Filed under: Writing | Tags: Aaron, afterparty, applications, auditions, band, Bobby, Caitie, caitlin, Cayleigh, chelsea, college, Colyn, dance, Dave, delete, difference, dipstick, doubtful, emily, gowanda, Grubbs, Harley, homecoming, hopefully, house, jam, Jill, Jimmy, katie, last, nagging, party, peace, prepared, sam, Samuelson, sarah, satisfied, schedule, school, Tara, taylor, voila, yippie skippie
My jam was on during homecoming, and after. I can barely remember it all; the evening flew by in a hazy blur of neon and glowsticks and thumping heavy bass.
The afterparty at my house was fun, albeit extremely dirty, conversation-wise, and a little tense. Everyone was so hyped up.
For all it was an unusual crew, the chemistry really caught, though. There are instances in a social situation where the atmosphere sometimes lags or starts charging with unpleasantry or awkwardness. That didn’t happen. I halfway expected it to, but I guess the friends who came were just so mentally flexible and comfortable that it didn’t have to. Bobby, Colyn, Grubbs, and Dave don’t always hang out with me; Chelsea and Tara and Sam are used to Post, Trank, and Taylor and vice versa; Jimmy, Jill, Aaron, Sarah, Cayleigh and Samuelson are all underclassmen. Harley doesn’t even go to Gowanda. Still, I was prepared to ask everyone to play nice. But aside from eating the entirety of the ninety dollars worth of food and forgetting to put the toilet seat back down, it was a blast and ran really smoothly.
For a last homecoming, I was satisfied. And it really enlightened me, that I soooo need to relax. It was fun to have the time to hang out with friends. Being busy every waking second haunts me. I can’t do it. I think of Caitlin, who was confused when I told her about everything I’ve been up to– she sits at home all the time. She’s used to peace, and doing what she wants. Okay, I know I could never just do nothing, but she honestly didn’t understand when I referred to being so busy. That shocked me.
It’s also nagging at me that Emily has so much free time. I’m not jealous or cranky about her: I’m peeved that this seems so much like a “sign.” She gave up something, and now she doesn’t miss it. She can relax or do something equally productive; that time got filled up and well-used. Seeing her cute little laptop was very like a cosmic sign (if I believed in them), just like Caitlin’s confusion.
So. When Heather ordered me last week to delete something from my schedule, I elbowed past my original doubtful thoughts and made my choice. Damn it, signs.
And see ya around, creative writing. If I have to go talk to Dr. Bob in person to get this solidified, I will. I’m fully prepared to give him the same spiel I gave Mr. Shannon: I’m too effing busy. Something’s gotta give, and I’ll be damned if it’s the musical or my college auditions and applications. So sorry, Ms. Giancola. I’m out.
I know I can write. I enjoyed the classwork, the brain poking. It kept my mind running. But this year I’m truthfully so busy that it pokes at itself all the time on its own. Story ideas can come when I get some free time. And it’s true, I’d love to write a novel. But that doesn’t change the fact that writing is my backup plan and singing will be my career.
So there you have it: in all likelihood I will have freed up forty minutes every other day to do what I need or want. Voila, yippie skippie. Hopefully it will make a difference, but if it doesn’t… band is next on my list. XD
Filed under: Dreams, Events, music, My Day, My Explanations | Tags: accomplished, afternoon, alive, ass, audition, bad, because, blessed, blog, broken, call, cheerleader, cheerleads, choir, chorus, conference, conference all state, conversation, creative writing, dammit, damper, day, days, dedication, difficult, each minute, ecstatic, eight, emma, enthusiasm, every time, everyone, excited, exhausted, exist, experience, feel, five, football, for sure, franklinville, game, good, great, guitar hero aerosmith, hard, hard work, heather, heather holden, here i come, high school, hopefully, hour, hours, indication, jcc, kiener, last first, lerew, life, live, long, magnificent, mail, material, measure, michelle, moment, moving, mr. lerew, mrs. ripley, musetta's waltz, night, nothing, nyssma, offer, one, one hundred, passion, practice, productive, proud, puccini, quando m'en vo, quench, ready, ripley, school, senior year, service, singing, some, sop 1, soprano one, system, texted, thirst, tired, today, tomorrow, tonight, vehicle, voice, watch out, whammy, why?, women's choir, working, world
It’s been a long day, even though I don’t know why, really. I beat Guitar Hero Aerosmith on Hard, so I felt accomplished.
The broken whammy bar started working after what might be considered one of the most magnificent hours of my life.
Today, I received a packet of papers in the mail. Within those papers, I was informed that I’ve been accepted into the Conference All-State Women’s Choir.
Soprano One, son.
I texted Emma.
Emma and Kiener called me. Emma told me she was calling Lerew.
I called Mrs. Ripley. Mrs. Ripley was ecstatic. Mrs. Ripley says she’s going to tell everyone she knows.
I texted Heather. By then it was eight at night and I was on the way to Franklinville for my sister’s football game (she cheerleads) and I didn’t want to hold conversation across spotty service areas in a moving vehicle. Hopefully she’ll call me back when it’s good for her, and if I don’t hear from her by tomorrow afternoon, I’m calling for sure. I’m so excited.
Nothing could put a damper on that news, except I’m tired. I’m just downright exhausted, so my enthusiasm is going to be shelved until tomorrow. I’ll siphon it back into my system then and do something really productive. Earlier today I decorated and established my JCC and creative writing binders, and got the rest of my materials ready and in my bag for school. As of tonight, there are only five more full days before my last first day of high school.
I just want to live it. I feel like I say this every time I blog, but dammit, I want to feel and exist in every single moment I’m blessed with. I want to feel alive, I want to experience everything good this world has to offer. And some of the bad, because otherwise there’s nothing to measure the great against.
If today was any indication of where hard work and practice and dedication and passion can get me, though, I don’t think I’ll have too difficult a time living each minute of my senior year. I worked my ass off for that one hundred on the audition paper. Puccini might have been proud of me, even.
So. Conference All State, here I come. And everything else. Watch out. I have a craving, a burning thirst for life. I plan to quench it.
Filed under: My Day, My Explanations, Random Thoughts, Writing | Tags: already, anna netrebko, bag, beginning, beverage, big things, bob marley, brendan, cappuccino, clique, clique-y, cobble, cozy, critical, deep, deep thinking, devil's spawn, docile, don't care, don't know, downstairs, drama camp, eight, eight days, emma, end, excuses, first day, floodwater, friend, girl, God, grab, hard time, head, headache, hopefully, hot beverage, hurt, i don't know what i'm talking about, kids, kim, lay low, life, little sister, love, man, materialism, maybe, meeting, melodic line, michelle, more stress, mrs. ripley, music, my room, old story, opera, Opera Freak, organize, outfit, pound, practice, relaxing, ripley, room, scare, school, shit, sing, sister, sister's friend, story snippets, stress, talk, Tara, techniques, the avett brothers, The Flood, thinks, troposphere, vocal performance, vocal technique, voice, wal-mart, Writing, yeah
I don’t know what I want to write about. I don’t know what I want to do right now. I don’t know what I want to do with my life.
Well crap, talking to Brendan always makes me think about the big things. God and life, love, materialism and all of those… big things. Deep thinking. Like floodwater deep (and that’s pretty deep, kids).
Oh man, does my head hurt. It’s just beginning to start to pound. My sister has a friend over, so it’s not like I can go in my room and sing to music. Or even practice and try to talk myself out of the headache. Nope, I have to be a docile little girl and not scare the shit out of Tara with melodic lines warbling through the troposphere.
I think I might grab some cappuccino (we went to Wal-Mart today) and head downstairs anyway, turn on some Avett Brothers or Anna Netrebko or maybe Bob Marley. I don’t care about what my sister’s friend thinks about me, that’s not why I’m not going to practice. I do care that my vocal techniques might make Tara’s somewhat critical and clique-y attitude whip toward my sister. They already call me the Opera Freak… therefore I won’t make Michelle pull more excuses out of the air about me. I think she already has enough of a hard time, because so many people that know me end up meeting her. She came home from Drama Camp one day and told me I was the Devil’s spawn. Ripley called her Kim. Emma called her Kim. Everyone else called her Kim’s little sister, except for like, Colleen. I think it gets a little old after a while.
So I won’t put any more stress on her. I’ll lay low and put together my bag for school (eight days!). I might cobble together a “first day” outfit. Drink some caffeinated beverage, and organize some old story snippets.
Yeah, that’s what I’ll do. It’ll be a cozy, hopefully relaxing end to the day. Maybe.
Filed under: My Day, My Explanations, Random Thoughts, Ranting | Tags: achy, angry, bad manners, bed, bitching, bug bites, caitlin, cares, checking in, cheering, comment, comments, common courtest, constant, constantly, dickens, different, disgusting, doesn't matter, done, downtime, driven, energized, energy, everywhere, exaggerated, fall through, first, forgotten, frenzy, friend, get back to them, girl, goddammit, going to bed, great, hand, hanging, headache, hopefully, hyper, hyperactive, hyperactivity, i would, i'd tell them, irksome, issues, itching, laid-back, left, like, like the dickens, logging on, lose control, matter, needs, never, no control, no question, not crank y, not like, not necessarily, not used, oh no, page, peeved, per se, pissed, plans, ramble, said, saw, say, shift, sleep, smile, spam, stumble, suggest, think, thought, tired, too warm, translation, usually, views, whirlwind, won't work out, wonder, wordpress, write, yes
My first thought upon logging onto wordpress was, yes! I have spam!
It really doesn’t matter to me about receiving views and comments and whatever. I mean, this is for me to write and ramble on, and if someone happens to stumble across it and like it (or not like it) then great.
But I’d forgotten how cheering it is to know that someone actually saw the page. Someone’s checking in, someone cares. It makes me smile.
On a different hand, I’ve had a constant headache today. I don’t know if it’s the shift in energy– with Caitlin here everything seems more exaggerated, more energized, and I’m not used to that kind of hyperactivity. I’m usually a laid-back kind of girl, unless something needs to get done. Then I’m driven, but not (usually) to the point of frenzy. The house has been a whirlwind of frenzy lately.
So, I’m ready for some downtime. I’ll admit it. I’m just tired and achy and a little pissed. Why pissed? one might wonder.
Well, I guess I’m not really angry, per se. Just a little peeved. But when you suggest making plans with someone and then never get back to them, it’s irksome to the one you don’t get back to. Translation: goddammit, if I said I’d text you back about the plans we were going to have, I fricken would. No question. I don’t leave a friend hanging.
And I guess I was left hanging.
It doesn’t matter, and I’m not cranky because oh no, he might not “like” me. I’m cranky because it’s simple common courtesy to say if the plans won’t work out. And I’m not bitching about bad manners, necessarily, but I’d do it for my friends. I’d tell them when something was going to fall through.
Oh, yeah, and I have bug bites effing everywhere and I’m itching like the dickens. It’s too warm and I feel disgusting and did I mention I have a headache?
I’m going to bed. And hopefully just go right to sleep instead of brooding over issues I have no control over and will only constantly think on if I don’t.
Filed under: Writing | Tags: :), belting, can't, decent, details, figure, flutter, good moon, happy, hopefully, hour and a half, improperly, insignificant, internalize, irksome, join, letter, life, little, lots, michael, opera, others, peaceful, possibilities, postcard, singing, six, small, stop, stop thinking, stressful, tell, think, three, three minutes, time, what if i never find out?, what-ifs, whirring, woods, worse, Writing
Today was a day of thinking. I got a postcard from Michael! So I went to the woods and sat and wrote him a six-page letter that took me an hour and a half and three minutes. While writing, my mind was whirring with possibilities. What can I tell Michael?
Lots, it turns out :)
As I wrote, I also thought about the little, stressful details twining around my days lately. Just small things that grate away at my good mood until I can’t do anything but dwell on them. I told Michael some of my problems, and I internalized the others. I’ll get rid of them by singing, either opera or belting it out improperly.
It’s just irksome to know that after such a decent stretch of time feeling peaceful and happy, I find myself stressing over insignificant things.
And then come the what-ifs that flutter in to join the other stuff.
But the way I figure, I can spend my whole life thinking, “What if it’s this? What if it’s that?”
Well what if I never find out? That would be worse, I would think.
So hopefully over the next few days I’ll stop thinking so much again. I’ll stop fretting. Hopefully.
Kick Drum Heart 