Not so swell
4 August 2009, 10:55 pm
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yesMy first thought upon logging onto wordpress was, yes! I have spam!
It really doesn’t matter to me about receiving views and comments and whatever. I mean, this is for me to write and ramble on, and if someone happens to stumble across it and like it (or not like it) then great.
But I’d forgotten how cheering it is to know that someone actually saw the page. Someone’s checking in, someone cares. It makes me smile.
On a different hand, I’ve had a constant headache today. I don’t know if it’s the shift in energy– with Caitlin here everything seems more exaggerated, more energized, and I’m not used to that kind of hyperactivity. I’m usually a laid-back kind of girl, unless something needs to get done. Then I’m driven, but not (usually) to the point of frenzy. The house has been a whirlwind of frenzy lately.
So, I’m ready for some downtime. I’ll admit it. I’m just tired and achy and a little pissed. Why pissed? one might wonder.
Well, I guess I’m not really angry, per se. Just a little peeved. But when you suggest making plans with someone and then never get back to them, it’s irksome to the one you don’t get back to. Translation: goddammit, if I said I’d text you back about the plans we were going to have, I fricken would. No question. I don’t leave a friend hanging.
And I guess I was left hanging.
It doesn’t matter, and I’m not cranky because oh no, he might not “like” me. I’m cranky because it’s simple common courtesy to say if the plans won’t work out. And I’m not bitching about bad manners, necessarily, but I’d do it for my friends. I’d tell them when something was going to fall through.
Oh, yeah, and I have bug bites effing everywhere and I’m itching like the dickens. It’s too warm and I feel disgusting and did I mention I have a headache?
I’m going to bed. And hopefully just go right to sleep instead of brooding over issues I have no control over and will only constantly think on if I don’t.
For Aida and Amneris
29 January 2009, 7:54 pm
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zoserI was just listening to “Written in the Stars,” from “AIDA.”
I got chills and felt like crying. The music. The characters. The loss of the part I thought I was perfect for, the discovery of my true talents, plus actually performing the show. All of these made it a life-changing experience for me.
It’s funny that it all hits me now, months and months afterward.
I originally received a copy of the Broadway cast recording in February 2008. I was just recovering from my first “real” breakup from a “serious” relationship, and the music helped me regain some sense of power, control, individuality and self-possession. It also allowed me to regain my dignity.
Later that year, I “hung out” with the same guy, and when he acted like a dickhead, I put up with it, then went home and listened to Heather Headley pour Aida’s soul into my ears, and into my heart. The character is so powerful– a strong woman, a queen. Very headstrong and opinionated, but she fell in love. As star-crossed as they were, they found happiness together.
It really sucks being a headstrong, opinionated, hopeless romantic. Despite the bullshit I had waded thigh-high into in my actual life, I could listen to “Elaborate Lives” and feel Radames’ and Aida’s love wash over me. Sometimes those songs made me think that my own relationships could be so sweet. Ha, at that point in time, I was really, really naive. But that’s not the point.
When auditions rolled around, I was dead-set on getting Aida. I felt like I KNEW her, I wanted to be her. I knew I could convey the passion I felt for her situation on stage. In my mind I saw Observer headlines, envisioned Heather Headley and Elton John sojourning to Gowanda. I vividly pictured a stage decked out in Egyptian finery, with myself in the center, belting out the injustice of slavery and the guilt I felt for endangering my people.
One of my best friends got the part.
I was shunted (in my mind) to the role of Amneris, the Egyptian princess head-over-heels for fashion and for her fiance Radames. Amneris is really shunted in the musical– Radames would rather be with Aida. Amneris undergoes a one-eighty degree turnaround from light-hearted and air-headed diva to heartbroken, powerful ruler.
I fell in love with Amneris’ character, too. It was unexpected, and it was a smaller role. But I had a million and one costume changes, some phenomenal singing and acting coaching…
And when I sang, when I stood in the middle of the stage with tears wet on my face and sang about love and loss, worthlessness, waste and a shattered heart, I felt Amneris. Her story became a part of me, as much as my eyes or my fingernails. It’s generally observed that Aida was the strong one. And she was strong.
But Amneris was strong, too. Immeasurably so. She withstood her pain, overcame it, survived. And made her life a success. Maybe she knew love later, maybe she never did. But she made her country a better place and she held a life lesson in her heart for the rest of her life.
“Aida,” and the life lessons that accompanied the show (from February to November to now) will stay with me for the rest of my life. When I’m eighteen or eighty with my own lover or sixteen cats, I will remember “Aida” as the most moving show I have ever performed in high school; I will remember it for its powerful and inspirational leads. I will remember it because Aida and Amneris represent both sides of love, and of life. And since I intend to love, and live, they represent me.
Satisfied
24 January 2009, 10:39 pm
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xylophoneToday was a success. Xylophone audition did not go as well as I wanted it to, but I got a 100 on my singing, and Heather and Mr. Fleischman were there, and it was nice seeing them.
Oh, uhg. Forget it, this is not what is honestly on my mind right now.
I want to know why I can’t be happy around a guy? I can spend time with him, and laugh, and that’s cheerful. But when it comes to doing something that’s not just talking, I get awkward, worried. I’m nervous. I’m not confident. I am scared.
And I think to myself, come on now, honestly. It’s not like you’ve never done anything before, and it’s not like you’re doing the dirty with him right now, you just chilled out with him for a while. No pressure.
But, take this as an example. Hypothetically, let’s pretend I go to sit on his lap. For lack of a chair, naturally. And let’s pretend that when I sat on his lap I worried about breaking his leg… is my butt too bony? Can he tell how much fat I have on my legs?
And then he (hypotheticall) remarks, “It seems like you’re uncomfortable, though…”
Get a grip, Kim. Or get a seat. A decent one.
I deserve a little happiness and carefree fun with a boy. I normally feel unusual admitting that I should get something, it is my right to have it.
But I do deserve to have a little fun. Without worrying about obligations or what he or anyone else thinks of me. I’ve had enough trouble in the guy department for too long to believe anything different. My only real relationship was spoiled and sullied. Any crushing I do is done in secret because I don’t want to ruin friendships or make conversation awkward.
But if I have a chance to make something of a friendship turned attraction, than shouldn’t I take it? I’m always ranting and raving about taking the initiative… where are my balls?
I don’t have any, but hypothetically let’s pretend I really should grow some and take that chance.
It might be completely worthless and I might be bullshitting myself into thinking that something could come of this. But free, unrestricted fun would be so welcome, so warranted. I’m busy and stressed and a strong and confident person. I’m not the sort most guys are attracted to. Come on, I might be blonde, but I’m not a stick and aside from being a good laugher, a good listener, and an okay joke-maker I have nothing appealing going for me. I have an ex-boyfriend that everyone knows about and disliked, and I made a fool (publicly) out of myself for him for the majority of last year. I’m not a slut but I can be kind of a smartass sometimes, which puts me at the bottom of any list of interesting prospects, naturally. I don’t do drugs or party (yet, I guess), so my reputation on that front is clean. To boys, I’d be boring. Maybe a little bit pretty, because my hair’s kind of cool, but generally uninteresting and unintriguing.
Therefore, if I have an opportunity to change that… shouldn’t I?
I don’t want him to take up a huge part of my life, because my life revolves around my family, friends, and school. And success. I’m ambitious. But I’m worried that if I take a step out onto this particular limb, I’ll fall straight off the tree, and fall hard. I don’t want to be falling for anyone. It’s a crush, an interest, and that’s all it is. Nothing serious, but it’s got possibility. What if I make it serious, though? It’s so habitual to just gravitate toward the intense, serious, straight-faced attitude.
Why? Have I been brainwashed into thinking that serious is good? I want a lighthearted relationship that feels nothing like a relationship! A friendship, with benefits.
But then again, do I really? Didn’t I like the bonding, the adoration?
Ehh. I could live without it right now. It’s too reminiscient of last year’s catastrophes. A carefree series of rendezvous would be just fine with me.
The end.
Kick Drum Heart 
Filed under: My Day, My Explanations, Random Thoughts, Ranting | Tags: achy, angry, bad manners, bed, bitching, bug bites, caitlin, cares, checking in, cheering, comment, comments, common courtest, constant, constantly, dickens, different, disgusting, doesn't matter, done, downtime, driven, energized, energy, everywhere, exaggerated, fall through, first, forgotten, frenzy, friend, get back to them, girl, goddammit, going to bed, great, hand, hanging, headache, hopefully, hyper, hyperactive, hyperactivity, i would, i'd tell them, irksome, issues, itching, laid-back, left, like, like the dickens, logging on, lose control, matter, needs, never, no control, no question, not crank y, not like, not necessarily, not used, oh no, page, peeved, per se, pissed, plans, ramble, said, saw, say, shift, sleep, smile, spam, stumble, suggest, think, thought, tired, too warm, translation, usually, views, whirlwind, won't work out, wonder, wordpress, write, yes
My first thought upon logging onto wordpress was, yes! I have spam!
It really doesn’t matter to me about receiving views and comments and whatever. I mean, this is for me to write and ramble on, and if someone happens to stumble across it and like it (or not like it) then great.
But I’d forgotten how cheering it is to know that someone actually saw the page. Someone’s checking in, someone cares. It makes me smile.
On a different hand, I’ve had a constant headache today. I don’t know if it’s the shift in energy– with Caitlin here everything seems more exaggerated, more energized, and I’m not used to that kind of hyperactivity. I’m usually a laid-back kind of girl, unless something needs to get done. Then I’m driven, but not (usually) to the point of frenzy. The house has been a whirlwind of frenzy lately.
So, I’m ready for some downtime. I’ll admit it. I’m just tired and achy and a little pissed. Why pissed? one might wonder.
Well, I guess I’m not really angry, per se. Just a little peeved. But when you suggest making plans with someone and then never get back to them, it’s irksome to the one you don’t get back to. Translation: goddammit, if I said I’d text you back about the plans we were going to have, I fricken would. No question. I don’t leave a friend hanging.
And I guess I was left hanging.
It doesn’t matter, and I’m not cranky because oh no, he might not “like” me. I’m cranky because it’s simple common courtesy to say if the plans won’t work out. And I’m not bitching about bad manners, necessarily, but I’d do it for my friends. I’d tell them when something was going to fall through.
Oh, yeah, and I have bug bites effing everywhere and I’m itching like the dickens. It’s too warm and I feel disgusting and did I mention I have a headache?
I’m going to bed. And hopefully just go right to sleep instead of brooding over issues I have no control over and will only constantly think on if I don’t.