Missing, my heart
24 September 2009, 4:46 pm
Filed under:
My Day,
My Explanations | Tags:
accompanies,
change,
changes,
early,
emily,
focused,
heart,
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hello dolly!,
hurts,
i miss summer,
kevin,
lack thereof,
laid-back,
miserable,
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mr. lerew,
not focused,
opportunities,
people,
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the avett brothers,
timeI’ve decided I miss summer.
I miss the light-hearted freedom that accompanies every inhalation.
I miss the endless, constant green. I miss the breezes that seem to blow cool air straight from the beach (and not the part with dead fish sweating on the shoreline, either).
I miss the time when the Avett Brothers could make me happy with one light stroke of a pick across nickel wire.
I miss talking to people instead of hearing talk about them. I miss sleep. I miss “Hello, Dolly” and Emily and Kevin and I freaking miss Mr. Lerew.
I miss the changes I thought were going to happen that didn’t. I miss the opportunities I’ve wasted so far because I can’t function on so little sleep and am not focused.
I miss the comfort I once had, that placated the cynicism that keeps trying to corrode my mind. I miss the soothing calm of peace. I miss early mornings filled with sunrise and the laid-back mindset that accompanies not having to do anything.
I miss these things and people so damn much my heart hurts. Just feels like it’s aching and throbbing and is just going to jump out of my chest. It’s so miserable, it wants out.
I miss summer.
And, I guess
26 January 2009, 11:13 pm
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Ranting | Tags:
after,
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Writing,
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wrongI suppose it was just a speculation of mine. You know, a thought. A random inconvenient fantastical idea, that floated in from nowhere. I wouldn’t sound so dramatic, but I’m practicing my writing for the stupid English Regents tomorrow.
But simply put, that means: I guess I just got my hopes up.
It wasn’t a big deal, realizing that, oh-hey, there goes a possibiolity of a fun time. Of course, nothing is really a big deal when it comes to me and guys. I don’t have big deals, or drama. I don’t get upset. It’s “whatever” and “it doesn’t matter” and “who will I take an interest in next?”
Right. Okay, so, who will it be.
I don’t want to think about that right now. I don’t really want to dwell on my failure as a girl, my failure at attractiveness, at witty repartee. I don’t ever like to sit and nurse a wound that will heal easily and soon.
But I don’t want to fail to notice my own sad attempts at femininity. The long blonde hair really does nothing for me, nor do the blue eyes, obscenely long lashes, curvy frame or even smile. Maybe it’s the laugh that turns them off, maybe my cheerfulness is just too obnoxious to behold for any length of time. Maybe the flirting was just that.
Sure. I can deal with that. I won’t think any more on the fact that I’m completely undesirable, too outspoken for my own good, and when the time is right to comment, I refrain. I refuse to pause any longer over my inadequacies as a determined but unsuccessful interested party.
So what if my laugh is too loud, my comments too sharp? So what if I say the wrong thing once or twice, or I’m less appealing than she is?
If I’m too big, I’m too big.
If I’m too smart, I’m too smart.
If I’m only a focus of amusement and flirtation, then I’d do better to focus my own attentions elsewhere.
But this could have been my chance. I let myself believe that, hey, this could be the rebound I’ve been searching for. The connection that pulled me out of ex-infested waters and into a lifeboat built with lighthearted gaiety and a less depressing spirit.
But it’s no big deal. I’ll get over it.
If I’m too romantic and hopeful, I’ve just got to suck it up.
Kick Drum Heart 