Arrivederci, il mio amore
27 November 2009, 8:06 am
Filed under:
college,
Dreams,
music,
My Day,
My Explanations | Tags:
adult,
alive,
allow,
amok,
anywhere,
ass,
blessed,
choked,
cindy ripley,
cleveland institute of music,
college,
competitive,
contact,
control,
disorganization,
distance,
done,
drama,
dumb shit,
eager,
eastman,
eat,
fallback,
family,
fate,
finished,
focus,
friends,
fuck,
God,
gowanda high school,
grown up,
guess what,
happens,
heather,
hundreds,
hung,
important,
independent,
insane,
irresponsible,
jaws,
just,
kids,
life,
love,
mrs. ripley,
music,
my fault,
Nature,
neglect,
not,
not ready,
over,
passion,
peace,
practice,
pretending,
procrastinate,
ready,
resolute,
responsibilities,
run,
sat score report,
savior,
school,
seriously,
shit,
sing,
struggling,
terrified,
terror,
through,
time,
trampled,
transcript,
trying,
typing,
vicious,
want,
work,
world,
yearI’m done.
I’m through.
It’s over.
I’m finished trying to run, finished trying to control, and finished trying to be independent. Trying to be a grown-up. Let fate fall where it may, and I guess I’m leaning against the old fallback of “if God wills it.”
But seriously. At this point, if God wills it, I’ll be one intensely blessed grateful dumb shit.
I’m done.
I’m done with pretending that I’m an adult. I’m not, okay? So get over it and leave me alone. I’m struggling to get into a college that I know I’m not prepared for in a competitive world that’s waiting with eager, dripping jaws to eat me alive. I’m not ready.
I’m through.
I’m through sitting back and letting my hundreds of responsibilities run amok over me. It’s partially my fault through disorganization, partially my fault through neglect. I’m doing so much I can’t focus on the important things. If something doesn’t go, I will. I’ll go insane. So I’m through being trampled by my own many loves and passions, and I’m through being choked and hung by the dramas of my friends and school life. I’ve got to distance myself from it, before it gets me. If I don’t focus, and work my ass off on the thing that is most important, I won’t get anywhere. Ever.
It’s over.
So it’s over, kids, and here I am typing as a shakily resolute and keenly terrified individual who’s not grown up and who’s ready to practice and who really just wants to stay home and love her life and her family in peace.
But Time and Nature won’t allow it. So ready or not, I’m out in less than a year. If I go to a shitty school, well hey, that’s my own fault. Goodbye, Eastman. Nice looking at your name on the website, C.I.M. I wish I would have been good enough. I’m sorry for wasting your time, Heather. I’m deeply sorry, Mrs. Ripley.
What happens, happens. If I can’t contact anyone and have them be my savior with my transcript and SAT score report today, then I am fucked. And who can or will help me, the irresponsible procrastinator who is falsely deluding herself that she can make it in the vicious world of music?
I just want to sing. And that will probably never happen now, because I’m a fucking retard.
So guess what.
I’m done.
I hate English essays
6 April 2009, 7:56 pm
Filed under:
My Day,
My Explanations,
Random Thoughts,
Writing | Tags:
anna,
appealing,
around,
book,
brian,
bullshit,
campbell,
churn,
class,
decent,
deep,
demean,
demeaning,
english,
especially,
essay,
essays,
fake,
feeling,
feelings,
find,
finish,
finished,
hate,
i,
idea,
ideas,
inspire,
inspired,
instead,
isobel,
issue,
issues,
jesse,
jodi picoult,
julia,
kate,
keep,
lit,
literature,
me,
moral,
mush,
my sister's keeper,
myself,
no,
novel,
paper,
personal,
picoult,
private,
rather,
read,
reading,
recent,
recently,
sara,
savor,
school,
seven,
spreading,
subject,
thought,
thoughts,
want,
wanted,
wanting,
we,
write,
Writing,
written,
wrote,
yearI hate English essays. Generally the books we have read in English this year have inspired deep thoughts about moral issues and personal feelings. When it comes to the book we have recently finished, especially, I find myself wanting to keep my private thoughts to myself, instead of spreading them around on paper or demeaning the book by having to bullshit some fake ideas in order to churn out a decent essay. I want to savor the thoughts and feelings the literature inspires, rather than mush the subject around until it’s no longer appealing or thought-provoking.
Therefore, I hate English essays.
Broken
19 January 2009, 9:44 pm
Filed under:
Ranting,
Writing | Tags:
ache,
also,
am,
anti,
anti-word,
anything,
boy,
broken,
bug,
button,
buttons,
day,
daydream,
daydreams,
dirty,
distract,
distractable,
distracted,
done,
dream,
Dreams,
dry-heave,
dry-heaves,
feeling,
fin,
finished,
finito,
flu,
focus,
God,
good,
heaving,
hoo boy,
i,
i am,
in addition,
india,
influenza,
level,
lever,
man,
me,
mechanism,
motivate,
motivation,
motivator,
pain,
painful,
perhaps,
puke,
puking,
real,
rid,
sickness,
slimy,
stomach,
stomachache,
stories,
story,
sucks,
taint,
tainted,
too,
uncomfortable,
unpleasant,
unproductive,
vomit,
won't,
word,
words,
Writing,
writing flu I am. Broken, that is. Or, I think my writing mechanism might be. Andd also my motivation button. And perhaps my focus lever, too. I can’t seem to get anything done. I’m a little distractable, and I find myself daydreaming. But when I try to make the daydreams into stories (and hoo boy, would they make some good ones), the words won’t come. It’s very unpleasant. I feel dirty, or slimy; a little tainted, like I have some kind of anti-word bug I can’t get rid of. You know the feeling when you have the flu, and you’ve been puking all day and your stomach believes it should still be puking? But you can’t vomit, so you’re dry-heaving and it’s completely uncomfortable and painful, yet utterly unproductive?
That’s how I feel. I have the writing flu. It sucks, man.
And plus I have a stomach ache, too… I hope to God I’m not getting the real flu, too.
Pillow be mine… later
18 December 2008, 5:16 pm
Filed under:
My Day,
Random Thoughts | Tags:
awful,
bad,
basketball,
basketball game,
bitchy,
concession stand,
concessions,
cranky,
disapproval,
done,
energy,
excited,
exhausted,
feeling,
feelings,
fin,
finished,
finito,
frustrated,
game,
good,
happy,
keyboarding,
long,
lovely,
mood,
muttering,
national honor society,
nhs,
no,
oh no,
pillow,
pillows,
play,
play rehearsal,
powerful,
productive,
Ranting,
raving,
ruthless,
sink,
sinking,
sleep,
sucks,
thoughts,
time,
tired,
unhappy,
WritingI was so tired today. And less-than-energetic. And Little Richter wouldn’t shut up in keyboarding and it drove me insane. Plus, I have resumes and National Honor Society crap to do… not that it’s crap. It’s just stressful and time-consuming, when I have such little time to begin with.
It’s amazing I find time for this writing. I’m going to continue to find the time, though, because I’m sure this is good for me.
I really want to sleep right now. It’s too early, and I have things to do, but I really wouldn’t mind just drifting back into pillows and drowsing. It sounds so lovely, and peaceful.
I’m excited for tonight, though, I suppose. Play rehearsal, and then a basketball game to work (concessions). I hope play is productive. Sometimes we really don’t get anything done, and today, I’m honestly not feeling so peppy and friendly. I worry that I might get frustrated and cranky and bitchy. I hate it when I’m like that, despite how ruthless and powerful unchecked rantings make me feel (ruthless and powerful). It’s the after-bitching phase that sucks: the looks your friends give you and the muttering, and the sinking, awful feeling that maybe, shit, I just did something wrong.
Society disapproves of my bad mood. Oh no.
Kick Drum Heart 