I told you not to keep me waiting
8 August 2009, 7:23 am
Filed under:
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"l",
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use,
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weeks,
what the hell?“And now the afternoon is fading on…”
How ridiculous. I am having dreams– and, according to Cait, speaking and trying to text– about things that I shouldn’t even be thinking of in the daytime. They’re not that important.
Boys suck. I need Trank’s “Wall” back; I don’t know what the hell happened to it. It had cement, and steel, barbed wire, and razor ribbon. And plus it was purple. I’m trying to get it back again.
We’d had an agreement, KT and I. She would give me her Wall for two weeks, and I would use it while she toddled around with her emotions unprotected. It worked really well for a while, and I kept it longer than two weeks. She fell in… would you call it love? Lowercase “l” love, anyway. I was fine, completely objective and unaffected.
Now things are starting to affect me, apparently, because although I still talk about issues to Caitlin and Trank with that unbiased and untouchable attitude (usually), I dream about the rest with personal affectation. Cait told me this morning that I was muttering boys’ names and trying to text them on my phone. I actually held a conversation with her about them. What the hell?!
She could be bullshitting me, but I highly doubt it. (We do sleep together after all, there’s a certain level of trust there, haha.)
I am extremely uncomfortable with the thought that I have no control over my subconscious. It was like that after prom, too, when I was passed out from exhaustion on the couch. Grandma Merrill came over and I had a conversation with her while still sleeping. Heather called and apparently I told her I was sleeping, and I have no recollection of ever saying so.
I don’t want to be affected by anything to do with boys– I won’t fall in love, that’s preposterous and I don’t want to– but I can fall in like and I can feel offended and pressured and stressed about them. And quite honestly, they’re not worth it. I have other things I need to be accomplishing and focusing on doing. Boys should be at the bottom of the list.
So here is where I will steady my weakening resolve. I’m bringing back the Wall. Through my own willpower, I am going to return to the distant and unreachable facade I’d held earlier in the summer. I won’t care. And if I do, I hope it will freaking stay in the dark recesses of the night.
So you think you can love me and leave me to die ?
7 June 2009, 11:00 am
Filed under:
Random Thoughts,
Writing | Tags:
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Writing,
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youthAs I sit here jamming to the piercing guitar riffs of Queen, I think on the possibilities the future has to offer. What’s new, right? I do that on a daily basis. Lately, though, it’s started to hit me… in a few short weeks I will be considered a senior, or at least in the transition to one. I will be preparing to enter my final year of high school.
I don’t want to! But in the same breath I do; I desperately, desperately do. I want to go out to experience what life has to offer, I want to leave my mark on the world. I want to be my own person, my own individual.
But I’ll miss not living with my family and seeing my friends daily when I’m away in college. I know I will make new friends, but what of the old ones? What will happen?
Anything can happen in that last year of school. Everything or nothing can change me, mold me into the person I will be when I leave for college.
I’m eager, and yet I’m terrified. What if I fail? Or, what if I succeed?
I know I’m not making much sense at the moment, but I didn’t start this blog with a set sense of what I wanted to write about in mind. It just kind of evolved with my stream of consciousness.
In any case, I want to make the most of what time I have left in Gowanda. “Youth is wasted on the young,” they say. Well, I’ll be damned if it’s wasted on me.
Kick Drum Heart 