I told you not to keep me waiting
8 August 2009, 7:23 am
Filed under:
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"l",
affect,
affectation,
afternoon,
again,
agreement,
apparently,
barbed wire,
boys,
bullshit,
bullshitting,
caitlin,
cell,
cell phone,
cement,
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Dreams,
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katie,
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lowercase,
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muttering,
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no control,
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objective,
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purple,
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shit,
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speaking,
steel,
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text,
the avett brothers,
the wall,
toddle,
trust,
trying,
two,
unaffected,
unbiased,
uncomfortable,
unprotected,
untouchable,
usally,
use,
waiting,
wall,
weeks,
what the hell?“And now the afternoon is fading on…”
How ridiculous. I am having dreams– and, according to Cait, speaking and trying to text– about things that I shouldn’t even be thinking of in the daytime. They’re not that important.
Boys suck. I need Trank’s “Wall” back; I don’t know what the hell happened to it. It had cement, and steel, barbed wire, and razor ribbon. And plus it was purple. I’m trying to get it back again.
We’d had an agreement, KT and I. She would give me her Wall for two weeks, and I would use it while she toddled around with her emotions unprotected. It worked really well for a while, and I kept it longer than two weeks. She fell in… would you call it love? Lowercase “l” love, anyway. I was fine, completely objective and unaffected.
Now things are starting to affect me, apparently, because although I still talk about issues to Caitlin and Trank with that unbiased and untouchable attitude (usually), I dream about the rest with personal affectation. Cait told me this morning that I was muttering boys’ names and trying to text them on my phone. I actually held a conversation with her about them. What the hell?!
She could be bullshitting me, but I highly doubt it. (We do sleep together after all, there’s a certain level of trust there, haha.)
I am extremely uncomfortable with the thought that I have no control over my subconscious. It was like that after prom, too, when I was passed out from exhaustion on the couch. Grandma Merrill came over and I had a conversation with her while still sleeping. Heather called and apparently I told her I was sleeping, and I have no recollection of ever saying so.
I don’t want to be affected by anything to do with boys– I won’t fall in love, that’s preposterous and I don’t want to– but I can fall in like and I can feel offended and pressured and stressed about them. And quite honestly, they’re not worth it. I have other things I need to be accomplishing and focusing on doing. Boys should be at the bottom of the list.
So here is where I will steady my weakening resolve. I’m bringing back the Wall. Through my own willpower, I am going to return to the distant and unreachable facade I’d held earlier in the summer. I won’t care. And if I do, I hope it will freaking stay in the dark recesses of the night.
Voulez vous cocher avec moi, c’est soi
27 January 2009, 3:40 pm
Filed under:
My Explanations,
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a lot,
about,
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addiction,
all,
amusing,
angry,
apparently,
back,
because,
being,
bored,
broke,
broken,
can,
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looking,
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rank,
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small,
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stab,
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them,
think,
time,
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until,
very,
whenever,
word,
worryBeing angry and frustrated and sad about my own inadequacy is all peaches and cream, until I get bored with the routine. I am honestly very glad that I can feel miserable about it, because otherwise I’d worry that I was broken or something. The little stabby pains that trouble me whenever I think about how much I suck at life are really reassuring sometimes.
However, it gets old.
Yes, I know, I’m not as small or cute or (apparently) amusing as she is. And that rankles, just a lot. But what does it do to muse endlessly on it?
Maybe “engaging” is the word I’m looking for. She’s engaging all of the time. I only am when I feel like it.
But I’m done comparing myself. If I ever need a reassurance I’m human, I can think about them and feel the pang and then go back to normal life… but it’s like an addiction, you feel it once and get a little hooked. “Oooh (shudder), aren’t I pathetic? I’m so pretty and confident and intriguing and no one likes meeee!” is not the slogan I aim to present to the world.
So, fine. A kid I like I’m interested in has another girl in mind who I’m not going to bother openly competing against. I don’t want to make a fool out of myself being all seductive and acting differently because… because he likes someone else? We were getting along pretty well before I knew about her, we’ll get along fine for the rest of the time. No worries, no stress, and only occasionally with a little pinch of remorse at the lost chances.
Kick Drum Heart 