Filed under: Random Thoughts, Writing | Tags: anything, away, basis, blog, breath, change, college, consciousness, daily, damned, desperately, don't, eager, enter, everything, evolve, evolved, experience, fail, family, few, final, friends, future, gowanda, guitar, guitar riffs, happen, high school, hit me, individual, jam, jamming, last, lately, leave, left, life, living, made, make, make the most of it, making, mark, me, mind, miss, mold, moment, my mark, my own, new, not, nothing, offer, old, one, own, person, possibilities, preparing, queen, riffs, same, school, seeing, senior, sense, short, so they say, stream of consciousness, succeed, terrified, terror, think, thinking, time, transition, want, wasted, weeks, what if?, will be, write, Writing, year, young, youth
As I sit here jamming to the piercing guitar riffs of Queen, I think on the possibilities the future has to offer. What’s new, right? I do that on a daily basis. Lately, though, it’s started to hit me… in a few short weeks I will be considered a senior, or at least in the transition to one. I will be preparing to enter my final year of high school.
I don’t want to! But in the same breath I do; I desperately, desperately do. I want to go out to experience what life has to offer, I want to leave my mark on the world. I want to be my own person, my own individual.
But I’ll miss not living with my family and seeing my friends daily when I’m away in college. I know I will make new friends, but what of the old ones? What will happen?
Anything can happen in that last year of school. Everything or nothing can change me, mold me into the person I will be when I leave for college.
I’m eager, and yet I’m terrified. What if I fail? Or, what if I succeed?
I know I’m not making much sense at the moment, but I didn’t start this blog with a set sense of what I wanted to write about in mind. It just kind of evolved with my stream of consciousness.
In any case, I want to make the most of what time I have left in Gowanda. “Youth is wasted on the young,” they say. Well, I’ll be damned if it’s wasted on me.
Filed under: Events, music, My Day, My Explanations, Random Thoughts, Ranting, Writing | Tags: acoustic, acoustic guitar, advanced art, all state, all state solos, along, always, Andy McKee, ap, ap test, ap us history, art, audition, auditioning, away, bambi, baseball, baseball game, boys, can't, chem, chemistry, class, compelled, could, damn it, date, do or die, drift, drifting, drowning, dumb, essay, everyone, exhausted, exnay, explain, fail, feel, float, fond, fricken awesome, grade, guitar, ha ha, happening, have to, hello dolly!, history test, hollywood happening, hollywood theatre, home, importance, important, keep from drowning, keep going, kicker, legit, legitimately, let, level 6, level six, McKee, mention, move, muscles, music, musical, new, nice weather, nyssma, nyssma solo festival, nyssma solofest, out of it, percussion, percussive, pictures, puccini, pushing myself, relax, right now, rimsky-korsakov, shit, shit to do, song, stay home, strain, strains, stress, stressed, stressful, study, sweep, sweet, sweetness, tide, time passes, tired, treading water, try out, tryout, tryouts, twitterpate, twitterpated, unfortunate, until, up, varsity panthers baseball, vocal, voice, want, water, weather, wednesday, weekend, what's new?, why?, wish, wordpress, xylo, xylophone, yearbook
I wish I could do that right now. Just drift, float along the strains and percussive sweetness of Andy McKee’s fricken awesome song. But I can’t. Even though I feel stressed and out of it and tired, and like I’m just treading water until time passes, I can’t relax and let the tide sweep me away. I have to keep going, pushing myself and my muscles to move, to keep me from drowning.
I have sooo much shit to do. What’s new, right? But this time, it’s do or die. If I don’t bring my chem grade up, I am legitimately, for the first time in my life, going to fail a course. And I really want to get into Advanced Art. AND musical tryouts are coming up, and NYSSMA solofest is the weekend of the Hollywood Happening, and I am auditioning on level 6 All State solos for xylo and voice. And the kicker? I have an AP US History test this Wednesday, and hardly any time to study for it. Except right now. Ha ha. I have to go to a baseball game and take pictures shortly, also. Maybe I’ll beg off to stay home and study, but then mom would be confused and I’d have to explain the date and importance of that dumb AP test.
Oh, and did I mention boys? Always at the busiest times in my life I start to get exceptionally fond of them, and then I get even more strained. I think it’s the nice weather, everyone’s twitterpated. Ha, I love Bambi. :) But yeah. So, stress. Now I’m being compelled off of wordpress and toward my Advanced Art essay. Damn it, why can’t I just drift away?
Filed under: Events, My Day, My Explanations | Tags: at least, boisterous, bones, book, carry, conclusions, cried, cry, december 26, dog, easy, everything, experience, experiences, fact, fail, family, fifty, giant, goal, goals, grizz, grogan, home, husband, initiative, innocent, jennifer grogan, john grogan, katie, knees, lab, labrador retriever, life, long-term, love, marley, marley & me, marley and me, mascara, me, michelle, molley, molley grace, mom, movie, music, mutt, new year's, personality, plan, plans, poignant, potter, resolution, scared, school, sexy, shaking, story, sweet, teach, teaching, tears, terrified, terror, theater, touching, try, unconditional, unsatisfied, vocalist, who knows?, who will?, willpower, years, yellow lab
I went with Katie, Michelle, and Mom to see “Marley and Me” in theatres today.
I cried.
It’s the story of a yellow lab whose eating habits and boisterous personality drive the Grogan family to insanity and to laughter in turns. I loved it. The dog is so sweet and innocent. And loves his family unconditionally, as good dogs do. It was a touching and poignant story and I was fully prepared to brutally knee the jerk that called it “cheesy” in the balls, but that would have meant charging over to him with the tears still wet on my face and mascara smeared down the side of my head. I looked a little torn up. We all did. The movie evoked almost every human emotion available and left me feeling like a used dishrag.
The entire time, I couldn’t stop thinking of our own yellow labrador, Potter, and how loyal and loving she’s been even though our family is one that’s constantly in motion and only home long enough (as a rule) to let the dogs out to use the bathroom. It made me want to race home and hug each of my dogs– all of whom I’ve seen grow from little puppies into mature dogs, even if Grizz still doesn’t know the difference between “speak” and “shut up, you crazy beast”– they both mean the same thing to him.
I also came face-to-face with the fact that life isn’t nearly long enough. As much as it terrifies me, I’ve come to the conclusion that I can’t just sit back and let things happen. I’ve got to take the initiative. If I don’t, who will? As I mentioned to Katie, I’ll end up fifty years old and sitting in my giant house with only echoes for company. I refuse to let that happen! I don’t know what my long-term plans in life are. I might just want a sexy European lover and a hectic life as a phenomenal vocalist. Or, I could pick an simple life with a country home, five kids, a loving husband, and a giant attack-mutt, educating the local schoolchildren in music theory.
Or, hey, I could end up with the giant dog, founding schools in third-world countries with a sexy European husband and four kids.
Who knows?
But see, now, short-term plans are less complicated. I can figure out what I want from life in the here and now, and get it. Or at least try.
Although, I’m ashamed to admit, the thought of failure has me terrified past my trembling knees and down into my very blood.
I’ve got to work past the fear. I don’t want to be that white-haired lady alone and unsatisfied. Even if I fail at everything I attempt to make happen, that will be my life, and I will have experiences to fill the timeline when I look back on it.
My resolve and willpower will carry me beyond my shaking bones and into a future filled with little goals accomplished and big ones tackled.
Kick Drum Heart 