Filed under: Events, My Day, My Explanations, Ranting | Tags: alive, anyone, august rush, big girl, brendan, bus, caffeine, car, change, chaperones, city, coddle, coffee, conversation, crap, cyber-sport, cybersport, damn, date, Dave, dick, don't, downstairs, driving, explain, family, father, feel, flirt, God, gowanda high school, grow, have to, important, kenny, lasertron, last night, like, love, marya, mcdonald's, michelle, monopoly, mute, nice boy, night, on my own, peaceful, people, pissy, regardless, remember, says, scrapbook, senior ball, sister, snuck, Strictly As Friends, stupid, talking, the end, this morning, today, understand
Well, it’s done. Red lipstick and all, it’s all over.
And I had so much fun.
It might be said that I was a “bad date.” Well, to be honest, there was a legitimate reason I capitalized “Strictly As Friends” when I agreed to go with him. Because I only want to be friends.
The ‘tude he had going all of last night wasn’t going to ruin my evening, no sir. If he’s going to mope around, should I coddle him or have a blast on my own? That was the question.
The answer is: um, a blast, duh. And he can join in– As My Friend– if or when he wants to.
He didn’t really, and I almost feel bad if he didn’t have a great time. But what the heck, just because he can’t be himself for one night, I should be a funsucker of myself to baby him? No, thanks.
I danced the entire damn night away, and then sucked at Cyber-Sport and Lasertron respectively (but competitively).
Then I snuck off the bus (they weren’t keeping track, anyway) and into Kenny’s car. He knew I was sneaking, though, so I got shotgun. Brendan, Marya, Kenny and I went to McDonald’s and had some great discussions; then we jammed our way to Dave’s where we pretended to play Monopoly and watched “August Rush.” I stole a few five hundred dollar bills from the bank when Kenny wasn’t looking, missed my turn a few times, and wasn’t altogether super-impressed by the movie. Dave was still being porky.
What did he expect? A magical night of romance and adoration? Excuse me, no. That’s why I specified “Strictly As Friends.”
Urgh. So aside from the mild frustration and acute craving for caffeine, it was a great time.
And I learned something, when I was sitting silent in the bus seat on the way to Lasertron. My date was mute and the night was backlit by city glow. I was bored, and my mind was quiet, so I started talking to God. About how peaceful everything was right then, and how thankful I was to be lucky enough to have a night with my friends, regardless of, whatever. That’s what made me decide to go with Kenny, Brendan, and Mar, although if and/or when my mother finds out I did that she won’t approve. She’ll probably be pissed. But I’m a big girl, and I trust Kenny driving more than I trust my own father. I had more fun with my friends than I had with my supposed “date,” who wanted more than I was able to give him.
My sister says “Why not?!” in an outraged tone of voice when I explain that I don’t want to date Dave or anything.
She doesn’t understand. I really value his friendship, when he’s normal. But hell no, I don’t like him romantically. I don’t like anyone like that. The closest one, maybe to that, is Kenny because I liked him so much last year and we can still flirt. But that comes nowhere near like liking.
Just because I like a guy’s family, and attitude, and upbringing, does not mean I have to like him. Just because my family is worried for me that I haven’t dated anyone, specifically a “nice boy” since Craig, doesn’t mean I have to like the first one that comes along.
I don’t have to date anyone, or like anybody. I don’t want to.
So now that I’ve made myself irritable, I’m going to go get some coffee and go downstairs. I’ll finish cleaning my room and begin a plan for the scrapbook I plan to make. I’ll be productive until, like, seven tonight and then go to bed. But I’ll remember the thoughts I shared with God and hopefully be able to share more. He knows how I feel about this stupid boy-family crap. He’ll be able to help me find a way around almost feeling like a dick and definitely feeling super pissy about it.
He also helped me understand that it’s important to feel vital, and alive, just as it’s important to grow and change and strike out on my own a little. Re: going with Kenny instead of riding the bus. Like, who cares? Not our chaperones. They all drove out separately, anyway. No one gave a damn.
So I will. I’ll be alive and love people and feel what I feel. The end for today.
Filed under: Dreams, Events, music, My Day, My Explanations | Tags: accomplished, afternoon, alive, ass, audition, bad, because, blessed, blog, broken, call, cheerleader, cheerleads, choir, chorus, conference, conference all state, conversation, creative writing, dammit, damper, day, days, dedication, difficult, each minute, ecstatic, eight, emma, enthusiasm, every time, everyone, excited, exhausted, exist, experience, feel, five, football, for sure, franklinville, game, good, great, guitar hero aerosmith, hard, hard work, heather, heather holden, here i come, high school, hopefully, hour, hours, indication, jcc, kiener, last first, lerew, life, live, long, magnificent, mail, material, measure, michelle, moment, moving, mr. lerew, mrs. ripley, musetta's waltz, night, nothing, nyssma, offer, one, one hundred, passion, practice, productive, proud, puccini, quando m'en vo, quench, ready, ripley, school, senior year, service, singing, some, sop 1, soprano one, system, texted, thirst, tired, today, tomorrow, tonight, vehicle, voice, watch out, whammy, why?, women's choir, working, world
It’s been a long day, even though I don’t know why, really. I beat Guitar Hero Aerosmith on Hard, so I felt accomplished.
The broken whammy bar started working after what might be considered one of the most magnificent hours of my life.
Today, I received a packet of papers in the mail. Within those papers, I was informed that I’ve been accepted into the Conference All-State Women’s Choir.
Soprano One, son.
I texted Emma.
Emma and Kiener called me. Emma told me she was calling Lerew.
I called Mrs. Ripley. Mrs. Ripley was ecstatic. Mrs. Ripley says she’s going to tell everyone she knows.
I texted Heather. By then it was eight at night and I was on the way to Franklinville for my sister’s football game (she cheerleads) and I didn’t want to hold conversation across spotty service areas in a moving vehicle. Hopefully she’ll call me back when it’s good for her, and if I don’t hear from her by tomorrow afternoon, I’m calling for sure. I’m so excited.
Nothing could put a damper on that news, except I’m tired. I’m just downright exhausted, so my enthusiasm is going to be shelved until tomorrow. I’ll siphon it back into my system then and do something really productive. Earlier today I decorated and established my JCC and creative writing binders, and got the rest of my materials ready and in my bag for school. As of tonight, there are only five more full days before my last first day of high school.
I just want to live it. I feel like I say this every time I blog, but dammit, I want to feel and exist in every single moment I’m blessed with. I want to feel alive, I want to experience everything good this world has to offer. And some of the bad, because otherwise there’s nothing to measure the great against.
If today was any indication of where hard work and practice and dedication and passion can get me, though, I don’t think I’ll have too difficult a time living each minute of my senior year. I worked my ass off for that one hundred on the audition paper. Puccini might have been proud of me, even.
So. Conference All State, here I come. And everything else. Watch out. I have a craving, a burning thirst for life. I plan to quench it.
Filed under: My Day | Tags: adult, alive, ariel, basketball, boy, brendan, cd, cds, chamber choir, childhood, choir, chorus, class, Damen, eighth, essay, essays, Grubbs, gym, interesting, lerew, leukemia, making music, meaningful, melody, mermaid, mr. lerew, music, musical, My Day, personal, piece, poignant, quotes, Ruth, sarcasm, sarcastic, serious, today, tres, unexpected, walker, Writing
I am busy uploading the nine CDs Katie made me into my iTunes.
I loooovelovelove music (durrh), but I don’t get much of a chance to hear the contemporary stuff. Or really, any stuff besides classical and showtunes.
Soo, I am excited. Nine CDs. KT surely is my hero :D
I am currently listening to “The Little Mermaid”– still from a musical– but hey, I didn’t have it before… I freakin’ love music. Now, if dad would only shut off the boob tube and I could listen without worrying if it will bother him.
Hum da dum. There’s a lot to write about today, I’m just not sure about where to start. I think I’ll just wing it with my stream of consciousness and see what happens. Transitions from thought to thought might not be so hot. Haha.
Alright, so– today in chamber choir, we only sang for about seven minutes, but in those few short moments I felt like I was actually making music– and I have never felt that way when it comes to chamber. I always felt that, okay, this is a fun class, I learn some things and use my vocal chords. That’s good enough for me, I can make music on my own time. But today, we made melody come alive. And it was exciting.
We began the class with a powerpoint presentation. Mr. Lerew read off the slides, which all were comprised of quotes he took from our essays. We each were required to compose an essay based on what we were able to take fr0m one of our pieces, “How Can I Keep from Singing?” (arr. Gwyneth Walker). I, personally, think that the essays were a great idea. We all seemed to have essentially the same ideas about the piece, despite the numerous differences in our choir. The Walker speaks of music as a rock– it can help one get through anything. And it’s true.
The thoughts that were aired today in class were very meaningful, but the most poignant moment in class occurred when Mr. Lerew discussed his feelings about the piece, and what it means to him.
It turns out that our distinguished, sarcastic, and entertaining but serious teacher was diagnosed with leukemia when he was in eighth grade. I can tell you right now that my jaw dropped. My heart went out to that little boy, forced out of childhood so rudely, with such a serious condition. I felt like I understood my teacher a little more, now that he’d shared that very personal (or so it seemed to me) piece of his life with us. That was a pretty meaningful (and unexpected) part of my day.
Oh, and on a lighter note, Brendan, Damen, Grubbs, Ruth and I schooled up in basketball today.
Filed under: Dreams | Tags: alive, awake, broadway, coffee, college, control, crashing, Dreams, future, glad, job, life, me, microphone, morning, nine, opportunities, opportunity, out-of-the-blue, positive, questions, ridiculous, shoes, sleep, sparkle, tired, unlimited, wal-mart
I had a sad dream this morning. I can’t remember or understand what made it so sad, but it made me angry, too, because I don’t think I should have to wake up and drown in melancholy. I have no control over my dreams when I’m in such a deep sleep, and I’ve been so busy lately that that’s the only kind of sleep I get. I hate being out of my own control: having my emotions manipulated while I’m not in an aware state of consciousness drives me nuts.
The “in control” train of thought dragged me to the question, “What would I like to do with the rest of my life?”
Early mornings do that to me: push me in front of difficult, almost out-of-the-blue questions that steamroll over me and leave me desperate for another cup of strong coffee. (Nine seemed early, I was exhausted and dad had just woken me up to say he was leaving and that I should go back to sleep… yeah, sure.)
Well, I honestly don’t think I’d mind so much being a teacher. A high school English teacher, who directed the school musical. Ha, it’s realistic enough thinking, isn’t it?
Then I hear the crashing of my dreams as they fall to the ground, and the ominous clank of doors shutting all around me– opportunities wasted if I go into teaching instead of performing.
After Broadway, I tell myself. After I’m starring on Broadway, I can think about what to do with the rest of my life. How to make it a life I would treasure, how to make every minute sparkle with the joy of being alive.
That happens now, the sparkliness. After all that happened last year, I’ve figured out how to make everything glitter and gleam and glow with optimism (or if not optimism, at least a positive kind of enjoyment in my negativity– i.e., I’m glad I’m alive to be pessimistic, instead of dead and, well, dead). I’m pleased to say I’ve learned how to put a lighthearted twist on almost everything, instead of dwelling on an immense amount of ridiculous notions that I don’t have any control over.
But the rest of my life? My future? College and a job? I have control over that, I just have no idea as to how I should go about exercising that control. There are an infinite amount of colleges to choose from, and branching from there spiral limitless choices: what major, what minor, on- or off-campus? Good food or good professors? Instant fame in a tiny little school or be a small fish in a big pond?
How am I supposed to make these decisions?! They will affect me for the rest of my life!
Microphone and stage makeup or SmartBoard marker and Wal-Mart shoes!?
Kick Drum Heart 