Filed under: Events, My Day, Ranting | Tags: 100, admit, admitting, am, any, anyone, anyone else, anything, audition, auditions, awkward, balls, before, befuddled, believe, bogoroditze dievo radusia, bony, boy, break, breaking, broken, butt, can't, cannot, carefree, chair, chance, cheerful, cheery, chill, chilled, come on, confident, conversation, crush, crushed, crushes, crushing, decent, department, deserve, dickau, different, dirty, else, example, famine song, fat, fogrot, forget, forget it, forgot, friend, friendship, fun, go, grip, guy, happiness, happy, he, he'll make a way, heather, him, honest, honestly, hypothetical, hypothetically, imagine, just, kim, know, lack, lap, laugh, leg, legs, let's pretend, little, long, lots, make, me, mind, mr. fleischman, much, my, myself, naive, naturally, nice, no pressure, not, not confident, novice, obligation, obligations, oh, overthinking, pressure, pretend, rachmaninov, Ranting, raving, real, relationship, relationships, remark, remarks, right, sang, saw, scared, seat, secret, see, seeing, sing, singing, something, song, spoil, spoiled, success, sullied, talk, talking, them, there, thin, think, thinking, thinks, thought, too, too long, ugh, uncomfortable, unusual, voice, want, wanted, while, why?, wish, wished, with, without, worried, worries, worry, xylophone
Today was a success. Xylophone audition did not go as well as I wanted it to, but I got a 100 on my singing, and Heather and Mr. Fleischman were there, and it was nice seeing them.
Oh, uhg. Forget it, this is not what is honestly on my mind right now.
I want to know why I can’t be happy around a guy? I can spend time with him, and laugh, and that’s cheerful. But when it comes to doing something that’s not just talking, I get awkward, worried. I’m nervous. I’m not confident. I am scared.
And I think to myself, come on now, honestly. It’s not like you’ve never done anything before, and it’s not like you’re doing the dirty with him right now, you just chilled out with him for a while. No pressure.
But, take this as an example. Hypothetically, let’s pretend I go to sit on his lap. For lack of a chair, naturally. And let’s pretend that when I sat on his lap I worried about breaking his leg… is my butt too bony? Can he tell how much fat I have on my legs?
And then he (hypotheticall) remarks, “It seems like you’re uncomfortable, though…”
Get a grip, Kim. Or get a seat. A decent one.
I deserve a little happiness and carefree fun with a boy. I normally feel unusual admitting that I should get something, it is my right to have it.
But I do deserve to have a little fun. Without worrying about obligations or what he or anyone else thinks of me. I’ve had enough trouble in the guy department for too long to believe anything different. My only real relationship was spoiled and sullied. Any crushing I do is done in secret because I don’t want to ruin friendships or make conversation awkward.
But if I have a chance to make something of a friendship turned attraction, than shouldn’t I take it? I’m always ranting and raving about taking the initiative… where are my balls?
I don’t have any, but hypothetically let’s pretend I really should grow some and take that chance.
It might be completely worthless and I might be bullshitting myself into thinking that something could come of this. But free, unrestricted fun would be so welcome, so warranted. I’m busy and stressed and a strong and confident person. I’m not the sort most guys are attracted to. Come on, I might be blonde, but I’m not a stick and aside from being a good laugher, a good listener, and an okay joke-maker I have nothing appealing going for me. I have an ex-boyfriend that everyone knows about and disliked, and I made a fool (publicly) out of myself for him for the majority of last year. I’m not a slut but I can be kind of a smartass sometimes, which puts me at the bottom of any list of interesting prospects, naturally. I don’t do drugs or party (yet, I guess), so my reputation on that front is clean. To boys, I’d be boring. Maybe a little bit pretty, because my hair’s kind of cool, but generally uninteresting and unintriguing.
Therefore, if I have an opportunity to change that… shouldn’t I?
I don’t want him to take up a huge part of my life, because my life revolves around my family, friends, and school. And success. I’m ambitious. But I’m worried that if I take a step out onto this particular limb, I’ll fall straight off the tree, and fall hard. I don’t want to be falling for anyone. It’s a crush, an interest, and that’s all it is. Nothing serious, but it’s got possibility. What if I make it serious, though? It’s so habitual to just gravitate toward the intense, serious, straight-faced attitude.
Why? Have I been brainwashed into thinking that serious is good? I want a lighthearted relationship that feels nothing like a relationship! A friendship, with benefits.
But then again, do I really? Didn’t I like the bonding, the adoration?
Ehh. I could live without it right now. It’s too reminiscient of last year’s catastrophes. A carefree series of rendezvous would be just fine with me.
The end.
Filed under: Events, My Day, My Explanations, Random Thoughts | Tags: adjudication, adjudicator, all county, antiphon, audition, auditions, bogoroditze dievo radusia, breath, breaths, call, calling, chat, chatting, chill, cold, college, colleges, could, cross, deep, deep breaths, dickau, dogs, drive, driveway, famine song, fingers, fun, going, guess, ha, he'll make a way, hope, hours, i, if music be the food of love, literally, look, me, mom, money, mother, nerves, nyssma, nysssa, outside, paid, pay, practice, pretty, puke, rachmaninov, room, score, scores, sheets, sing, singing, solo, somewhere, stand, standing, stood, student, student's, them, thought, throw, throw up, tomorrow, vida, voice, vomit, warm, warm up, whatever, wish, wood, woods, xylophone, your
All county auditions are tomorrow. I guess, according to Robin, NYSSSA auditions are, too, because she thought I was doing one.. and I’m not. Ha ha. I wish I was. I wish I could.
But all county will be fun, and colleges won’t care if I don’t get into NYSSSA or whatever, they’re going to look and see my audition scores and NYSSMA adjudication sheets… at least, I hope so.
I am going to go practice the xylophone in my room as soon as I warm up. The dogs decided to chill (quite literally) in the woods somewhere for a few hours and mom and I were out calling for them. Then my student’s mother came and paid me, and we stood chatting in the driveway for a long while. It’s pretty cold outside.
Now I am going to practice, before nerves make me throw up. Hopefully auditions and the play tomorrow go well. Deep breaths, deep breaths, and cross your fingers.
Filed under: My Day, Random Thoughts | Tags: all day, anything, attitude, befuddled, binder, blog, chill, chilling, Christmas, cleaning, clue, cold, day, december, done, dream, Dreams, early, excellent, exhaused, find, folder, freezing, friday, friend, friends, frigid, frustrated, frustration, fun, good mood, hallucination, hamster, happy, haze, hectic, hope, house, later, location, lost, marvelous, misplaced, monday, national honor society, nhs, night, no, outline, panic, pen, possibilities, procrastination, ready, restless, runaway, shitty, sleep, sleeping, snow, snow day, story, today, tomorrow, vanished, voila, wheel, winter, work, Writing
I feel a little like writing. Maybe not just the blog today; mayve I’ll pick up a pen or a story outline and set to. Who knows?
Anything’s possible today, though… we have a snow day.
Ha, don’t think I haven’t noticed my own change in attitude toward the days off. Friday was shitty; today is marvelous.
It’s exceptionally marvelous because I mayormaynothave lost my National Honor Society folder and binder, and my voice lesson materials… they are definitely floating around here somewhere, but in all of my hectic cleaning haze, I must have misplaced them.
You know what’s excellent? I have all day to find them. I looked for them last night amidst a cloud of panic, then finally resorted to sleeping and hoping their location would come to me in a dream or hallucination or something. As it is, I did have a restless night, which is why I was up so early today, but I still have no freakin’ clue where my missing materials might be. I am cheerfully planning to conduct a large-scale search for them…. later.
I think it was the addition to something fun to my schedule that put me in a good mood. All last week it was “go, go, go”– and I honestly felt like I was the hamster in the little wheel: trying to go but simply turning round and round in the same exact place. I didn’t think I was trying hard enough, but the more I tried to push myself to get things done, the more frustrated and exhausted and befuddled I became.
But then I cleaned the house, and spent some time chilling (literally) with friends, and voila. Good mood is back again. Maybe that’s key– the friends and fun thing. If it is, though, then why am I constantly being reminded, no fun until the work is done?
Oh, well. I’m happy this morning, and once I find my runaway papers, I’ll be happy tomorrow morning, too. So bring on the snow days, I’m ready for anything.
Filed under: Events | Tags: afterparty, annoyed, bet, chill, college, cool, coronation, Dreams, explanation, fantastic, five, friends, fun, funkytown, gay, homecoming, ignore, kevin brown, letdown, nice, party, shut up, stupid, timmy ho's, unnecesssary, wasn't, well..., why?
I hate feeling like I need to act a certain way around someone just because others expect me to act that way.
If I want to hug someone, I’m going to go hug them. If I want to push someone into another person so they’ll dance together, I’ll do it (even if that attempt was unsuccessful). : )
And if I want to ignore someone, I’m damn well going to.
I am, by no means, required to acknowledge anyone. If I wanted to act like a jerk, I could treat everyone like they were below me. I could patronize my friends and act like a pompous asshole.
I could if I wanted to, but I don’t. I generally like people. I mean, if someone treats me rudely, I’ll ignore them, because it would appear to me as if they don’t care. If they don’t care, I usually don’t, either. But I’ve learned to expect anything from anyone, because you never know when someone will surprise you.
However, if I choose to ignore someone who I’ve already been surprised by (multiple times), I don’t require an explanation for my behavior. Bitches.
Last night, I went to a friend’s house after homecoming and a visit to Timmy Ho’s: it eventually ended up being nice because I was with Emma, Hannah, and Stephen (and Derrek for a little while). but also pretty gay, because by the time Ben and Craig left, Derrek had to leave too, so we sat there afterward and chilled. Chillfully. Okay, cool. I don’t mind that. But it could have been so much more fun, and it wasn’t. The whole first hour and a half there I sat and thought, Wow, please shut up.
Why? Because I don’t give a shit if some college girl took a dump in the middle of a hallway. Believe it or not, that kind of grosses me out.
It was freaking homecoming, and we got to hear badly-delivered “funny” stories from the grown-up college boys. Were the stories supposed to be impressive? Funny? Interesting? Was I somehow supposed to be eager to go to college all of a sudden, or what?
Ennui took over. I texted, and sat in the same chair as Stephen, who also texted. The entire time.
And as much as I wanted to stay over at Hannah’s, I guess I was glad to have gone home. I got in the car, lost a five dollar bet, cleaned the bathroom (which had been messy after a rushed getting-ready party) and deflated the air mattress, then fell asleep listening to Funkytown, which for some reason was playing at 1:45 in the morning. I replaced lyrics with “won’t you take me to– Kevin Brooooown” and drifted into dreamland. There, I had an interesting dream involving some grinding, a brown floor, and a guy in a blue shirt.
But except for the beginning of coronation and the beginning of the afterparty, homecoming was faaaantastic. I had fun, and in the long run, that’s what I’m going to remember, instead of being annoyed.
Kick Drum Heart 