Filed under: My Explanations, Writing | Tags: :], a lot, age, always, author, authors, biological, biologist, biology, black, blog, blogging, Blogs, book, books, but, carry, cast, cast of characters, chance, character, characters, children, clock, compose, composition, composition notebook, contribute, contribution, crazy, deal, depend, depending, depends, dream, eager, easier, easy, every, excerpts, fear, feeling, fill, filling, first, footwear, form, gap, gaps, go, go crazy, going, great, great deal, ha, have, hypothetical, hypothetically, it, it is, it's, journal, lack, lacking, lately, left, left and right, like, lit, literary, literature, little, long, made up, making up, material, maybe, me, mine, more, much, my, narrate, narrated, neglect, neglected, neglecting, never, not, note, notebook, novel, novels, one, order, particular, past, perfect, place, publish, published, putting, read, reading, reason, remember, revise, revising, right, second, setting, share, shoe, shoes, simple, someone, stories, storm, story, storytime, tell, telling, them, there, though, tick, tick-tock, ticking, time, tried, try, trying, type, typing, week, weeks, who, work, working, world, write, Writing, written, wrote, you, young, younger
So, I have not been blogging lately, but never fear. I have been writing up a storm.
It’s always been my dream to write a book. For as long as I can remember I’ve been making up stories left and right.
Now is the time where I get to feeling like my hypothetical biological clock is ticking. NOT for children… for a book.
There are already published authors who are my age or younger. I have a great deal to contribute to the literary world and am so eager to share it!
So for the past few weeks I’ve been carrying around a simple-but-perfect black composition notebook. It’s a lot like a journal, because the story is going to be narrated by me, for the most part. It’s easier telling a story that way; reading one written by someone else always makes me feel like I am in that character’s shoes at that particular place in time. What I write is always in story form, though; I have a setting and a cast of characters and I’m trying to go crazy with it every chance I get. I think it’s working :] As soon as I fill up the notebook, I’m typing and revising the little excerpts I have, then putting them in order. And then filling in the gaps with more story. Maybe I’ll even fill a second notebook, depending on how much material I feel like I’m lacking.
Ha, but anyway. There you have it, the reason why I have neglected my blog.
Filed under: My Day, Ranting | Tags: after, amuse, amused, amusement, any, anymore, appeal, appealing, as, attempt, attempting, attempts, attention, attentions, attract, attractive, attractiveness, be, been, behold, believe, believed, big, big deal, blond, blonde, blue, blue eyes, boat, build, building, built, but, can, cheer, cheerful, cheerfulness, cheery, comment, comments, complete, completely, connect, connection, convenient, could, could have, curvaceous, curvacious, curve, curves, curvy, deal, depress, depressed, depressing, determine, determined, do not, don't, drama, dramatic, dwell, easily, easy, else, elsewhere, english, English Regents, even, ever, ex, ex-boyfriend, eyelash, eyelashes, eyes, fact, fail, failure, fantastical, fantasy, feminine, femininity, fiery, flirtation, flirting, float, floated, floating, focus, focused, focusing, frame, fun, gaiety, girl, goes, going, gone, good, guy, guys, h2o, hair, have, heal, healed, healing, heart, hey, hope, hopeful, i, i am, i have, i'm, i've, idea, ideas, imagination, imagine, imagined, inadequacies, inadequacy, inadequate, inconvenient, infested, interest, interested, it, it doesn't matter, just, just that, know, lashes, laugh, length, less, let, life, lifeboat, light, light-hearted, lighthearted, like, long, longer, matter, maybe, mine, my, my own, myself, next, nor, not, nothing, notice, nowhere, noxious, nurse, obnoxious, obscene, obscenely, off, oh, oh-hey, okay, once, out, outspoken, own, party, pause, practice, practicing, pull, pulled, random, really, rebound, refrain, refrained, refuse, regent, regents, repartee, right, romantic, row, row row row your boat, sad, said, say, saying, search, searching, sharp, she, sit, smart, smile, so what?, so what?! loud, soon, sought, sought after, sound, speak, speaker, speaking, speculate, speculation, spirit, spirited, spoken, stupid, suck, sucks, suppose, sure, that, thing, think, thinking, this, thought, thoughts, thrice, time, tomorrow, too, tuesday, turn, turn-off, turns, twice, undesirable, unsuccessful, upset, was, was not, wasn't, water, waters, when, where, white, who, will, will not, with, witty, won't, word, words, would, would not, wouldn’t, wound, write, Writing, written, wrong
I suppose it was just a speculation of mine. You know, a thought. A random inconvenient fantastical idea, that floated in from nowhere. I wouldn’t sound so dramatic, but I’m practicing my writing for the stupid English Regents tomorrow.
But simply put, that means: I guess I just got my hopes up.
It wasn’t a big deal, realizing that, oh-hey, there goes a possibiolity of a fun time. Of course, nothing is really a big deal when it comes to me and guys. I don’t have big deals, or drama. I don’t get upset. It’s “whatever” and “it doesn’t matter” and “who will I take an interest in next?”
Right. Okay, so, who will it be.
I don’t want to think about that right now. I don’t really want to dwell on my failure as a girl, my failure at attractiveness, at witty repartee. I don’t ever like to sit and nurse a wound that will heal easily and soon.
But I don’t want to fail to notice my own sad attempts at femininity. The long blonde hair really does nothing for me, nor do the blue eyes, obscenely long lashes, curvy frame or even smile. Maybe it’s the laugh that turns them off, maybe my cheerfulness is just too obnoxious to behold for any length of time. Maybe the flirting was just that.
Sure. I can deal with that. I won’t think any more on the fact that I’m completely undesirable, too outspoken for my own good, and when the time is right to comment, I refrain. I refuse to pause any longer over my inadequacies as a determined but unsuccessful interested party.
So what if my laugh is too loud, my comments too sharp? So what if I say the wrong thing once or twice, or I’m less appealing than she is?
If I’m too big, I’m too big.
If I’m too smart, I’m too smart.
If I’m only a focus of amusement and flirtation, then I’d do better to focus my own attentions elsewhere.
But this could have been my chance. I let myself believe that, hey, this could be the rebound I’ve been searching for. The connection that pulled me out of ex-infested waters and into a lifeboat built with lighthearted gaiety and a less depressing spirit.
But it’s no big deal. I’ll get over it.
If I’m too romantic and hopeful, I’ve just got to suck it up.
Filed under: Random Thoughts | Tags: adult, after, afterschool, anyway, bitch, care, carefree, crazy, day, down, ew, finality, free, gowanda high school, gross, grown up, high, high school, hold, idea, ideas, it, job, living, living it up, machine, me, morning, my own, myself, nothing, one, over, own, parties, party, person, responsibilities, responsible, restless, school, stuck, tim horton's, timmy ho's, unrestricted, up, vending, vending machine, walk, xylophone, zamboni
One day
it’ll all be over.
No more parties, no more xylophone, no more crazy ideas like “let’s steal the zamboni” or “how about we break into the vending machine?” I won’t be able to bitch about the early morning or walk to Timmy Ho’s when there’s nothing to do afterschool but I’m stuck there anyway. I’ll be a grown up. I’ll have responsibilities. I will have to hold down a job.
From time to time, I’ll look back on high school and think, those were the best years of my life. Carefree, unrestricted, restless and just learning how to be my own person.
I want to make the most of it.
Filed under: My Explanations, Random Thoughts | Tags: 08, 09, 2008, 2009, ability, able, accompanied, accompany, aida, all, another, autumn, best, best yet, bond, butt, caitlin, communicate, communication, continuation, continue, december, despite, everything, excitement, expand, fall, family, ferocious, ferocity, friend, friends, fun, gay, glow, glowing, grow, happiness, happy, hot, hot tubs, i, inability, independent, issue, issues, it, july, katie, keep, kenya, kt, last, last winter, learned, lesson, lessons, life, me, memories, michelle, michelle leigh, michelleigh, miscommunication, mittie, motivate, motivated, motivation, mudslide, mudslides, myself, myspace, new, new year, opera, optimism, people, person, personal, photo shoots, play, puccini, remember, season, seasons, sentiment, sentimental, sentiments, shboom, shit, shitty, sister, sled, sledding, so far, son, spring, strength, strong, success, summer, survey, think, thinking, time, times, trank, tub, winter, work, xylo, xylophone, year, years, yet
I just got done with a pretty gay myspace survey; but it started out talking about 2008. I got a little sentimental thinking back on the year, which encompassed everything from the shitty times last winter with issues and miscommunication to the shitty times this spring and summer with some more issues and my inability to communicate altogether. But it also covered the kickass summer with Caitlin, Michelle, and bonfires and the blanket game to this school year, my best yet– with friends and Aida and mudslides and hot tubs and sledding and friends and photo shoots.
I want 2009 to be a continuation of the time from July to December.
I want fun with friends and family. I want the bond with my sister to strengthen and expand. I want another mudslide ;) I want to be able to play some ferocious xylophone and bust out the Puccini like nobody’s business. I want to have so much excitement and happiness that I feel like I’m going to start glowing with optimism. I want to work my butt off and be motivated and feel like a success as a person.
I want 2009 to be the best year of my life so far.
I’m going to remember 2008: there were a lot of hard-learned lessons that I need to keep with me. But I want to be able to put the crap that accompanied those lessons behind me and move forward as my own independent person. And I will, despite it all. Shboom shboom, son.
Kick Drum Heart 