Filed under: college, Essays/School, My Day, Random Thoughts | Tags: air, because, blogging, blue, book, book club, books, brendan, bye, college, course, drizzle, english, eyes, fat, frankenstein, garden, gardening, gorgeous, gowanda high school, headache, home, hooome, house, jcc english, lab, mary shelley, melancholy, nickolas, outside, potter, propp, rain, reading, thoughts, throb, walk, weather, yellow
I want to go outside and take a walk. Despite the cooler air and rainy disposition of the weather, it’s still gorgeous and I feel like gardening. The chapter we had to read for Brendan’s book club talked about gardening. And Jarrett Stevens’ yellow Lab.
I miss my yellow Lab. Sweet fat Potter.
Oh well and the drizzle makes me melancholy.
I just finished my Frankennotes and they are sixteen pages long. Well, it’s a college course. She asked for my thoughts, and I gave them to her.
I have a headache. And yes, this is all pointless rambling but I really crave home right now and blogging is as close as I’m going to get until three. Assuming Nickolas can stay after. But my eyes are tired and my head is throbbing and like a little kid, I want to go hooome.
Maybe it’s because it’s sunk in that, next year, it will cease being my place. Granted I will always find a home there, but that blue house will become justahouse and my life will commence elsewhere. I want to absorb the family that we are now and the home we have together for the few short months it will remain as-is. Then I’ll be okay for the change. I hope.
I also hope that my best friend Nick isn’t staying. Then I can leave.
Well, it’s off to turn in Frankenstein. Bye.
Filed under: Events | Tags: !, asian, at the beach, audience, avett, avett brothers, banjo, bass, bob, bob crawford, bob the bass player, buffalo, buffalo rocks the harbor, bump on a log, cell, cell phone, cell phone illiterate, cello, concert, crazy, crowd, Damen, die die die, drum set, drums, energy, excellent, fan, fat, free, friends, front, fucking awesome, guitar, i and love and you, illiterate, ironically, irony, july 30, katie, kick-ass, lafayette, lafayette square, laundry room, live, marya, marya's mom, michelle, mom, music, phenomenal, phone, piano, picture, pudgy, queen city, scott, scott avett, security, security man, seth, seth avett, shove, shoved, show, stage, stand-up bass, standing, the avett brothers, thursday, thursday in the square, tia, trip, two hours, up front, waiting, wild
”
The Avett Brothers !
”
Scott & Seth Avett
”
… again. :D
The Avett Brothers rocked the shit out of Buffalo last night. They really did. I don’t think they expected to have such a massive fan base here– honestly, “Thursday in the Square” sounds like a farmer’s market.
But the crowd was wild. I stood with KT, Marya, Damen and Tia about three or four rows of people back from the stage, and holy shit did those Avetts have energy. Absolutely crazy. Bob and the Asian whose name I don’t know were great, too. They were just awesome. I wish they would have played “At the Beach” and maybe “Die Die Die” but other than that, I couldn’t have asked for a better show from them.
The crowd was stupid, as usual, though. These two pudgy girls (that’s not a diss on pudgy people, it’s a description and yes ok a slap to the two girls) blobbed their way in front of Damen and Tia, “looking for their friend.” Yeah, ok. We’d all been standing there waiting for over two hours to hear the fricken Avett Brothers and now they were taking up like five square feet in front of us. Katie and I were just to the right and a little behind Damen and Tia. So Tia starts dancing and jabbing at them with her elbows (a noteworthy tactic, I’d budged this one dumb woman who was standing next to me like a bump on a log that way earlier). And then these girls just start bitching her out, and the old guy next to Damen called them “real fucking classy” and then they left shortly thereafter. We were glad they were gone, but the fatter one shoved Tia as they waddled off and that pissed me off.
Oh well, though, because the music was stunning and the audience was nuts and the band was giving it all they had. If I ever (fingers crossed) have the opportunity to perform live with a band, I can only hope to have half as much energy and crowd appeal. They were soooo good.
That’s all for now, though, I have to go do laundry. Ha, ironically, “Laundry Room” just popped up on my playlist :)
I have one more picture that’s going to go up here later, too. Mom and Michelle were on the side of the stage way up front near the security man (they made friends with him, apparently) and they got a good one. But only one, since Mom is cell phone illiterate, haha.
Filed under: Events, My Day, Ranting | Tags: 100, admit, admitting, am, any, anyone, anyone else, anything, audition, auditions, awkward, balls, before, befuddled, believe, bogoroditze dievo radusia, bony, boy, break, breaking, broken, butt, can't, cannot, carefree, chair, chance, cheerful, cheery, chill, chilled, come on, confident, conversation, crush, crushed, crushes, crushing, decent, department, deserve, dickau, different, dirty, else, example, famine song, fat, fogrot, forget, forget it, forgot, friend, friendship, fun, go, grip, guy, happiness, happy, he, he'll make a way, heather, him, honest, honestly, hypothetical, hypothetically, imagine, just, kim, know, lack, lap, laugh, leg, legs, let's pretend, little, long, lots, make, me, mind, mr. fleischman, much, my, myself, naive, naturally, nice, no pressure, not, not confident, novice, obligation, obligations, oh, overthinking, pressure, pretend, rachmaninov, Ranting, raving, real, relationship, relationships, remark, remarks, right, sang, saw, scared, seat, secret, see, seeing, sing, singing, something, song, spoil, spoiled, success, sullied, talk, talking, them, there, thin, think, thinking, thinks, thought, too, too long, ugh, uncomfortable, unusual, voice, want, wanted, while, why?, wish, wished, with, without, worried, worries, worry, xylophone
Today was a success. Xylophone audition did not go as well as I wanted it to, but I got a 100 on my singing, and Heather and Mr. Fleischman were there, and it was nice seeing them.
Oh, uhg. Forget it, this is not what is honestly on my mind right now.
I want to know why I can’t be happy around a guy? I can spend time with him, and laugh, and that’s cheerful. But when it comes to doing something that’s not just talking, I get awkward, worried. I’m nervous. I’m not confident. I am scared.
And I think to myself, come on now, honestly. It’s not like you’ve never done anything before, and it’s not like you’re doing the dirty with him right now, you just chilled out with him for a while. No pressure.
But, take this as an example. Hypothetically, let’s pretend I go to sit on his lap. For lack of a chair, naturally. And let’s pretend that when I sat on his lap I worried about breaking his leg… is my butt too bony? Can he tell how much fat I have on my legs?
And then he (hypotheticall) remarks, “It seems like you’re uncomfortable, though…”
Get a grip, Kim. Or get a seat. A decent one.
I deserve a little happiness and carefree fun with a boy. I normally feel unusual admitting that I should get something, it is my right to have it.
But I do deserve to have a little fun. Without worrying about obligations or what he or anyone else thinks of me. I’ve had enough trouble in the guy department for too long to believe anything different. My only real relationship was spoiled and sullied. Any crushing I do is done in secret because I don’t want to ruin friendships or make conversation awkward.
But if I have a chance to make something of a friendship turned attraction, than shouldn’t I take it? I’m always ranting and raving about taking the initiative… where are my balls?
I don’t have any, but hypothetically let’s pretend I really should grow some and take that chance.
It might be completely worthless and I might be bullshitting myself into thinking that something could come of this. But free, unrestricted fun would be so welcome, so warranted. I’m busy and stressed and a strong and confident person. I’m not the sort most guys are attracted to. Come on, I might be blonde, but I’m not a stick and aside from being a good laugher, a good listener, and an okay joke-maker I have nothing appealing going for me. I have an ex-boyfriend that everyone knows about and disliked, and I made a fool (publicly) out of myself for him for the majority of last year. I’m not a slut but I can be kind of a smartass sometimes, which puts me at the bottom of any list of interesting prospects, naturally. I don’t do drugs or party (yet, I guess), so my reputation on that front is clean. To boys, I’d be boring. Maybe a little bit pretty, because my hair’s kind of cool, but generally uninteresting and unintriguing.
Therefore, if I have an opportunity to change that… shouldn’t I?
I don’t want him to take up a huge part of my life, because my life revolves around my family, friends, and school. And success. I’m ambitious. But I’m worried that if I take a step out onto this particular limb, I’ll fall straight off the tree, and fall hard. I don’t want to be falling for anyone. It’s a crush, an interest, and that’s all it is. Nothing serious, but it’s got possibility. What if I make it serious, though? It’s so habitual to just gravitate toward the intense, serious, straight-faced attitude.
Why? Have I been brainwashed into thinking that serious is good? I want a lighthearted relationship that feels nothing like a relationship! A friendship, with benefits.
But then again, do I really? Didn’t I like the bonding, the adoration?
Ehh. I could live without it right now. It’s too reminiscient of last year’s catastrophes. A carefree series of rendezvous would be just fine with me.
The end.
Kick Drum Heart 