my mind than heat or relaxing in Cancun.
Fun Fact/Side Note: Soundtrack of the Momemt? Roar/slap/sigh of beautiful, powerful waves. Aaaand the drunken catcalls of tourists: “Sexaay ladaay!” in a Mexican accent. So cute. Tierna.
But. Back to, I have a lot on my mind.
I don’t feel like Myself. I haven;t really, since (and I am aware this sounds like whining) this school year began and played out so much differently than I’d expected it to.
This summer, I became someone I liked, someone I enjoyed being. And since senior year started, there have been huge gaping chunks of time where I haven’t been that person at all.
Like now, for instance. For the past few weeks I’ve been strangely detached and incapable of socializing similarly to my usual standard. And before that time, I’d been flat-out miserable.
Now that spring is coming (here in the North and here it’s like late summer), I’ve been wanted Myself back more and more. But there are minds making impressions of me. There are expectations to live up to.
Syracuse or Eastman, Syracuse or Eastman? What to say, what to do?
Who the hell am I?
I’m not as solid as Nick is, in terms of possessing and really owning up to one’s own identity. But we shared a conversation as the fire-opal waves swelled and broke on the beach. This is the second night in a row we’ve just sat out there in the dark. He looks out at the waves, at the sky, down the beach. I absorb the sensations of sea breeze and sand between my toes. We mostly just be. Sit, and talk, and be.
Last night it was John Jarzynski. Tonight it was parasailing, Dan Ratel, school, teaching, and our futures.
Tonight I told the first person my official college plans (as of right now, there are some things I am waiting on).
Tonight, Nick and I discussed and concluded. It’s always good to listen, to drink in opinions. To have an “open ear,” as he said. But (and these are my words), make your own goddamn choices. Sorry, but hell. I love my friends, family, mentors, but shit. I answer to Myself (whoever that is) and God. I might now be an independent adult, but I’m not a hermit, not a recluse.
It’s time to grow up. And it’s going to be hard, but only as hard as I make it.
Speaking for Myself, I’m ready to.
Filed under: Dreams, My Day, Ranting | Tags: another, ash, because, both, buzz, cigarette, cigarettes, cigg, ciggs, clammy, cough, cranky, dad, day, dozens, dream, emotion, emotional, endearingly, equivalent, first, fool, foolish, fools, fully aware, grey, head, health, health problems, heart, hell, hurt, hurts, inhale, irritable, kid, know, last night, life, lighter, lit, little kid, lung, lungs, marlboro, meaningless, michelle, mom, morning, mother, myself, nerves, newport, no, nothing, one, only, parents, pleasant, pro, problems, promise, regardless, remember, scream, screaming, secondhand, secondhand smoke, shit, sister, sleep, smoke, smoked, stain, stained teeth, stay, stress, suckage, sweet, swept away, tag, taste, testimony, thanks, thanks but no thanks, thinking, today, try, undoubtably, unhealthy, via, warmth, welcome, why?, willpower
9:45 AM
You know when you wake up irritable and cranky, and aren’t fully aware why? That happened to me this morning. It took this long to remember why.
I dreamed last night I smoked my first cigarette.
The clammy inhalation of sweet, sweet smoke. The taste on my tongue. Of grey, of ash, tasting of warmth. My nerves welcomed it all as my head screamed NO.
I was only going to try one. In my dream, though, promises to myself and willpower meant nothing. Swept away by the breeze like so much smoke. I smoked the first cigarette, threw it away, then picked up another. Lit it like a pro.
My heart hurts today, thinking about it. Regardless of the fact that I’ve undoubtably inhaled the equivalent of dozens of cigarettes via secondhand, I’d vowed never to take one and smoke it myself. It was hell as a little kid, seeing both parents willingly inhale shit.
Now, my dad’s stained teeth and my mother’s loud, wracking cough are testimony to the suckage that accompanies what some fools endearingly term “ciggs.”
Well, thanks but no thanks. I’ve felt what these things can do to my own lungs. My sister was born premature and an asthmatic because of them. There’s emotional stress and health problems that tag right along with the pleasant buzz, or whatever the hell it is.
Smoking a cigg last night was just a dream. And it will stay that way, for me.
Filed under: Events, My Day, Random Thoughts | Tags: 43 mph zone, 97 mph, alico, avett brothers, backing, beginning, birthday, blowing up, boys, braking, brendan, burger king, car, cart, cattaraugus, celebration, certificate, christ, class, clunk, clunks, concert, cones, confused, content, cool, country, countryside, county, crack, crash, curb, cute, daily, day, dmv, doubt, drive, driven, driver, driver ed, driver ed van, driver education, driver's ed, driving, drove, drunk driving, education, experience, expressway, expressway driving, first, first day, forehead, forest, forever, freak, funny, gas leak, girls, go-karts, gowanda, green, guard rail, hands, high, hijack, hills, hitting, hold on for dear life, humor, interesting, issue, jesse, joyride, karen, katie, keys, killed, last, make-up, mark, mark and karen's, mayday, memories, memory, minnekine, miss, mother, motor vehicle, mph, mud puddle, never, next, no good, parallel parking, parents, park, parking lot, people, pizza, plus, presentation, puddle, push, red garter, red garter in, redneck, reflex, reverse, road, road group, road test, roger, salamanca, sam, sauce, schedule, school, seat, second, secondhand, secondhand crack, senior, senior year, sierra, skateland, smoking, spectacular, star wars, straight, strange, surreal, suv, texting, thanks, three point turn, time, times, tire, tires, traffic, trooper, truck, turn, van, vehicle, victoria, what the hell?, window, wright, zone
After what seems like forever– and still, like no time at all– it’s my last day of driver’s ed in Cattaraugus. Sam will pick me up at quarter after nine, we’ll arrive around ten, take our final exam, then wait around until eleven-thirty for the last road group ever with Mrs. Alico, Jesse, and Victoria.
It’s almost surreal. It hasn’t sunk in yet that I won’t have to get up at five-thirty tomorrow to go to Mark and Karen’s early. It hasn’t been quite realized that next week, I won’t have to go to Cattaraugus and see the rolling green hills and patchy forests pass me by.
It has definitely been an experience I’ll keep with me forever. Despite the hassle and the long drive, I’ve learned a lot– not just about driving– and had some interesting times with people I might never have spoken to otherwise.
Some memories…
~ first day of road group, &the first day of class.
~ “Victoria, you’re going to hit the curb” and she clunks her forehead trying to look out the window.
~ “Sam, are you straight ?!”
~ Almost getting killed by a freak driver who cut in front of us after blazing through two lanes of traffic. Thanks Sam, and her reflexive braking.
~ The first or second day of road group: Victoria saying “I’m no good at turning.” The rest of us: “Oh Christ.”
~ The Red Garter Inn and it’s spectacular view. Plans being made for a birthday/senior year celebration there for Sam, KT and I.
~ Going to Gowanda in the Driver Ed van.
~ My mother almost smoking and blowing the school up. No one told her there was a freaking gas leak in the parking lot where she was waiting for us.
~ Victoria saying, “I’m no good at backing,” and almost crashing us into a guard rail.
~ “Mayday, mayday; Mrs. Alico is not present. Do you read me, Roger? …what say we hijack the keys and take a joyride?”
Jesse: “What crack have you been smoking?”
Me: “I went to the Avett Brothers concert last night. It might be secondhand crack. Mayday, here she comes, mayday!”
~ No one hitting the cones! Not even Victoria!
~ Drunk driving while texting… in go-karts.
~ “My friend thinks the boys here are cute.” “Thanks, Sam.”
~ Redneck washing his hands in a mud puddle! the girls in class knew exactly who we were talking about, too.
~ Gripping the seat for dear life every time Victoria turned, backed, or parallel parked.
~ Going to Burger King, talking about being high and Star Wars cups and what kind of sauce to dip in.
~ Being very confused about make-ups, “I don’t think she knows what she’s talking about.”
~ Having Victoria actually be good at expressway driving… what the hell?
~ Jesse’s wry sense of humor.
~ Planning a pizza escape.
~ Actually talking to the kids from Cattaraugus, haha.
~ The ride to and from Gowanda with Mr. Wright, Sierra and Brendan. Verrrry funny.
~ Presentation day (yesterday): discovering Mr. Wright got his only ticket because he was traveling 97 mph in a 43 mph zone… Having our presentation be funny when I started talking (extremely strange)… Our delicious drawing of a tire.
~ Driving all over the countryside.
~ Talking to a cool trooper.
~ Never crashing the car.
I’m not going to miss it, but I will miss parts of it. The daily driving was a huge plus that I really would like to be able to keep doing, but I doubt it will happen. My road test is scheduled and my driver’s ed certificate should come in around the beginning of school to take money off of the insurance if I ever get a vehicle. But for now I’ll just be content driving whenever I’m allowed to, I guess, although I will push the issue. I’m busy enough without my parents having to cart me everywhere.
But it’s time to start getting ready. Only an hour and fifteen minutes before my last day of driver’s ed.
Kick Drum Heart 