Filed under: Events, My Day, Ranting | Tags: 100, admit, admitting, am, any, anyone, anyone else, anything, audition, auditions, awkward, balls, before, befuddled, believe, bogoroditze dievo radusia, bony, boy, break, breaking, broken, butt, can't, cannot, carefree, chair, chance, cheerful, cheery, chill, chilled, come on, confident, conversation, crush, crushed, crushes, crushing, decent, department, deserve, dickau, different, dirty, else, example, famine song, fat, fogrot, forget, forget it, forgot, friend, friendship, fun, go, grip, guy, happiness, happy, he, he'll make a way, heather, him, honest, honestly, hypothetical, hypothetically, imagine, just, kim, know, lack, lap, laugh, leg, legs, let's pretend, little, long, lots, make, me, mind, mr. fleischman, much, my, myself, naive, naturally, nice, no pressure, not, not confident, novice, obligation, obligations, oh, overthinking, pressure, pretend, rachmaninov, Ranting, raving, real, relationship, relationships, remark, remarks, right, sang, saw, scared, seat, secret, see, seeing, sing, singing, something, song, spoil, spoiled, success, sullied, talk, talking, them, there, thin, think, thinking, thinks, thought, too, too long, ugh, uncomfortable, unusual, voice, want, wanted, while, why?, wish, wished, with, without, worried, worries, worry, xylophone
Today was a success. Xylophone audition did not go as well as I wanted it to, but I got a 100 on my singing, and Heather and Mr. Fleischman were there, and it was nice seeing them.
Oh, uhg. Forget it, this is not what is honestly on my mind right now.
I want to know why I can’t be happy around a guy? I can spend time with him, and laugh, and that’s cheerful. But when it comes to doing something that’s not just talking, I get awkward, worried. I’m nervous. I’m not confident. I am scared.
And I think to myself, come on now, honestly. It’s not like you’ve never done anything before, and it’s not like you’re doing the dirty with him right now, you just chilled out with him for a while. No pressure.
But, take this as an example. Hypothetically, let’s pretend I go to sit on his lap. For lack of a chair, naturally. And let’s pretend that when I sat on his lap I worried about breaking his leg… is my butt too bony? Can he tell how much fat I have on my legs?
And then he (hypotheticall) remarks, “It seems like you’re uncomfortable, though…”
Get a grip, Kim. Or get a seat. A decent one.
I deserve a little happiness and carefree fun with a boy. I normally feel unusual admitting that I should get something, it is my right to have it.
But I do deserve to have a little fun. Without worrying about obligations or what he or anyone else thinks of me. I’ve had enough trouble in the guy department for too long to believe anything different. My only real relationship was spoiled and sullied. Any crushing I do is done in secret because I don’t want to ruin friendships or make conversation awkward.
But if I have a chance to make something of a friendship turned attraction, than shouldn’t I take it? I’m always ranting and raving about taking the initiative… where are my balls?
I don’t have any, but hypothetically let’s pretend I really should grow some and take that chance.
It might be completely worthless and I might be bullshitting myself into thinking that something could come of this. But free, unrestricted fun would be so welcome, so warranted. I’m busy and stressed and a strong and confident person. I’m not the sort most guys are attracted to. Come on, I might be blonde, but I’m not a stick and aside from being a good laugher, a good listener, and an okay joke-maker I have nothing appealing going for me. I have an ex-boyfriend that everyone knows about and disliked, and I made a fool (publicly) out of myself for him for the majority of last year. I’m not a slut but I can be kind of a smartass sometimes, which puts me at the bottom of any list of interesting prospects, naturally. I don’t do drugs or party (yet, I guess), so my reputation on that front is clean. To boys, I’d be boring. Maybe a little bit pretty, because my hair’s kind of cool, but generally uninteresting and unintriguing.
Therefore, if I have an opportunity to change that… shouldn’t I?
I don’t want him to take up a huge part of my life, because my life revolves around my family, friends, and school. And success. I’m ambitious. But I’m worried that if I take a step out onto this particular limb, I’ll fall straight off the tree, and fall hard. I don’t want to be falling for anyone. It’s a crush, an interest, and that’s all it is. Nothing serious, but it’s got possibility. What if I make it serious, though? It’s so habitual to just gravitate toward the intense, serious, straight-faced attitude.
Why? Have I been brainwashed into thinking that serious is good? I want a lighthearted relationship that feels nothing like a relationship! A friendship, with benefits.
But then again, do I really? Didn’t I like the bonding, the adoration?
Ehh. I could live without it right now. It’s too reminiscient of last year’s catastrophes. A carefree series of rendezvous would be just fine with me.
The end.
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I feel a little like writing. Maybe not just the blog today; mayve I’ll pick up a pen or a story outline and set to. Who knows?
Anything’s possible today, though… we have a snow day.
Ha, don’t think I haven’t noticed my own change in attitude toward the days off. Friday was shitty; today is marvelous.
It’s exceptionally marvelous because I mayormaynothave lost my National Honor Society folder and binder, and my voice lesson materials… they are definitely floating around here somewhere, but in all of my hectic cleaning haze, I must have misplaced them.
You know what’s excellent? I have all day to find them. I looked for them last night amidst a cloud of panic, then finally resorted to sleeping and hoping their location would come to me in a dream or hallucination or something. As it is, I did have a restless night, which is why I was up so early today, but I still have no freakin’ clue where my missing materials might be. I am cheerfully planning to conduct a large-scale search for them…. later.
I think it was the addition to something fun to my schedule that put me in a good mood. All last week it was “go, go, go”– and I honestly felt like I was the hamster in the little wheel: trying to go but simply turning round and round in the same exact place. I didn’t think I was trying hard enough, but the more I tried to push myself to get things done, the more frustrated and exhausted and befuddled I became.
But then I cleaned the house, and spent some time chilling (literally) with friends, and voila. Good mood is back again. Maybe that’s key– the friends and fun thing. If it is, though, then why am I constantly being reminded, no fun until the work is done?
Oh, well. I’m happy this morning, and once I find my runaway papers, I’ll be happy tomorrow morning, too. So bring on the snow days, I’m ready for anything.
Kick Drum Heart 