Filed under: Dreams, My Day, Random Thoughts, Ranting | Tags: "day of smiles", 1/27/09, 2009, 7:10, again, all right, alright, although, am, back, bar, bed, believe, believed, better, black, breakfast, but, car, care, coffee, cup, day, dental, dentist, did, do, do not, don't, done, dream, dreamed, dreampt, Dreams, dreamt, exam, exhausted, exhaustion, extent, fail, failed, feeling, free, gay, go, granola, granola bar, great, head, heaven, heavenly, here, home, hot, i, january, january 27, kashi, last, math, math b, math b regents, me, mind, mom, more, my, myself, nearly, never, night, not, nothing, now, oh, once, once more, one, only, perfect, regents, remind, reminded, reminds, right, school, sister, sleep, smile, smiles, smiley, smiling, stomach, straaaange, strange, stupid, take, taken, taking, talk, talked, talking, teeth, test, testing, think, thinking, thought, thought of, thoughts, time, tired, took, uhg, upset, want, wanted, wanting, wish, wished, wishing, yesterday
1/27/09 7:10 AM The Car
I am not feeling too hot right now. My stomach is still unsettled (although not NEARLY to the extent it was yesterday). I’m on my way to take the Math B Regents for the fourth time. I have never failed it– I just have yet to get the score I want on it, and it’s the one exam I don’t mind taking again.
I had a Kashi granola bar and a cup of coffee for breakfast. And now I really don’t feel so great. Oh, uhg. I thought it was better than eating nothing! which is what I wanted to do.
I just want to go home and head back to bed. I never don’t usually want this… but today it sounds perfect. Heavenly, in fact.
Alright, time to go. Here’s the school.
Oh; but my mom and sister are talking about the dentist, which reminds me– I had a dream last night that I was at school and there was a smiley poster for free dental care for one day only– the “Day of Smiles.” Strange!
Filed under: My Day, Ranting | Tags: after, amuse, amused, amusement, any, anymore, appeal, appealing, as, attempt, attempting, attempts, attention, attentions, attract, attractive, attractiveness, be, been, behold, believe, believed, big, big deal, blond, blonde, blue, blue eyes, boat, build, building, built, but, can, cheer, cheerful, cheerfulness, cheery, comment, comments, complete, completely, connect, connection, convenient, could, could have, curvaceous, curvacious, curve, curves, curvy, deal, depress, depressed, depressing, determine, determined, do not, don't, drama, dramatic, dwell, easily, easy, else, elsewhere, english, English Regents, even, ever, ex, ex-boyfriend, eyelash, eyelashes, eyes, fact, fail, failure, fantastical, fantasy, feminine, femininity, fiery, flirtation, flirting, float, floated, floating, focus, focused, focusing, frame, fun, gaiety, girl, goes, going, gone, good, guy, guys, h2o, hair, have, heal, healed, healing, heart, hey, hope, hopeful, i, i am, i have, i'm, i've, idea, ideas, imagination, imagine, imagined, inadequacies, inadequacy, inadequate, inconvenient, infested, interest, interested, it, it doesn't matter, just, just that, know, lashes, laugh, length, less, let, life, lifeboat, light, light-hearted, lighthearted, like, long, longer, matter, maybe, mine, my, my own, myself, next, nor, not, nothing, notice, nowhere, noxious, nurse, obnoxious, obscene, obscenely, off, oh, oh-hey, okay, once, out, outspoken, own, party, pause, practice, practicing, pull, pulled, random, really, rebound, refrain, refrained, refuse, regent, regents, repartee, right, romantic, row, row row row your boat, sad, said, say, saying, search, searching, sharp, she, sit, smart, smile, so what?, so what?! loud, soon, sought, sought after, sound, speak, speaker, speaking, speculate, speculation, spirit, spirited, spoken, stupid, suck, sucks, suppose, sure, that, thing, think, thinking, this, thought, thoughts, thrice, time, tomorrow, too, tuesday, turn, turn-off, turns, twice, undesirable, unsuccessful, upset, was, was not, wasn't, water, waters, when, where, white, who, will, will not, with, witty, won't, word, words, would, would not, wouldn’t, wound, write, Writing, written, wrong
I suppose it was just a speculation of mine. You know, a thought. A random inconvenient fantastical idea, that floated in from nowhere. I wouldn’t sound so dramatic, but I’m practicing my writing for the stupid English Regents tomorrow.
But simply put, that means: I guess I just got my hopes up.
It wasn’t a big deal, realizing that, oh-hey, there goes a possibiolity of a fun time. Of course, nothing is really a big deal when it comes to me and guys. I don’t have big deals, or drama. I don’t get upset. It’s “whatever” and “it doesn’t matter” and “who will I take an interest in next?”
Right. Okay, so, who will it be.
I don’t want to think about that right now. I don’t really want to dwell on my failure as a girl, my failure at attractiveness, at witty repartee. I don’t ever like to sit and nurse a wound that will heal easily and soon.
But I don’t want to fail to notice my own sad attempts at femininity. The long blonde hair really does nothing for me, nor do the blue eyes, obscenely long lashes, curvy frame or even smile. Maybe it’s the laugh that turns them off, maybe my cheerfulness is just too obnoxious to behold for any length of time. Maybe the flirting was just that.
Sure. I can deal with that. I won’t think any more on the fact that I’m completely undesirable, too outspoken for my own good, and when the time is right to comment, I refrain. I refuse to pause any longer over my inadequacies as a determined but unsuccessful interested party.
So what if my laugh is too loud, my comments too sharp? So what if I say the wrong thing once or twice, or I’m less appealing than she is?
If I’m too big, I’m too big.
If I’m too smart, I’m too smart.
If I’m only a focus of amusement and flirtation, then I’d do better to focus my own attentions elsewhere.
But this could have been my chance. I let myself believe that, hey, this could be the rebound I’ve been searching for. The connection that pulled me out of ex-infested waters and into a lifeboat built with lighthearted gaiety and a less depressing spirit.
But it’s no big deal. I’ll get over it.
If I’m too romantic and hopeful, I’ve just got to suck it up.
Filed under: Ranting | Tags: angry, annoyed, ap, bad, band, calm, calming, chem, chemistry, cranky, difficult, experience, fried, frustrated, frustration, gay, grumpy, history, kenny, knitting, knowledge, kreutzer, learning, mallets, mood swings, paul, pissy, play, potential, practice, sad, snappish, socialize, solos, teach, teacher, teaching, time, upset, waste, xylophone
I love the xylophone.
I hate wasted potential. And wasted time.
I was talking to Kenny today, after a shitty “lesson”– where we just practiced our solos. That wouldn’t have been so awful, except Fried decided that Paul, Kenny, and I should all practice in the aud; we can’t socialize, can’t help one another on our solos. Just straight practice.
And again, that wouldn’t have been so bad. But she was bitching at Kenny for being at the grand piano, and then demanded to know if we were messing around– I had just gotten into the aud, and he was just sitting there. She also yelled at Paul (which I’m fine with), but she was downright cranky. She was in band this morning, too.
That bothers me– that she doesn’t bother to attempt to understand what her students are feeling. She doesn’t try to make band an enjoyable experience. Some days it is, others it isn’t. I hate that. Making music should be a learning experience, a team exercise, and an individual pleasure, at least in my book.
A difficult teacher with mood swings isn’t the best conduit for useful knowledge. : ( It makes me sad.
I was grumpy today, too, because Paul doesn’t give a shit. He has the potential to be very good, very talented, but he just shrugs and says either “This is gay” or “Whatever.”
I guess I’ve just been in a snappish mood today. I was cranky and angry in English, and in my lesson. It’s unlike me. I don’t know if I’m turning over some unusual leaf or just venting frustration.
Who knows.
Well, until later, then. I need to shower, then it’s off to play rehearsal, where I can do the chem homework I have due tomorrow, work on my AP essay, and maybe knit a little bit. Knitting is calming, right?
Kick Drum Heart 