Filed under: college, Dreams, music, My Day, My Explanations | Tags: adult, alive, allow, amok, anywhere, ass, blessed, choked, cindy ripley, cleveland institute of music, college, competitive, contact, control, disorganization, distance, done, drama, dumb shit, eager, eastman, eat, fallback, family, fate, finished, focus, friends, fuck, God, gowanda high school, grown up, guess what, happens, heather, hundreds, hung, important, independent, insane, irresponsible, jaws, just, kids, life, love, mrs. ripley, music, my fault, Nature, neglect, not, not ready, over, passion, peace, practice, pretending, procrastinate, ready, resolute, responsibilities, run, sat score report, savior, school, seriously, shit, sing, struggling, terrified, terror, through, time, trampled, transcript, trying, typing, vicious, want, work, world, year
I’m done.
I’m through.
It’s over.
I’m finished trying to run, finished trying to control, and finished trying to be independent. Trying to be a grown-up. Let fate fall where it may, and I guess I’m leaning against the old fallback of “if God wills it.”
But seriously. At this point, if God wills it, I’ll be one intensely blessed grateful dumb shit.
I’m done.
I’m done with pretending that I’m an adult. I’m not, okay? So get over it and leave me alone. I’m struggling to get into a college that I know I’m not prepared for in a competitive world that’s waiting with eager, dripping jaws to eat me alive. I’m not ready.
I’m through.
I’m through sitting back and letting my hundreds of responsibilities run amok over me. It’s partially my fault through disorganization, partially my fault through neglect. I’m doing so much I can’t focus on the important things. If something doesn’t go, I will. I’ll go insane. So I’m through being trampled by my own many loves and passions, and I’m through being choked and hung by the dramas of my friends and school life. I’ve got to distance myself from it, before it gets me. If I don’t focus, and work my ass off on the thing that is most important, I won’t get anywhere. Ever.
It’s over.
So it’s over, kids, and here I am typing as a shakily resolute and keenly terrified individual who’s not grown up and who’s ready to practice and who really just wants to stay home and love her life and her family in peace.
But Time and Nature won’t allow it. So ready or not, I’m out in less than a year. If I go to a shitty school, well hey, that’s my own fault. Goodbye, Eastman. Nice looking at your name on the website, C.I.M. I wish I would have been good enough. I’m sorry for wasting your time, Heather. I’m deeply sorry, Mrs. Ripley.
What happens, happens. If I can’t contact anyone and have them be my savior with my transcript and SAT score report today, then I am fucked. And who can or will help me, the irresponsible procrastinator who is falsely deluding herself that she can make it in the vicious world of music?
I just want to sing. And that will probably never happen now, because I’m a fucking retard.
So guess what.
I’m done.
Filed under: Dreams, My Day, My Explanations, Ranting | Tags: "l", affect, affectation, afternoon, again, agreement, apparently, barbed wire, boys, bullshit, bullshitting, caitlin, cell, cell phone, cement, consciousness, control, conversatoin, couch, daytime, doubt, dream, dreaming, Dreams, emotion, emotions, exhaustion, feeling, feelings, fine, grandma merrill, haha, heather, hell, important, issues, katie, love, lowercase, morning, mutter, muttering, names, night, no control, no recollection, objective, personal, phone, prom, purple, razor ribbon, recollection, ridiculous, shit, sleep, sleeping together, speaking, steel, subconscious, suck, text, the avett brothers, the wall, toddle, trust, trying, two, unaffected, unbiased, uncomfortable, unprotected, untouchable, usally, use, waiting, wall, weeks, what the hell?
“And now the afternoon is fading on…”
How ridiculous. I am having dreams– and, according to Cait, speaking and trying to text– about things that I shouldn’t even be thinking of in the daytime. They’re not that important.
Boys suck. I need Trank’s “Wall” back; I don’t know what the hell happened to it. It had cement, and steel, barbed wire, and razor ribbon. And plus it was purple. I’m trying to get it back again.
We’d had an agreement, KT and I. She would give me her Wall for two weeks, and I would use it while she toddled around with her emotions unprotected. It worked really well for a while, and I kept it longer than two weeks. She fell in… would you call it love? Lowercase “l” love, anyway. I was fine, completely objective and unaffected.
Now things are starting to affect me, apparently, because although I still talk about issues to Caitlin and Trank with that unbiased and untouchable attitude (usually), I dream about the rest with personal affectation. Cait told me this morning that I was muttering boys’ names and trying to text them on my phone. I actually held a conversation with her about them. What the hell?!
She could be bullshitting me, but I highly doubt it. (We do sleep together after all, there’s a certain level of trust there, haha.)
I am extremely uncomfortable with the thought that I have no control over my subconscious. It was like that after prom, too, when I was passed out from exhaustion on the couch. Grandma Merrill came over and I had a conversation with her while still sleeping. Heather called and apparently I told her I was sleeping, and I have no recollection of ever saying so.
I don’t want to be affected by anything to do with boys– I won’t fall in love, that’s preposterous and I don’t want to– but I can fall in like and I can feel offended and pressured and stressed about them. And quite honestly, they’re not worth it. I have other things I need to be accomplishing and focusing on doing. Boys should be at the bottom of the list.
So here is where I will steady my weakening resolve. I’m bringing back the Wall. Through my own willpower, I am going to return to the distant and unreachable facade I’d held earlier in the summer. I won’t care. And if I do, I hope it will freaking stay in the dark recesses of the night.
Filed under: My Explanations, Writing | Tags: :], a lot, age, always, author, authors, biological, biologist, biology, black, blog, blogging, Blogs, book, books, but, carry, cast, cast of characters, chance, character, characters, children, clock, compose, composition, composition notebook, contribute, contribution, crazy, deal, depend, depending, depends, dream, eager, easier, easy, every, excerpts, fear, feeling, fill, filling, first, footwear, form, gap, gaps, go, go crazy, going, great, great deal, ha, have, hypothetical, hypothetically, it, it is, it's, journal, lack, lacking, lately, left, left and right, like, lit, literary, literature, little, long, made up, making up, material, maybe, me, mine, more, much, my, narrate, narrated, neglect, neglected, neglecting, never, not, note, notebook, novel, novels, one, order, particular, past, perfect, place, publish, published, putting, read, reading, reason, remember, revise, revising, right, second, setting, share, shoe, shoes, simple, someone, stories, storm, story, storytime, tell, telling, them, there, though, tick, tick-tock, ticking, time, tried, try, trying, type, typing, week, weeks, who, work, working, world, write, Writing, written, wrote, you, young, younger
So, I have not been blogging lately, but never fear. I have been writing up a storm.
It’s always been my dream to write a book. For as long as I can remember I’ve been making up stories left and right.
Now is the time where I get to feeling like my hypothetical biological clock is ticking. NOT for children… for a book.
There are already published authors who are my age or younger. I have a great deal to contribute to the literary world and am so eager to share it!
So for the past few weeks I’ve been carrying around a simple-but-perfect black composition notebook. It’s a lot like a journal, because the story is going to be narrated by me, for the most part. It’s easier telling a story that way; reading one written by someone else always makes me feel like I am in that character’s shoes at that particular place in time. What I write is always in story form, though; I have a setting and a cast of characters and I’m trying to go crazy with it every chance I get. I think it’s working :] As soon as I fill up the notebook, I’m typing and revising the little excerpts I have, then putting them in order. And then filling in the gaps with more story. Maybe I’ll even fill a second notebook, depending on how much material I feel like I’m lacking.
Ha, but anyway. There you have it, the reason why I have neglected my blog.
Kick Drum Heart 