Filed under: college, Events, My Day, My Explanations, Random Thoughts, Ranting, travel, Writing | Tags: beach, burrs, cancun, conversation, eastman, evening, family, friends, mexico, miserable, myself, nickolas, parents, roar, sand, sigh, slap, solid, syracuse
The Hammock on the Verandah Thing
I don’t know what time it is; past 8 or 9, PM
Gran Caribe Real Hotel
Cancun, Mexico
It’s too nice out to stay inside. Even without the sun, it’s comfortably warm and not so humid that it’s unpleasant. It’s quiet right now, although Michelle plans to try and get us all drunk later. She and my parents, and the Burrs (minus Nickolas) are up at the VIP Lounge. Despite the fact that the computers are all in Spanish, they’re going to try and figure out the score of the Sabres’ game.
I would write more about the pretty weather or the cranky Mexicans who hate their jobs, or the tan I’m actually beginning to obtain (with the help of El Sol and SPF 90). But honestly, I’m a terrible Travel Journal-Keeper and have more on my mind than heat or relaxing in Cancun.
Fun Fact/Side Note: Soundtrack of the Momemt? Roar/slap/sigh of beautiful, powerful waves. Aaaand the drunken catcalls of tourists: “Sexaay ladaay!” in a Mexican accent. So cute. Tierna.
But. Back to, I have a lot on my mind.
I don’t feel like Myself. I haven;t really, since (and I am aware this sounds like whining) this school year began and played out so much differently than I’d expected it to.
This summer, I became someone I liked, someone I enjoyed being. And since senior year started, there have been huge gaping chunks of time where I haven’t been that person at all.
Like now, for instance. For the past few weeks I’ve been strangely detached and incapable of socializing similarly to my usual standard. And before that time, I’d been flat-out miserable.
Now that spring is coming (here in the North and here it’s like late summer), I’ve been wanted Myself back more and more. But there are minds making impressions of me. There are expectations to live up to.
Syracuse or Eastman, Syracuse or Eastman? What to say, what to do?
Who the hell am I?
I’m not as solid as Nick is, in terms of possessing and really owning up to one’s own identity. But we shared a conversation as the fire-opal waves swelled and broke on the beach. This is the second night in a row we’ve just sat out there in the dark. He looks out at the waves, at the sky, down the beach. I absorb the sensations of sea breeze and sand between my toes. We mostly just be. Sit, and talk, and be.
Last night it was John Jarzynski. Tonight it was parasailing, Dan Ratel, school, teaching, and our futures.
Tonight I told the first person my official college plans (as of right now, there are some things I am waiting on).
Tonight, Nick and I discussed and concluded. It’s always good to listen, to drink in opinions. To have an “open ear,” as he said. But (and these are my words), make your own goddamn choices. Sorry, but hell. I love my friends, family, mentors, but shit. I answer to Myself (whoever that is) and God. I might now be an independent adult, but I’m not a hermit, not a recluse.
It’s time to grow up. And it’s going to be hard, but only as hard as I make it.
Speaking for Myself, I’m ready to.
Filed under: Dreams, Essays/School, Events, My Day | Tags: amazing, eastman, eastman school of music, pycckuu, russian, today
In the Russian, that means “What do you call yourself?”
I’m asking today. Today, kak bac 3obyt?
It answers, amazing.
And today calls itself amazing because
I just got accepted to Eastman School of Music.
Filed under: Events, My Day, Random Thoughts | Tags: almost, audition, basement, buffalo, buffalo sabres, clean, eastman, eastman school of music, esm, fifty, grass, hockey, homework, kim, move, moving, pretend, room, sabres, sabres hockey, smells, snow, spring, springtime, sunshine, temperature, western new york, winter
I want all of this snow to be gone, today. I’m seriously on board with the idea that the only reason I love Western New York winters is the fact that hockey season encompasses all of these stupid freezing months.
Uhg. But! It smells like spring outside. One might wonder how I know what spring smells like.
When you live in the country and pay attention, and look forward to sunshine as much as I do, you freaking just know.
I almost want to go for a walk today, despite the snow that still pollutes the ground in frigid layers. I could probably pretend there’s grass, if I wanted.
But I don’t; I have to clean my room, and I’ve done No Homework over this short week of break. I suppose I made up for not doing anything by auditioning at Eastman– that’s how I’m regulating my guilt (haha).
I’m almost excited to clean today, though. It’s like a rite of springtime: Kim Moves Back to Room.
My room’s in the basement, you see, and during crap temperatures it normally stays around, oh, fifty. Not exactly appealing for warm-blooded mammals like myself. So I’ve been bunking on the couch, and yes, that sucks.
Today, I move back in. It’s a certifiable disaster zone, but I’ll fix it. And it’ll almost be like spring.
Filed under: college, Dreams, My Day, My Explanations, Ranting | Tags: applications, boys, busy, college, damn, dreaming, Dreams, eastman, free, gas, God, goddamn, gowanda high school, jamestown community college, jcc, jesus christ, job, life, love, mom, money, no way, pumping gas, relax, school, stress, stressed, suck on that, today, weekend, work
Seriously, college is all I think about now. College and life and death and dying and Goddamn I’m sick of it. I’m ready to be done with college and I haven’t even started it yet. I’m hoping that’s a good omen in the long run, though, because that’s the way I felt about prom exactly and I ended up having a blast.
But there’s just so much stress involved. If KT tells me one more time “you need to relax” I’m going to punch Colton in the face, because if it weren’t for him she’d be the same as before.
But life is life and it changes and so do people so I’d better suck it up and move on. God.
At least I’m talking to boys, though. That might help me relax (Jesus Christ).
Relaxing isn’t what I’m supposed to be doing, though. I’m supposed to be working, supposed to be doing everything I can to beat my way into a great school.
My mom told me today that I’m going to end up pumping gas. She told me to go to JCC for free. And meant it.
I’m just not even going to think about that. There’s no way. Just no fucking way I could go there. After all of my dreaming, all of my hard work, to throw it away, for that place?! I know I probably don’t know what I’m saying when I say this, but I’d rather be in debt for the rest of my life and do what I love than go somewhere to learn how to do a nine to five job and get plastered every weekend for free.
God. And there’s just no way I could throw away everything I’ve hoped for and thought of and wished for with all of my heart. Just because of money.
I know money’s important, and my mom would say I’m stupid and have no concept of it because I’ve never had to get a job, never had to make the money to support myself.
Well I guess I’ll figure that all out next year, won’t I? I haven’t gotten any experience with it so far, huh?
The way I figure it, I’ll either sink or float next year. I’ll either succeed or suck and come back home to pump gas.
But I’ll be damned if I don’t try to be all that I can. It’ll be like the dream where I died and watched everyone standing around, shaking their heads and mourning, “What a waste of potential.”
Well, here’s news. I’m not dead.
And I have all the potential in the world. I plan to put it to use.
Suck onnnnn that.
Kick Drum Heart 