Filed under: Dreams, My Day, My Explanations, Ranting | Tags: "l", affect, affectation, afternoon, again, agreement, apparently, barbed wire, boys, bullshit, bullshitting, caitlin, cell, cell phone, cement, consciousness, control, conversatoin, couch, daytime, doubt, dream, dreaming, Dreams, emotion, emotions, exhaustion, feeling, feelings, fine, grandma merrill, haha, heather, hell, important, issues, katie, love, lowercase, morning, mutter, muttering, names, night, no control, no recollection, objective, personal, phone, prom, purple, razor ribbon, recollection, ridiculous, shit, sleep, sleeping together, speaking, steel, subconscious, suck, text, the avett brothers, the wall, toddle, trust, trying, two, unaffected, unbiased, uncomfortable, unprotected, untouchable, usally, use, waiting, wall, weeks, what the hell?
“And now the afternoon is fading on…”
How ridiculous. I am having dreams– and, according to Cait, speaking and trying to text– about things that I shouldn’t even be thinking of in the daytime. They’re not that important.
Boys suck. I need Trank’s “Wall” back; I don’t know what the hell happened to it. It had cement, and steel, barbed wire, and razor ribbon. And plus it was purple. I’m trying to get it back again.
We’d had an agreement, KT and I. She would give me her Wall for two weeks, and I would use it while she toddled around with her emotions unprotected. It worked really well for a while, and I kept it longer than two weeks. She fell in… would you call it love? Lowercase “l” love, anyway. I was fine, completely objective and unaffected.
Now things are starting to affect me, apparently, because although I still talk about issues to Caitlin and Trank with that unbiased and untouchable attitude (usually), I dream about the rest with personal affectation. Cait told me this morning that I was muttering boys’ names and trying to text them on my phone. I actually held a conversation with her about them. What the hell?!
She could be bullshitting me, but I highly doubt it. (We do sleep together after all, there’s a certain level of trust there, haha.)
I am extremely uncomfortable with the thought that I have no control over my subconscious. It was like that after prom, too, when I was passed out from exhaustion on the couch. Grandma Merrill came over and I had a conversation with her while still sleeping. Heather called and apparently I told her I was sleeping, and I have no recollection of ever saying so.
I don’t want to be affected by anything to do with boys– I won’t fall in love, that’s preposterous and I don’t want to– but I can fall in like and I can feel offended and pressured and stressed about them. And quite honestly, they’re not worth it. I have other things I need to be accomplishing and focusing on doing. Boys should be at the bottom of the list.
So here is where I will steady my weakening resolve. I’m bringing back the Wall. Through my own willpower, I am going to return to the distant and unreachable facade I’d held earlier in the summer. I won’t care. And if I do, I hope it will freaking stay in the dark recesses of the night.
Filed under: My Explanations, Random Thoughts, Writing | Tags: away, black, black on white, blank, blog, call, can't, cement, change, changed, changing, come, defeat, defeated, empty, evening, fall, falling, feet, felt, fingers, flutter, fluttered, fluttering, graffitti, hand, hard, inspiration, inspired, intimidate, intimidating, intimidation, jump, jumping, lack, leave, light, little, loom, looming, metaphor, metaphorical, mind, miserable, mouse, music, nothing, ominous, pliable, pointless, presence, rambling, red, red "X", refuse, refused, refusing, right, run, screen, shadow, shadowy, somehow, sometimes, space, stand, stop, tag, the wall, time, tonight, turn, turn away, twisted, type, typing, unmarked, unwelcome, unwelcoming, upper, voice, wall, white, whiteness, word, words, Writing, x
Sometimes when I see this blog form and it’s so empty, so white and unmarked, I am inspired. I can’t stop myself from jumping in with both feet and just letting my mind and my typing fingers run on.
Other times, I can’t stand the intimidating whiteness, hard and unwelcoming. A cement wall, refusing words. I can’t even graffiti black on white, type on screen. Nothing will come to my mind and I’ll turn away from this little blog, defeated.
Tonight, I felt the ominous presence of blank space looming at me in the shadowy light of falling evening. My mouse fluttered near the little red “X” in the upper right hand of my screen.
Then, somehow, I changed my mind. I didn’t leave, miserable with my own lack of voice. I just turned up the music and twisted the cement into something more pliable. Words, inspiration, whatever you want to call it.
This might be a completely pointless, rambling, metaphorical exercise, but chipping away at that forbidding white cement barricade gives me some satisfaction tonight.
I wrote for over an hour earlier, on my story. That might be entirely a waste of time, but it’s good for my mind and it keeps me writing. I can put down some of my imagination in a format where maybe, someday, someone else will derive enjoyment from it. If I could do that for the rest of my life, I might. There’s just so much I could do, I think.
It’s a lot to handle when I have to start looking at colleges. If I wasn’t such a lazy bum enjoying her summer (despite driver’s ed daily), I would get right on that, haha. Then again, I have dial-up here, still, so college research is awfully slow.
Nonetheless, I’ll be chipping away at that wall shortly. Obstacle by obstacle, I’m going to figure it out. Just like this blog, tonight. I guess the best way to gain satisfaction from something is to remove the mouse from that little red “X”, and break out the sledgehammer. Start knocking down what stands in the way of inspiration.
Kick Drum Heart 