Arrivederci, il mio amore
27 November 2009, 8:06 am
Filed under:
college,
Dreams,
music,
My Day,
My Explanations | Tags:
adult,
alive,
allow,
amok,
anywhere,
ass,
blessed,
choked,
cindy ripley,
cleveland institute of music,
college,
competitive,
contact,
control,
disorganization,
distance,
done,
drama,
dumb shit,
eager,
eastman,
eat,
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family,
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finished,
focus,
friends,
fuck,
God,
gowanda high school,
grown up,
guess what,
happens,
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Nature,
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shit,
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struggling,
terrified,
terror,
through,
time,
trampled,
transcript,
trying,
typing,
vicious,
want,
work,
world,
yearI’m done.
I’m through.
It’s over.
I’m finished trying to run, finished trying to control, and finished trying to be independent. Trying to be a grown-up. Let fate fall where it may, and I guess I’m leaning against the old fallback of “if God wills it.”
But seriously. At this point, if God wills it, I’ll be one intensely blessed grateful dumb shit.
I’m done.
I’m done with pretending that I’m an adult. I’m not, okay? So get over it and leave me alone. I’m struggling to get into a college that I know I’m not prepared for in a competitive world that’s waiting with eager, dripping jaws to eat me alive. I’m not ready.
I’m through.
I’m through sitting back and letting my hundreds of responsibilities run amok over me. It’s partially my fault through disorganization, partially my fault through neglect. I’m doing so much I can’t focus on the important things. If something doesn’t go, I will. I’ll go insane. So I’m through being trampled by my own many loves and passions, and I’m through being choked and hung by the dramas of my friends and school life. I’ve got to distance myself from it, before it gets me. If I don’t focus, and work my ass off on the thing that is most important, I won’t get anywhere. Ever.
It’s over.
So it’s over, kids, and here I am typing as a shakily resolute and keenly terrified individual who’s not grown up and who’s ready to practice and who really just wants to stay home and love her life and her family in peace.
But Time and Nature won’t allow it. So ready or not, I’m out in less than a year. If I go to a shitty school, well hey, that’s my own fault. Goodbye, Eastman. Nice looking at your name on the website, C.I.M. I wish I would have been good enough. I’m sorry for wasting your time, Heather. I’m deeply sorry, Mrs. Ripley.
What happens, happens. If I can’t contact anyone and have them be my savior with my transcript and SAT score report today, then I am fucked. And who can or will help me, the irresponsible procrastinator who is falsely deluding herself that she can make it in the vicious world of music?
I just want to sing. And that will probably never happen now, because I’m a fucking retard.
So guess what.
I’m done.
One day
10 January 2009, 11:28 am
Filed under:
Random Thoughts | Tags:
adult,
after,
afterschool,
anyway,
bitch,
care,
carefree,
crazy,
day,
down,
ew,
finality,
free,
gowanda high school,
gross,
grown up,
high,
high school,
hold,
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it,
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me,
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one,
over,
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responsible,
restless,
school,
stuck,
tim horton's,
timmy ho's,
unrestricted,
up,
vending,
vending machine,
walk,
xylophone,
zamboniOne day
it’ll all be over.
No more parties, no more xylophone, no more crazy ideas like “let’s steal the zamboni” or “how about we break into the vending machine?” I won’t be able to bitch about the early morning or walk to Timmy Ho’s when there’s nothing to do afterschool but I’m stuck there anyway. I’ll be a grown up. I’ll have responsibilities. I will have to hold down a job.
From time to time, I’ll look back on high school and think, those were the best years of my life. Carefree, unrestricted, restless and just learning how to be my own person.
I want to make the most of it.
Kick Drum Heart 