Filed under: My Day, Random Thoughts, travel, Writing | Tags: alcohol, cancun, confessions, cousins, cute, day, drunk, evening, fear, gay, homosexual, lives, mexico, night, quote, rosa parks, travel, underground railroad, whatever
I just updated all of my writing from Mexico; I’d dragged a notebook down there with me and penned away during free time or down time. The one entry I never finished, ha.
Here’s a silly tidbit that I’d scribbled in a margin, from day two or three. I was probably laying in the fishnet-woven hammock on the verandah at the time:
“She wouldn’t give up her seat on the Underground Railroad” — talking about Rosa Parks. Some drunk gay guy
Cute, huh? I know I cracked up. And he said it in such an obviously queer tone of voice, it was hysterical. Nothing against gays or anything: it was just a quirky little detail to an outrageously inebriated comment.
Well, that’s all for tonight.
There’s more I could write, about cousins, and lives and fear and confessions. But I won’t, because. Just because I don’t know if I’m ready to. But there we are, all of my thoughts from Cancun, just read below. Have a great night/evening/day/whatever time it is that whoever reads this, reads this.
Filed under: Poetry | Tags: been, black, cold, could have, death, deja vu, dusk, evening, fate, i'll never, last, life, meant to be, memory, never, night, poems, Poetry, pointless, ride, said, say, should have, summer, tried, try, white, would have
I’ll never say
“that could have been”
When dusk is close and
lights are dim
The air smells sweet on
summer nights, but
Memory tastes cold,
all right
I’ll never say
“that might have been”
When early morning
songs chime in
The air brings high bright
melody, but
Time is wasted if
you ask me
I’ll never say
“that should have been”
When late sun’s deja
vu sets in
Seared rays gleam
past actions glow, but
Sadness lasts if
you must know
I’ll never say
“I should have tried”
When I sit in on
life’s last ride, the
White of Death, or black
maybe seems pointless
since it’s
meant
to be
Filed under: Events, My Day, My Explanations, Ranting | Tags: alive, anyone, august rush, big girl, brendan, bus, caffeine, car, change, chaperones, city, coddle, coffee, conversation, crap, cyber-sport, cybersport, damn, date, Dave, dick, don't, downstairs, driving, explain, family, father, feel, flirt, God, gowanda high school, grow, have to, important, kenny, lasertron, last night, like, love, marya, mcdonald's, michelle, monopoly, mute, nice boy, night, on my own, peaceful, people, pissy, regardless, remember, says, scrapbook, senior ball, sister, snuck, Strictly As Friends, stupid, talking, the end, this morning, today, understand
Well, it’s done. Red lipstick and all, it’s all over.
And I had so much fun.
It might be said that I was a “bad date.” Well, to be honest, there was a legitimate reason I capitalized “Strictly As Friends” when I agreed to go with him. Because I only want to be friends.
The ‘tude he had going all of last night wasn’t going to ruin my evening, no sir. If he’s going to mope around, should I coddle him or have a blast on my own? That was the question.
The answer is: um, a blast, duh. And he can join in– As My Friend– if or when he wants to.
He didn’t really, and I almost feel bad if he didn’t have a great time. But what the heck, just because he can’t be himself for one night, I should be a funsucker of myself to baby him? No, thanks.
I danced the entire damn night away, and then sucked at Cyber-Sport and Lasertron respectively (but competitively).
Then I snuck off the bus (they weren’t keeping track, anyway) and into Kenny’s car. He knew I was sneaking, though, so I got shotgun. Brendan, Marya, Kenny and I went to McDonald’s and had some great discussions; then we jammed our way to Dave’s where we pretended to play Monopoly and watched “August Rush.” I stole a few five hundred dollar bills from the bank when Kenny wasn’t looking, missed my turn a few times, and wasn’t altogether super-impressed by the movie. Dave was still being porky.
What did he expect? A magical night of romance and adoration? Excuse me, no. That’s why I specified “Strictly As Friends.”
Urgh. So aside from the mild frustration and acute craving for caffeine, it was a great time.
And I learned something, when I was sitting silent in the bus seat on the way to Lasertron. My date was mute and the night was backlit by city glow. I was bored, and my mind was quiet, so I started talking to God. About how peaceful everything was right then, and how thankful I was to be lucky enough to have a night with my friends, regardless of, whatever. That’s what made me decide to go with Kenny, Brendan, and Mar, although if and/or when my mother finds out I did that she won’t approve. She’ll probably be pissed. But I’m a big girl, and I trust Kenny driving more than I trust my own father. I had more fun with my friends than I had with my supposed “date,” who wanted more than I was able to give him.
My sister says “Why not?!” in an outraged tone of voice when I explain that I don’t want to date Dave or anything.
She doesn’t understand. I really value his friendship, when he’s normal. But hell no, I don’t like him romantically. I don’t like anyone like that. The closest one, maybe to that, is Kenny because I liked him so much last year and we can still flirt. But that comes nowhere near like liking.
Just because I like a guy’s family, and attitude, and upbringing, does not mean I have to like him. Just because my family is worried for me that I haven’t dated anyone, specifically a “nice boy” since Craig, doesn’t mean I have to like the first one that comes along.
I don’t have to date anyone, or like anybody. I don’t want to.
So now that I’ve made myself irritable, I’m going to go get some coffee and go downstairs. I’ll finish cleaning my room and begin a plan for the scrapbook I plan to make. I’ll be productive until, like, seven tonight and then go to bed. But I’ll remember the thoughts I shared with God and hopefully be able to share more. He knows how I feel about this stupid boy-family crap. He’ll be able to help me find a way around almost feeling like a dick and definitely feeling super pissy about it.
He also helped me understand that it’s important to feel vital, and alive, just as it’s important to grow and change and strike out on my own a little. Re: going with Kenny instead of riding the bus. Like, who cares? Not our chaperones. They all drove out separately, anyway. No one gave a damn.
So I will. I’ll be alive and love people and feel what I feel. The end for today.
Filed under: Dreams, Events, music, My Day, My Explanations | Tags: accomplished, afternoon, alive, ass, audition, bad, because, blessed, blog, broken, call, cheerleader, cheerleads, choir, chorus, conference, conference all state, conversation, creative writing, dammit, damper, day, days, dedication, difficult, each minute, ecstatic, eight, emma, enthusiasm, every time, everyone, excited, exhausted, exist, experience, feel, five, football, for sure, franklinville, game, good, great, guitar hero aerosmith, hard, hard work, heather, heather holden, here i come, high school, hopefully, hour, hours, indication, jcc, kiener, last first, lerew, life, live, long, magnificent, mail, material, measure, michelle, moment, moving, mr. lerew, mrs. ripley, musetta's waltz, night, nothing, nyssma, offer, one, one hundred, passion, practice, productive, proud, puccini, quando m'en vo, quench, ready, ripley, school, senior year, service, singing, some, sop 1, soprano one, system, texted, thirst, tired, today, tomorrow, tonight, vehicle, voice, watch out, whammy, why?, women's choir, working, world
It’s been a long day, even though I don’t know why, really. I beat Guitar Hero Aerosmith on Hard, so I felt accomplished.
The broken whammy bar started working after what might be considered one of the most magnificent hours of my life.
Today, I received a packet of papers in the mail. Within those papers, I was informed that I’ve been accepted into the Conference All-State Women’s Choir.
Soprano One, son.
I texted Emma.
Emma and Kiener called me. Emma told me she was calling Lerew.
I called Mrs. Ripley. Mrs. Ripley was ecstatic. Mrs. Ripley says she’s going to tell everyone she knows.
I texted Heather. By then it was eight at night and I was on the way to Franklinville for my sister’s football game (she cheerleads) and I didn’t want to hold conversation across spotty service areas in a moving vehicle. Hopefully she’ll call me back when it’s good for her, and if I don’t hear from her by tomorrow afternoon, I’m calling for sure. I’m so excited.
Nothing could put a damper on that news, except I’m tired. I’m just downright exhausted, so my enthusiasm is going to be shelved until tomorrow. I’ll siphon it back into my system then and do something really productive. Earlier today I decorated and established my JCC and creative writing binders, and got the rest of my materials ready and in my bag for school. As of tonight, there are only five more full days before my last first day of high school.
I just want to live it. I feel like I say this every time I blog, but dammit, I want to feel and exist in every single moment I’m blessed with. I want to feel alive, I want to experience everything good this world has to offer. And some of the bad, because otherwise there’s nothing to measure the great against.
If today was any indication of where hard work and practice and dedication and passion can get me, though, I don’t think I’ll have too difficult a time living each minute of my senior year. I worked my ass off for that one hundred on the audition paper. Puccini might have been proud of me, even.
So. Conference All State, here I come. And everything else. Watch out. I have a craving, a burning thirst for life. I plan to quench it.
Filed under: My Day, Random Thoughts | Tags: all day, anything, attitude, befuddled, binder, blog, chill, chilling, Christmas, cleaning, clue, cold, day, december, done, dream, Dreams, early, excellent, exhaused, find, folder, freezing, friday, friend, friends, frigid, frustrated, frustration, fun, good mood, hallucination, hamster, happy, haze, hectic, hope, house, later, location, lost, marvelous, misplaced, monday, national honor society, nhs, night, no, outline, panic, pen, possibilities, procrastination, ready, restless, runaway, shitty, sleep, sleeping, snow, snow day, story, today, tomorrow, vanished, voila, wheel, winter, work, Writing
I feel a little like writing. Maybe not just the blog today; mayve I’ll pick up a pen or a story outline and set to. Who knows?
Anything’s possible today, though… we have a snow day.
Ha, don’t think I haven’t noticed my own change in attitude toward the days off. Friday was shitty; today is marvelous.
It’s exceptionally marvelous because I mayormaynothave lost my National Honor Society folder and binder, and my voice lesson materials… they are definitely floating around here somewhere, but in all of my hectic cleaning haze, I must have misplaced them.
You know what’s excellent? I have all day to find them. I looked for them last night amidst a cloud of panic, then finally resorted to sleeping and hoping their location would come to me in a dream or hallucination or something. As it is, I did have a restless night, which is why I was up so early today, but I still have no freakin’ clue where my missing materials might be. I am cheerfully planning to conduct a large-scale search for them…. later.
I think it was the addition to something fun to my schedule that put me in a good mood. All last week it was “go, go, go”– and I honestly felt like I was the hamster in the little wheel: trying to go but simply turning round and round in the same exact place. I didn’t think I was trying hard enough, but the more I tried to push myself to get things done, the more frustrated and exhausted and befuddled I became.
But then I cleaned the house, and spent some time chilling (literally) with friends, and voila. Good mood is back again. Maybe that’s key– the friends and fun thing. If it is, though, then why am I constantly being reminded, no fun until the work is done?
Oh, well. I’m happy this morning, and once I find my runaway papers, I’ll be happy tomorrow morning, too. So bring on the snow days, I’m ready for anything.
Kick Drum Heart 